ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
In the basement of AT&T Stadium, Jerry Jones is covered in hog blood kneeling at the center of a pentagram encircled with lit candles. He is wearing the skull of a freshly killed razorback as a helmet, otherwise, he is nude.
Jerry positions himself to face the altar as the syringe is inserted for his blood transfusion. A younger Jerry approaches, ready to be drained. He is one of many clones kept in the basement to fuel the Football Dictator's youth. He shall not lose again.
"Sus divina adducere nobis victoriam," chants the clone as he withers away. The chant becomes fainter as life escapes his eyes. Another clone has served his purpose as the mighty Jerry rises up to his feet and begins to call the Hogs. Rowdy is waving a Trump flag and pleasuring himself.
"68 degrees here at Cowboys Stadium, and I'll be joined by Hall of Famer Troy Aikman shortly," announces Joe Buck over the intercom system. "The game is no longer played here but at Kyle Field, Jerry. Rowdy is in midseason form over there, the rumors of a Hog resurgence are overstated, and the acid is wearing off..."
Jerry blinks and realizes he is hunched over his checkbook, signing another Zeke Elliott installment. A single tear splashes on the signature line as he realizes this will be yet another catastrophic blow to his football ego. Do not ask for whom the pig woos, it woos for thee.
SILENCE OF THE HAMS
Deep in the labyrinth of an abandoned Fayetteville McMansion, John L. Smith strips naked and slips on one of Jen's old silk robes. He applies some of her lipstick, eyeliner, and inserts a gold plated nipple ring. "Smile!" he screams.
The music drowns out the whimpers and cries from the old brick lined well in the basement. BERT has been at the bottom of this dungeon for three days now. Cold. "Semi" Starved. Having to constantly apply lotion over his beer swollen belly, or risk getting the hose again. Mentally he is broken. This is the hell he always feared in the back of his mind.
Back above, John L. logs onto Hogville and starts a thread titled "Would You Fuck Me? I'd Fuck Me." It gets 300 new comments in the first hour. He has spiraled into the Hogville madness.
Three states away, FBI Agent Sam Pittman is interviewing deranged Former Student Dr. Chad Morris...
Dr. Morris asks "Why do you think he removes their skins, Agent Pittman? Enthrall me with your acumen."
Pittman quickly responds "It excites him. Most serial killers keep some sort of trophies from their victims."
Dr. Morris quips back "I didn't."
Agent Pittman reminds him "No. No, you never won a conference game."
Forty-eight hours later, there's a knock at the door of the abandoned mansion. It's Agent Pittman. John L. Smith answers the door and immediately tells Agent Pittman to "SMILE!"
Agent Pittman wants to know if he's ever heard the name of Coach BERT Bielema. "Was he a great big fat person?" Pittman can't help himself, he smiles and giggles and lets out a hearty "yesssssiiiirrrrrrr".
*roll the credits*
WHO MAS MORE?
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Saturday marks a sad day for the 1% of college football consumers who prefer the sterile, filtered, exorbitant experience of a gaudy professional sportsplex over an on-campus football tilt. Fortunately for us, this is America, where the 1% controls everything! University Chancellor John Sharp has taken it upon himself to sacrifice his own suite and modify it for Jerry Jones, as a reflection of true modern Aggie values: grandstanding selflessness, reckless spending, and the unquestioning worship of wealth.
Here are a few of the modifications proposed in order to make Jerry feel right at home. Spared no expense!
- special helipad constructed atop the press box so Jerry doesn't have to traverse any gates or interact with any normal humans in any way
- disinfecting mist chamber ringing the suite in case any stray employees wander within 100 feet of his private staff and suite
- crisply-ironed copies of all the world's leading financial newspapers smoking jacket and slippers
- Ms. Pac-Man arcade game + $300 in quarters
- giant bowl of just the Js taken from several boxes of Alpha Bits cereal
- jacuzzi full of ass's milk to keep Jerry's skin young and glowing
- whole roasted whooping crane (well done)
- jetpack for Barry Switzer's surprise halftime appearance
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
HALLOWEEN CANDY EDITION
(5)Georgia at Kentucky | 11:00 AM | SEC Network
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups vs. The Whole Giant Candy Apple From Your 90 Year-Old Neighbor. Sure, both are sweet, but only one of them is portable enough for the golf course.
LSU at Auburn | 2:00 PM | CBS
Snickers Mini vs. Milky Way Mini (If You Left Both Out In The Sun For Six Days). It's sad that watching these teams face off unranked might accidentally result in beautiful football.
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt | 3:00 PM | SEC Network
The Loose Werthers At The Bottom Of The Bag vs. A Mini-Pencil From Your 5th Grade Teacher. One of them may appear to be covered in lint and debris, but one does not emerge from years in The Grove completely immaculate.
Mississippi State at (2) Alabama | 6:00 PM | ESPN
A Piece Of Dry Popcorn That Broke Off A Stale Popcorn Ball Made By A Six Year-Old vs. King-Sized Snickers Bar. Technically, you can eat both of these things.