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Week 1 Sunday SEC Roundup

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Time to sift through the ashes

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: AUG 31 Georgia State at Tennessee
what the shit just happened
Photo by Matthew Maxey/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Not a great week for the greatest conference in the land! Let’s sort these results into some semblance of order.

THE PRISTINE

Alabama 42, Duke 3. Anytime you hold a Cutcliffe team to 3 points with a “depleted” linebacking group, you’re doing okay. It’s gonna be another long year for the rest of us.

LSU 55, Georgia Southern 3. Take notes, Tennessee. This is what you’re supposed to do when FCS teams from Georgia visit your school. Joe Burrow could have an excellent year.

Auburn 27, Oregon 21. Game of the season so far. Looks like Auburn supersized their order of #BLESSED this off-season.

THE PRETTY DECENT

Georgia 30, Vandy 6. Georgia looked fine. Vandy put up a decent fight for a little while, which places them firmly in the middle of the SEC East. No surprises here.

Texas A&M 41, Texas State 7. After watching Saturday’s results roll in, no Aggie fan in their right mind should feel as distraught about blowing that shutout as they did Thursday night.

Kentucky 38, Toledo 24. TFW barely covering the spread against a MAC team at home was the second-best effort in your division that week.

Mississippi State 38, ULL 28. The Bulldogs beat an FBS school. That’s enough to put them in the top half of the conference this week.

THE SLIGHTLY ATROCIOUS

Arkansas 20, Portland State 13. This is technically a “victory” in the same sense that pork is technically considered “barbecue” in some places {is buried in avalanche of hateful comments from fans angrier about BBQ than their own team’s ineptitude}

Mississippi 10, Memphis 15. Playing at 11 a.m. in the Liberty Bowl in blinding August sunlight is a great excuse for a hangover. Unfortunately for Ole Miss, their party ended quite some time ago.

South Carolina 20, North Carolina 24. The Head Coach In Waiting managed to dicktrip just one more time than his sensei, and that was enough.

THE HELLISH NIGHTMARES

Tennessee 30, Georgia State 38. PAAAAAWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL you hate to see it.

Missouri 31, Wyoming 37. At least people from Missouri got to see what mountains look like.