ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Jimbo Fisher is awakened by an animated bird who is happy-tweeting the War Hymn. Not like on his phone, but as a bird will do.
"Oh boy! It's gameday!" he exclaims as he rushes to his balcony to greet the morning. He flings open the doors and all the woodland creatures approach to hear what he has to say.
Jimbo adjusts his nightgown to ensure that his erection is well-hidden, clears his throat, and bellows, "THOSE ASSHOLES PAID ME $75 MILLION GUARANTEED!"
The woodland creatures go apeshit. A hedgehog is waving a Trump flag while pleasuring himself.
"THE ACID IS WEARING OFF!" yells Satan from behind Jimbo. Instant fear and regret fill his face as the woodland creatures begin to melt away like a watercolor painting in a rainstorm. Jimbo turns around to see that it is not actually Satan, but Tony Buzbee. He is holding a blank National Championship Trophy in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He is not at home, this is not a balcony. Jimbo is in Buzbee's basement, and he knows it. He's tied to the treads of a tank.
Buzbee tosses the trophy at Jimbo's feet, and as it clatters to the ground Jimbo realizes he's still wearing his National Championship ring.
"Damn fool..." Jimbo thinks to himself. His eyes roll to the back of his head as he begins to call upon the spirit of every Natty-Winning coach in history. His ring begins to glow, and as this happens a hawk is heard in the distance. If flies through Buzbee's house and blows the basement door off its hinges.
"FALCONIUS! ATTACK!" Commands Jimbo, as he uses his championship ring to cut the ropes that bind him. Falconius lands on Jimbo's shoulder and nuzzles up to Jimbo's ear.
"The acid is wearing off..." Falconius whispers as the basement scene begins to fade to black. Jimbo stands alone in the dark. Falconius is nowhere to be found. From the distance RC Slocum, Dennis Franchione, Mike Sherman, and Kevin Sumlin walk slowly toward Jimbo.
"You've arrived." They say in unison.
"Where... where am I?"
"One of us. One of us. One of us." They repeat. Jimbo realizes this is eternity. He tries to stop it but he's powerless.
"One of us..." Jimbo says, involuntarily. This is home. A Building Champions banner falls from the sky and lands at their feet.
WHO HAS MORE?
Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Errict Rhett...
- I spent the majority of my time during Covid lockdown writing sonnets about Dave Wannstedt's mustache..."An Ode to The Borscht Broom".
- So they're letting 25,000 fans in the Cotton Bowl to watch OU-Texas this weekend? Haven't seen that many people wearing masks and watching sloppy ball handling since that party scene in "Eyes Wide Shut".
- Folks, Jimbo might want to find a way to win a few of these games against ranked teams this season or he's gonna be a couple years closer to hawkin' Nugenix during Magnum PI reruns.
- I know a Bloody Mary and breakfast tacos sound perfect for Saturday, but when it's an 11:00 am kick against Florida, the only proper breakfast is a screwdriver, powdered donuts, and a pack of Marlboro Reds.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Alabama QB Mac Jones had TD bombs of 78, 87, and 63 yards against this secondary in Tuscaloosa. Kyle Trask has a TD throw of 50+ yards in each of the last two SEC games. Get out your smuggled umbrellas 'cause it's about to be raining something, and it sure as hell ain't Jimbos.
Both of these head coaches are known as "QB Whisperers" by those who like to bandy about such phrases. Not to be unseemly, but it seems to me that one of these whispermasters needs to graduate to "stern fatherly lecture" volume ASAP in the QB department.
Each team has displayed a spirited pass rush so far: the Aggies' Michael Clemons is tracking second in the SEC with 3 sacks, and Florida as a team is averaging four per game. The Aggie OL has only allowed one sack through the first two contests, and Florida has given up three. We're about to find out who's BIG and who's UGLY real quick on the offensive lines.
CHANGE A LETTER, RUIN A GATOR
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
Division play! HOT RANKED MATCHUP!
(14)Tennessee at (3)Georgia | 2:30 PM | CBS
Can Tennessee prove they're BACK at last by knocking off one of the conference's elites?
[Pause politely for laughter]
[continue pausing for laughter]
[OK, next section]
(2) Alabama at Ole Miss | 6:00 PM | ESPN
Will Nick Saban's Unruly Coaching Son find some crease in the Tide's armor? Will Alabama methodically crush Ole Miss like a discarded spritzer can lying on the trampled but manicured grass of The Grove? Probably a bit of both!
Mike Leach returns to Lexington, his very first SEC coaching stop, to square off against the younger brother of his old boss Bob. No clue who will win, because Mike Leach's teams are manic and unfathomable.