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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs. Alabama

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What could possibly go wrong?

It's Time...To Not Be Nice

Some of y'all need to stop it. We get it, everyone can agree that being in the SEC has been a great thing all-around. And part of that price is the annual sacrifice ritual to the SEC Gods. But have some self-respect. What do you think Harvey Updyke would do if he were walking past the Century Tree? Ask passersby about its history and stare at it reverentially? He'd be micturating on that trunk before you can say "forty percent off Tide gear at Dollar General". We owe these folks nothing.

So the next time we're back in reality (a sea of tailgates) and a triumphant Bammer offers you a plate of stringy pork slathered in mayonnaise-based sauce, don't gobble it up with an overeager SEC fanboy effusive "THANK YEW SIRR THIS IS DELICIOUS, YOU ARE SUCH CLASSY HOSTS WE LOVE CLASSY" et cetera. Just a simple polite refusal: No, thank you. I prefer my meat to have a bold smoky flavor instead of drowning in Midwest Caviar.

Jimbo Fisher's been building his program with one underlying purpose: to compete with the biggest, toughest, and best. That's Alabama. This football team is a blunt object, not a finesse tool. It's built to wear the other guy down over the course of the game. So forget the shitshow last week. Forget that Florida's coming to Kyle next week. Right now we live in a universe where nothing's guaranteed, so each game is everything. Magic can happen in Tuscaloosa. We know this is true.

Ags: 23
Tide: 22

WHO HAS MORE?

DRESSING UP NICK

How wonderful is it to have Mike Leach back in the conference? Just this week he indicated that Coach Saban might be the type of guy that would dress up in a costume for their Halloween tilt with Mississippi State. Well I certainly have a few suggestions for Nick.

It's the most obvious choice, as I'm still convinced Nick Saban is a robot sent back in time to destroy college football and any fun associated with it. I suspect that somehow in the year 2035, Harvey Updyke spots a flying Delorean parked on a side street in Tuscaloosa, loads up one of those Boston Dynamics robots from the future, and takes it back to 1973 to become a graduate assistant coach at Kent State.

Actually I think Saban may have already done this for our 2015 game against them. Something scared the shit out of Kyle Allen that day.

All he has to do is borrow that outfit, struggle with basic math, and profess his love for gals with halter top back fat and leg calf tats.

KAREN

America's favorite 2020 suburban bitch housewife. Slap on a pair of LuLuLemon's, a "BAMA QUEEN" houndstooth t shirt, and Nick can absolutely lose his shit with the refs and media all the while staying in character.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR

Santa Fe, New Mexico, scenics Photo by Robert Alexander/Getty Images

DROPPAGE TIME

Saturday night's performance got Kyle Field so quiet you could hear a pin drop, so it was hard to miss the Aggie receivers' eleventy-threeve actual drops of the football. Throw in five fumbles, and you've got an oversized replica of a Chuck E. Cheese ballpit out there. If Jimbo didn't make Kellen Mond carry three footballs around campus all week, one really must question his dedication to becoming a real-life Coach Sam Winters.

PROTECTION RACKET

Way to keep those sack numbers down, OLine. After last season, giving up one single sack against an SEC defense must feel like the warmest and fuzziest of meaningless consolation prizes. Now, if you can hold Nick Saban's guys sackless? Well, we don't even know if that's possible, anatomically or otherwise, but it's worth a shot.

Las Vegas Casino On April 1935 Photo by Keystone-France/Gamma-Keystone via Getty Images

SPREAD THIN

The Tide are sitting pretty as 17.5-point faves this weekend. The Ags couldn't even get past the 17-point mark against Vandy. Buckle yourselves to your love seats, because if we fumble five times this week, things are gonna get alternate-dimensionally bad. If there's one thing this team's learned to do in style the past few seasons, it's lose by three touchdowns to Alabama. Welcome to October!

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

Paul “Bear” Bryant composes HOT tweets from Junction, TX

We get seven league games this week, but only two have spreads of less than ten points. We dive in!

Ole Miss at Kentucky (-6.5) | 3 PM | SEC Network
There are expected to be 12,000 people at Kroger Field. Folks, if I want a disease-riddled Kroger known for slow, sloppy lines then I'll visit my neighborhood dump supermarket in west Houston. Oh look, honey - Mountain Dew and Despair are on sale!

Ole Miss plays exactly zero defense as evidenced by their cornholing from Florida last week. No matter. Kentucky is lost on offense.

Take the points with Lane Publix Kiffin?

Auburn at Georgia (-6.5) | 6:30 PM | ESPN
The Deep South's Oldest Rivalry... no no no not Dixie versus the 21st Century. Tigers vs. Dogs.

Quick - what's the most-played rivalry in college football history? [buzzer noise] WRONG. It's Wisconsin vs. Minnesota for that kickass Bunyan ax. Well Auburn-Georgia is second. It's a remarkably close all-time series record with Georgia up 60-56-8.

Auburn has only beaten Georgia twice in the last ten years. Take the points with Mock Turtleneck Malzahn?

Bonus:
GBH interviewed several SEC coaches about their opinions of COVID-19. Here are the excerpts sorted from SCARED SHITLESS to HOAX.

Derek Mason, Vanderbilt. "I think it's tragically irresponsible for us to play. Especially if we don't get to play non-conference. I think we should all stay home, collect our salaries, and pray that Nick Saban retires before coronavirus does."

Jeremy Pruitt, Tennessee. "Never was much for Mexican food. Doc says I have the blood pressure of a beached whale, so reckon I better lay low."

Gus Malzahn, Auburn. "Jesus spoke of this in Revelation. Gotta play with tempo."

Nick Saban, Alabama. "Humanity abandoned The Process and now we need to live with the consequences. I told President Trump he could be a Special Assistant at Alabama if November doesn't work out."

Ed Orgeron, LSU. "Go Tigers."

Jimbo Fisher, Texas A&M. "Y'all know I'm no scientist. I just like ball. We got some good young men in the program and I sniff 'em each day for Covid. They call me Coach Hound Dog haha. I tell the boys 'look we gotta get gettin' while the gettin' is gettin', k?' Anyway, I ain't found any Covid yet but we'll run the football and I'll keep sniffin.'"

Mike Leach, Mississippi State. "Covid-19? Phww. The Ukrainians have been selling that for years. Gave it to the Native Americans who then turned into turquoise. Makes for a nice piece of jewelry for your best gal. I've never been big on western doctors. Uptight pussies. Give me a Medicine Man who can sling it around the yard and we can kick Corona's ass."

Lane Kiffin, Ole Miss. [wraps mask around his junk] "Guys guys look at me. I'm Al Davis' corpse."

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