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What’ll it Be? Predicting Each SEC Stadium’s Trademark Cocktail

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Sidle up to the bar and slap down your orders

P.S. ARTS’ the pARTy! 2019 Photo by Rachel Murray/Getty Images for P.S. ARTS

Great news for all who enjoy vastly inflated prices surrounding college football games!

Of course this requires endless #content, so this pair of former draaankin’ heavyweights will now chime in with what we feel are appropriate concoctions to consume greedily at each SEC stadium. CHEERZE!

Kyle Field: Bourbon* ** and Coke***

*meaning Crown Royal

**which isn’t really bourbon, obviously

***(Pepsi)

Nothing screams “new money loudmouths” like the guy clamoring about “bourbon and coke” and then mixing a half a cup of Crown Royal with whatever soda is at hand. This is the powerfully unsubtle, appropriately obnoxious potency that was tailor-made for New Kyle Field and all the adorning embellishments, until such time we’ve mellowed enough to appreciate real bourbon, or won a championship, at which point WHO CARES POUR ME ANOTHER SUGAR BOMB. Bonus: purple felt Crown Royal bag is handy for toting around knickknacks and resentments.

Vanderbilt Stadium: Gin & Tonic

Infused, if possible. Coordinating Beefeater attire acceptable, if within stadium dress code regulations. No drink limit if you bring your own bartender. Why, Winston Churchill once declared, “The gin and tonic has saved more Englishmen’s lives, and minds, than all the doctors in the Empire.” The Commodores may lose by 50 to Mississippi State, but there will be no scurvy for these Vandy aristocrats!

Faurot Field: Pruno

Preferably concocted on the premises utilizing leftovers found in the team’s dining facilities. 100% organic and sustainable! If you’re gonna watch a 1 p.m. kick against Arkansas the day after Thanksgiving, you’re going to need some jailhouse juice to get through the afternoon.

Vaught-Hemingway Stadium: A Flight of Bourbons, Namely

1st Quarter: three fingers of a fine, rare, aged bourbon poured from a cut glass decanter into a crystal highball glass over one small cube of mineral ice.

2nd Quarter: 6 ounces of Jim Beam poured into a trademark red Solo cup, Hotty Toddy.

3rd Quarter: the last squeezings of a plastic handle of Evan Williams. Go on, get all that air out.

4th Quarter: the blissful haze of wandering around looking for someplace in The Grove to grab a quick Faulkner Nap and continue on into the soft light of the evening.

Sanford Stadium: Georgia Gin Cocktail

1.5 oz gin | 0.5 oz peach schnapps | 1 oz orange juice | 1 orange wedge, for garnish

You don’t become a super sweet, monogrammed, visor-wearing, paunchy dandy named after your mama’s maiden name by slugging back beer all day. I’m speaking of Georgia men, of course. All the diabetes of Coca-Cola plus some vitamin C. It’s basically a smoothie for nourishment after laying a turd in the Sugar Bowl and giving a Longhorn the last thing he needs - more unearned confidence. Best served off an ice luge of Saban’s wrench.

Kroger Field: Stolen Bourbon

What’s better than getting waffled on bourbon? Getting waffled on stolen bourbon. As an homage to the Bluegrass State’s bootleggers and roustabouts of yore, Kentucky fans are encouraged to pilfer, plunder, ransack, swipe, heist, peculate, swindle, snatch, rifle, poach, or loot any bourbon they can get their skeevy little mitts on. Much like in 2018, we in college football were none the wiser - we expected nothing from Kentucky. We’d get lulled to sleep, and BAM - it’s 10-9 with 2 minutes left in the 4th Quarter and your pappy’s bourbon is missing.

Bryant-Denny Stadium: The Delicious Tears and LIQUEFIED PULPY REMAINS OF OUR FRESHLY-EVISCERATED ENEMIES

PAAAAAAWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THIS IS BAMA WE DON’T NEED NO GIMMICK AND THAT’S ALL LIKKER IS, JUST A TRICK TO MAKE YOUR SUBCONT...SUPCONSH...INNER MIND THINK THAT YOU’RE HAPPIER THAN YOU REALLY ARE. NICK SABAN AIN’T GOT THE TIME NOR INCLINATION FOR FRIVOLOUS COCKTAILS AND NEITHER DOES A TRUE BAMA FAN. ONLY THING WE NEED AFTER SHAKIN OUR POM POMS IS SOME WATER AND MAYBE ONCE IN A WHILE A GOOD CUP OF FLESH-JUICE FROM THE BRUTALIZED CORPSES OF OUR FOOTBALL FOES AFTER THEY BEEN GROUND INTO PASTE OUT ON THE TURF, BUT IN A CLASSY WAY OF COURSE, GONNA HANGUP N LISSEN ROLL TIDE.

Donald W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium: Steel Reserve 211 (in quarts)

Since NWA is basically the Midwest of the SEC (Arkansas fans: please @ us and argue in the menchies, we crave your constructive criticisms!) we’ve got to roll with this high-octane elixir for Hogmania. It’s unapologetically oversized, slaps you around good, and it’s the defiantly bleak alternative to a more humane progression into the state you wish to achieve. In short, it’s liquid Bret Bielema and it’s borderline erotic.

Ben Hill Griffin Stadium: Gatorita

I’m not the first to make this up, but more refined authors would have you use Tequila. Not in this web log:

  • 5 oz. Everclear
  • 32 oz. Gatorade (they invented it, did you know?)
  • Chug a few sips of your favorite flavor of thirst quencher out the bottle. Pour in some Everclear to fill it back up. Shake (don’t stir), and rim the lip of the bottle with crushed bath salts if you wish. Pairs nicely with Tom Petty and inept offenses.

Neyland Stadium: Early Times from the bottle

Knoxville is the setting for Cormac McCarthy’s largely biographical novel Suttree, a rambling, rollicking beast of a story. Here are a few passages regarding the book’s drink of choice amongst the ne’er-do-wells:

“goddamn. what is this shit?
early times, called j-bone. best little old drink they is. drink that and you wont feel a thing the next mornin. or any morning.
whoo lord, give it here. hello early, come to your old daddy. here, pour some of it in this cup and let me cut it with coca-cola.
can’t do it, bud.
why not?
we done tried it. it eats the bottom out. watch it suttree. don’t spill none on your shoes

lord honey i know they make that old splo in the bathtub but this here is made in the toilet. he was looking at the bottle, shaking it. bubbles the size of gooseshot veered greasily up through the smoky fuel it held.

the last time i drank some of that shit i like to died. i stunk from the inside out. i laid in a tub of hot water all day and climbed out and dried and you could still smell it. i had to burn my clothes.

early times, he called. make your liver quiver. (page 26)”
Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Sounds perfect for Tennessee Football.

Davis Wade Stadium: Busch in Camouflage Cans

The perfect complement to all the RealTree MSU gear you’ll see carpeting Starkville on gamedays.
BONUS: allows all the Southern Baptists to feel as though they’re concealing their transgressions when they spot a fellow congregation member in the stands.

Tiger Stadium: Everything.

Just take five deep breaths and the ambient fumes in the humid air will make you mildly intoxicated.

Williams-Brice Stadium: Tough to Hear.

1 oz. Chile de árbol-infused St-Germain

1 oz. Absinthe

Spash of lime juice

Legend has it that a famous Hollywood barkeep invented the Tough to Hear when he served it to a silver screen starlet that was stymied on an Oscar. Being an also-ran is a tough fate. You will not find a more passionate, involved, SEC-hallmark-insane fan base than South Carolina. And what do they have to show for it? JACK. SHIT. This football program has done nothing. To make matters worse, they’re the flagship in the state and have to watch their agricultural brothers to the west led by an over-earnest pigskin Joel Osteen win natties and become a blueblood before their very eyes. UNPLEASANT. These cocks deserve to get bamboozled blind on absinthe. Shout out to friend of GBH and legend cock Stephen Garcia.

Jordan-Hare Stadium: Buttermakers

That’s N/A beer spiked with the hard stuff, Bad News Bears-style. “Oh, but it’s non-alcoholic,” they’ll say, unbidden, when self-consciously interpreting the curious glances from fellow Auburn Family members. One mustn’t flaunt sins in front of the Football Gods, lest there is another Kick Six lurking out there in the ether, ready to be bestowed upon the eager crowd that is pining to be #blessed.

What did we miss? Give us your pairings in the comments and bottoms-up!