I’m starting this week from a place of care and concern. How are you? Yes, you; the Aggie football faithful. This isn’t about me right now, it’s about how you feel. This team could not be facing a more manic schedule than it has over the past four games, and that mania can sometimes result in fannitis furiosa. This condition, according to the AMA, manifests in symptoms including ensuring all parties remain in place when a drive is going well, tweeting at coaches and players, or purchasing an obscene amount of Ken dolls and tiny Yell Leader outfits.
If you’re exhibiting any or all of these symptoms, talk to your doctor about Arkansalve. Arkansalve is a pill taken just once a year and can change your life dramatically. Just one single dose of Arkansalve results in a conference victory at a neutral site, dramatically improving your mood and making you less inclined to scream about a team your school has ceased to play getting beneficial treatment from the referees into the void of Twitter. Do not take Arkansalve while driving.
Arkansalve may seem more intimidating in that its offensive form no longer uses the screen name @Bieber4Lyfe316, but rest assured, the makers of Arkansalve guarantee the same formula that has been in use since 2012.
Arkansalve has been approved by the Mountain West Conference as a safe alternative to other SEC teams. Side effects of Arkansalve include nocturnal emissions, night terrors, day terrors, motorcycle accidents, that thing where one eye is a different color than the other, restless penis syndrome, Bert, illiteracy, karma, PentaPicks, Jerry Jones, and Truck Nutz.
Do not take Arkansalve to overtime.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Last week we indulged in some experimental meme-ing, and things went a bit sour on Saturday. This week, we're sticking to the tried and the true: the meme so fresh that even NPR is repping it. It's a new spin on an old classic, with a low-res photo instead of the ASCII house. It's a heartfelt tribute to everyone's favorite football building.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
The Razorbacks boast two Aggies on the sidelines this weekend. Head Coach Chad Morris is an Aggie, as is graduate transfer and Belieber Nick Starkel. Arkansas lists a roster of 120 players, so counting the coach Aggies make up approximately 2% of the Razorbacks. In other words don't be surprised when both of them disappear by the end of the third quarter.
I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO ROAST
San Jose State cleared 400 passing yards against Arkansas last week. I am willing to state with exactly zero research into the matter that A&M has a more talented passing offense than SJSU. The pigs are just the slump buster that Mond and Friends need, and bustin' makes me feel good. In this allegory Reveille is Slimer I think.
Are the Aggies the 23rd best team in the country? According to beat journos they are, and you can take that to the bank. Win or lose, expect some more rank shenanigans (in the case of a loss, any rank at all would be criminally negligent and/or a very complex honeypot grift).
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
I don't know, man. Northern Illinois at Vanderbilt will probably be the most competitive... maybe Kentucky at South Carolina? Is that anything? Look, the CBS game of the week is Ole Miss at #2 Alabama so... you know. Beggars and choosers am I right?
Go watch Florida play Towson. You don't know anyone from Towson - you don't even know where Towson is (trick question, it's in Towson, NE). That should be fun and will honestly have as much atmosphere as anything in Jerryworld.
WHAT I'M DRINKING THIS WEEK
Last week was rough . . .
To begin, yes – last week was my fault. I had a ‘family obligation’, was forced at gunpoint away from the game, into sobriety, and we all saw the result. My vow to you this week is one thing, and one thing only: become belligerently drunk and kicked out of Jerry’s Supersized Walmart by halftime. Thus avoiding uber surges.
There’s really only one way to do this correctly, and that is to stick with the liquid that is both the cause of so many eastern European soccer riots, and the article of faith by which they forgive one another: absurdly high-proof vodka. I’m heading out Saturday with some Spirytus Delikatesowy from Poland, a steal at $20 (especially at 192 proof).
Let’s start by setting the alarm for 6:00am and getting that first bloody mary going – it’s important to be confident when attempting to talk your way into Jerry’s suite around 9:45. I’ll most likely switch to straight vodka at some point in the 2nd quarter, and at this point let’s do our best to be led away by AT&T security, not police – this simple distinction can make for a very large difference in the price of the weekend.
Remember, John Chavis deserves your wrath, Chad Morris deserves your dismissal, and Nick Starkel deserves your pity. Let’s be great.
You wanna lose to the defending national champs in week 2? Sure, we'll spot you a freebie. You wanna lose to a division opponent when you're favored by 4 at home? Alls I'm sayin' is we used to be able to get that for a lot cheaper. The honeymoon is over, and if you don't put together a convincing victory against Arkansas then our first fight as a couple is gonna be a doozy.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / BESTER CASE
This team needs to beat the shit out of an SEC opponent, so that.
Justin Bieber is shown on the SCREEN OF DEATH at Jerryworld holding a Starkel jersey, he rips it in half as a single tear falls down his cheek.