The Truth Shall Set You Free
Listen, I’m not going to lie. You, dear reader, are the reason we do The Tailgate, and we at GBH love all of you very much.
Except for that one guy on Instagram. You know who you are, and frankly, we love you a little less than “very much”. Say 10 Farmers Fights and 20 Skyrockets and all will be forgiven. Bless you, my child.
Also, there are a lot of you on Twitter that we love slightly less than a “little less than ‘very much’”. Absolve yourselves by bathing in maroon Kool-Aid while watching We’ve Never Been Licked on mute while listening to the latest Granger Smith album. If you press play when the title card appears, Sul Ross will appear and slap you.
Except for you, reading this right now. We love you very much (unless you’re that Instagram chode). Like I was saying, I’m not going to lie to you. I’m going to be 100% honest and upfront with you, GBH reader, about my feelings on the Lamar game.
Before I do that, however, one quick positive reflection on last week’s game. It sure was fun to play the defending champs with all the eyes in the CFB world looking at our Aggies. I really enjoyed that, despite the less than desirable outcome. But hey, if you bet on A&M to beat the spread, you won! I mean, I didn’t. I wrote a score down on the internet and I’m wrong forever now.
Some of you think I’m wrong forever for many reasons, most of which I probably can’t argue, but I’m getting off track. I told you I was going to be 100% honest with you in this Tailgate, and I need to do that. I promise, pinky swear even, that I’ll get to the honesty.
Thing is, I just remembered my point I was trying to make in the paragraph before that last one and I should probably clear that up. See, games like this aren’t marquee games, but they’re football. Remember 3 weeks ago when there was no football? Well, there’s football now, so quit bitching and watch it. If you’re thirsty and you turn down tap water because it’s not whatever frilly pH balanced mineral alkaline swill to which you’ve become accustomed, you’re an asshole and deserve dehydration.
Right, the honesty. Here goes: it’s midnight and I just sat down to write about the Lamar game. It feels great to just put that out there. Enjoy the game and self-medicate responsibly.
Aggies - 72
Lamar - 6
CAST OF CHARACTERS
With Jashaun Corbin out and Isaiah Spiller bumped up, there's a new #2 in the backfield. Look for plenty of playing time for the sophomore, and a chance to showcase his skillset.
When your first collegiate touchdown as a true freshman comes on the road at #1 Clemson, you're destined for greatness. Time for a breakout game.
Looks like it's Richardson week in this TAILGATE. Some may say it's never good when a defensive back is making as many tackles as the linebackers. I'm just glad someone's making tackles.
Elko might want to keep a spy on this guy. Hoy already has five rushing touchdowns through the first two games of the year. For comparison, Tennessee has five touchdowns as a team in 2019. Ergo, replace Tennessee with Jordan Hoy in the SEC East.
Number 90 has five tackles for loss so far and is averaging a sack a game. The OL will need to keep an eye on him if they want to keep Mond upright and give him time to make his reads this week.
Any kicker who rocks hair like this and also wears a lineman number is an absolute living legend. Best of luck to the hometown Bryan guy.
Losing is bad! Unless the team that you profess to not care about but secretly harbor ill will towards also loses to another team that you really hate and have tried to use as a surrogate for your instinctive hatred of the first school mentioned...well, it all gets rather confusing. It's a cascade of schadenfreude, an emotional roller coaster that mostly dips below the happiness line. But if you put enough of it together, it's basically just like winning!
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
THE HEAT BARN
It's gonna be a scorcher on Saturday, and the best way to defeat a college football rival is to provide better air conditioning to opponents than they do. Expect the same number of timeouts for cramping that LSU experienced, only this time it will be because the Lamar players' hamstrings are tight as snare drums from the wind chill.
BACK DOOR COVER 2
Nothing says moral victory like covering the spread when the game no longer matters. Smart money stays away from unpredictable spreads this large, so watch out for Lamar to grab some garbage points to ruin degenerate gamblers just like the Ags did last week.
These four guys will be absolutely important to, you know, the Aggies winning I guess. Listen, I don't have anything to actually say here. A couple weeks ago GBH commenter rangermatt02 mentioned this lineup of players on the sidelines in a photo and it's all I can think about so I just made this photoshop let's all move on.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
If you're looking for a classic matchup between a couple of top 25 SEC juggernauts, look no further than [checks notes] next weekend. For now, dumpster dive behind the finest restaurant in town and nosh on Colorado State @ Arkansas. The pigs are reeling after squeaking by Portland State and dropping one to Ole Miss. You either get to watch the Arky faithful turn to dust before your very eyes, or see newly-named starting QB Nick Starkel save the day and the season. WOO PIG STARKEL.
WHAT I'M DRINKING THIS WEEK
DID YOU KNOW: Lamar is a university, located in the thriving, nay - county seat - of Jefferson County, Texas. Many things spring to mind when reluctantly picturing the Golden Triangle: Spindletop, gators, soul-crushing humidity, etc. But what many people don't realize is that Beaumont is home to the oldest commercial rice mill in the state, having provided us this integral commodity crop since 1892.
In honor of the mill, and truly all of southeast Texas, this Saturday I'm going to drink no less than four bottles of Iso Jiman Junmai Daiginjo, one of Japan's most highly-rated sakes, and one no doubt that famous Lamar students Bum Phillips, Janis Joplin, Kevin Millar and Billy Tubbs would all appreciate for its clean finish and fruit-forward character.
Let us all toast a hearty Texan 'Kampai!' to our Cardinal brethren this weekend.
We've seen this show before and we didn't like it last time, neither. Seven point five milskies is championship money, and let me tell you son, there's cheaper ways to get to Tampa than the Outback Bowl. We'll let a loss to #1 slide this time, but don't make us get a new meter that says "Dabo" on it cuz boy, lemme tell ya, oil ain't crashed yet if you get my drift.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / BESTER CASE
I was kind of thinking about making burgers on Saturday. That'd be pretty sick.
I make said burgers, and eat one per quarter as A&M dismantles Lamar to the point where the school is shuttered forever. Kale is listed as a schedule 1 narcotic.