Out Of His Shell: A&M Safety Derrick “Taco” Tucker Arrested Over Saucy Behavior

This is a sentence about tacos released through a man making $7.5 million annually to teach 18-22 year-olds how to play a kids’ game in the year 2019:

“Coach (Jimbo) Fisher has been made aware of the situation surrounding Derrick Tucker. We will continue to gather details surrounding the situation and have no further comment at this time.”

Lands. Titles. Kingdoms. The perception of deities. The affections of a woman. These are reasons men have inflicted violence upon others throughout the centuries.

Derrick Tucker? He chose tacos. Welcome to the future. Not only has human civilization reached a stage where fighting over snacks has advanced to criminalized behavior, but we also have to engage in antiseptic PR-speak whenever it happens to be a football player who gets caught doing so. God Bless America.

We do not know the details surrounding the taco offense. Perhaps the wrong hot sauce was applied. Perhaps the taco was served on a corn tortilla instead of flour. Cheese was added that was not requested. There was too much lettuce. Depending on the extent of the taco menu, the possibilities approach the endless.

Tacos are pure comfort. Meditative, almost. You get a whole lot of things you like wrapped up in one tiny packet, and you’ve got the option of enjoying multiple bundles of joy in one sitting. We get it. If someone interferes with that, particularly with ill intent, consequences are likely to be forthcoming.

Whatever his transgressions and lack of judgment surrounding this incident, the fact remains that Derrick “Taco” Tucker sent a message to the rest of the SEC: Texans will not suffer taco-based indignities lightly. When that hard shell begins to show cracks, we’ll know what sort of stuff we’re stuffed with. Something something taco analogy, the end.