ABSURD GAME PREDICTION

BY WES DAVIS

Coach O is just wrapping up his Existential Humanism discussion group where they have all just concluded that the meaning of life is truly found within oneself and how one relates to others. Nothing else matters. He is feeling more hopeful than ever, knowing that on the day death’s sweet embrace envelops his soul that he will have done his best, and none of the online comments from LSU fans will have any bearing on his soul and its freedom in his final breaths.

“Thank you for the open and honest discussion,” says Coach O, gathering his tattered copy of The Sickness Unto Death and several well-worn Moleskine journals in which he ruminates into his messenger bag. “I’ve learned so much from all of you. Now, if you will excuse me, I must return home to game plan. My players are depending on me and, well, we have a rivalry game this week. I’m not particularly sure what a rivalry in football means in the long run, but I’m sure that since it is of import to the fans and I must do my best to make their lives brighter through the actions of unpaid 18-22 year-old men.”

Coach arrives home with a newfound zest for life. He gazes down at his championship ring in awe of his own life and its accomplishments. All of a sudden a figure appears in the reflection of his ring. A really, really hot figure. Coach O remembers that in the throes of his divorce, he’s obtained a new roommate.

“Baby, you don’t need to coach today do you? Let’s roll around in your etouffee hot tub while you give me presser quotes. You know how hot those get me.”

Coach is conflicted. He knows the meaning of life is the moments, but he also knows that cash rules everything around him LSU get the money dolla dolla bill, y’all. The existential high he felt from the discussion group is waning, but the area in his front pants is waxing. He looks up at his new roommate and notices something different. She has the face of a hedgehog and is sprouting fur.

“Come to the hot tub baby, the acid is wearing off.” She beckons.

Coach O quickly chugs a bottle of Louisiana Hot Sauce, shakes it off and grunts, “WE HAD A HELL OF A GAME WITH A HELL OF A TEAM I’M JUST LUCKY TO BE HERE AND I LOVE THIS TEAM AND THESE FANS”

Coach O hears a loud crack, suddenly he realizes he is sitting in front of the press corps. He is nude, covered in hot sauce and etouffee. The cameras suddenly stop flashing and the room is deafeningly silent as Coach O slowly stands up, his genitals strategically covered by lukewarm Cajun food.

“Wh... what happen?” Coach O asks, befuddled. “I... I...”

The etouffee plops from his nether regions to the floor. The sound sickens the entire press corps. Laughing, Cessna takes a break from wiping splattered roux off his Hawaiian shirt and points to the monitor beside Coach O. It is in this moment the coach realizes that the discussion group was right all along, nothing matters.


Aggies 42
Tigers 27

WHAT THE WHAT

BY SHOOTER FLATCH

Full disclosure: I have no idea what is going on anymore. I’m trying my best to keep up with College Football in 2020, but it’s lost me. From week to week I can’t remember who we’re playing, if we’re playing, when, what channel, what our record is, how many games we’ve played, who’s in or out of the lineup, etc. And honestly, it’s a bit refreshing. It’s alleviated all the wasted time and stress typically associated with a season of Aggie football. Whenever we are on TV, I’m just excited and happy and we seem to be really fun to watch play this season. And that’s all I should really give a shit about. I don’t know if this season will finish, if bowls will be played or if it all just craters at some point. And that’s okay. But for now, I’m just having a lot of fucking fun watching this team play football. I hope you are too. If the *checks notes one more time* LSU game happens Saturday, I really hope we stomp their testicles, because fuck LSU. Enjoy. The. Ride. Gig Em and Happy Thanksgiving!

WHO HAS MORE?

BY ROBERT BEHRENS

WHAT TO WATCH FOR: DEFINING THE RELATIONSHIP

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Merriam-Webster defines the word "rival" as such: "one of two or more striving to reach or obtain something that only one can possess." Your average college football fan defines it any number of other ways, depending on which emotions and/or chemicals are coursing through their system at any given moment.

Is LSU our rival? It's got a lot going for it! Annual conference and division implications, geographical proximity, fanbases with a notable amount of disdain for one another...the list goes on. Somehow, none of that really seems enough without parity, though. That's where Jimbo might could take us to the next level here tomorrow. Put on your best tracksuit, polish up your playcard, and get out there and win 'em over, coach! One win out of nine is not gonna get us into the Rival Zone. But win two in a row at Kyle, two out of three overall, and knock LSU down below .500 heading into December? Baby, you've got a rivalry going.

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC: LEFTOVERS EDITION

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Arkansas at Missouri | 11:00 AM | SECN

Mashed Potatoes at Day-old Cheese Platter

Kentucky at (6)Florida | 11:00 AM | ESPN

Boxed Stuffing Mix at Your Uncle's Turkey He Deep-Fried In A Rig He Built Himself.

(22)Auburn at (1)Alabama | 2:30 PM | CBS

Soggy Green Bean Casserole at The Perfect Ham Sandwich

Egg Bowl | 3:00 PM | SECN

The Handle Of Old Crow From Grandpa's Liquor Cabinet

(9) Georgia at South Carolina | 6:30 PM | SECN

Pecan Pie at The Sediment From The Turkey Drippings That Was Too Gross To Use In The Homemade Gravy