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Fan Misery Ladder 19.4: Not All Tears Are Blood

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“Dallas is a rich man with a death wish in his eyes.” - Jimmie Dale Gilmore

NCAA Football: SMU at Texas Christian Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome back to the Fan Misery Ladder, where Appalachian is a state of mind.

Fan Misery Ladder 19.3: This Means Something

Fan Misery Ladder 19.2: The Pac Delivers

Fan Misery Ladder 19.1: Rocky Bottom

Fan Misery Ladder 19.0: Preseason

Ordinarily folks from Dallas only make the trek to Fort Worth to finally try two-stepping in the $1700 ostrich boots they bought six years ago, and Fort Worthians only venture into Dallas because the coke is cut with name-brand baking soda. The labyrinth of highways betwixt the two serves as a natural buffer deterring any co-mingling that might upset the shaky detente between the hats and the cattle.

TCU crossed the neutral zone so they have no one to blame but themselves for losing to rival SMU, a team that went 4-4 in the AAC last year. Sonny Dykes may be lost at the head of a Power 5 team like Cal, but he is absolutely in his element when he’s tinkering around in the garage of a middling G5 school, adding glasspacks and NOS to an 83 Mustang. He’ll burn your A5 down at a quarter mile but you can be sure that he’s riding uninsured with a tail light out.

At one point TCU was down by two touchdowns and I dared to dream:

It was not to be, and may not actually happen in our lifetime. TCU will have to settle for a triple-drop, and SMU will have to settle for taking home the rivalry trophy which I assume is the deed to some sort of chain restaurant corporation.

Let’s take a look at the big board:

MISERY OF NOTE

BUT YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN HERE Thank you to the Florida Gators for finally doing what we all knew needed to be done. After weeks of metrics not matching reality, the Tennessee Volunteers have finally taken the lead [sic] on the Ladder. If you don’t land the Taggart Trophy this year, sleep easy knowing you could probably land Taggart himself soon enough.

ONCE PITTEN The only thing I enjoy more than watching UCF’s insistence on being national champions get uppity CFB tightwads in a tizzy is watching them then lose to Pitt. Losing to Pitt is like getting your prostate checked - you either dread that it’s definitely going to happen to you someday, or you can’t stop crying thinking about the last time it happened. There’s easier ways to get Xanax, Knights.

HOT HOT HOT! It’s been quite a while since Appalachian State famously blasted #1 Michigan. In honor of them dropping UNC this week it felt like time to dust off a classic.

LOOKING AHEAD

Tough week for misery fans. No rivalry games, no one slated to hit the first 5 game losing streak. Savvy viewers will keep an eye on Vanderbilt vs. Northern Illinois. A loss here can put Vandy right in the running for the Taggart.

Follow me on Twitter and tweet me if you have any hot tips on big upsets or blowout losses.