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Happy “Get Indignant Over Strength of Schedule Ranking” Season!

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Revel in the beauty of this time of year

Azerbaijan Elections
“I say, good man, if you do not retract your meaningless online rankings, I shall be forced to protest.”
Photo by Oleg Nikishin/Getty Images

PAAAAWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.....

You know what time it is. It’s winding down on the end of May and we need some stuff to get HOT about. Spring Game attendance smack was so last month. Recruiting shit-talking is on the shelf now for a good while, albeit ready to be pulled off at a moment’s notice by the legions of drooling, goateed, teen-@’ing, jersey-wearing manchildren that man Recruiting Twitter. No, when we need a good dose of indignation just before the summer kicks in, we just spin the Wheel of Outrage and let it land on....

{dramatic, echoing, booming voice}

STRENGTH...OF...SCHEDULLLLE

Third place. THIRD! With all the teams on the Ags’ schedule? Easily three or four playoff contenders? This is an outright travesty, ladies and gentlemen. I say, I am so thoroughly discombobulated that I can hardly form a coherent thought by means of rebuttal. Won’t someone fetch the fainting couch lest I grow syncopic from my apoplectic rage-visions.

Don’t worry though, friends: there’s a simple answer.

TIRED: complaining about the ranking. (Exhibit A)

WIRED: warping the rankings into your own fantastical and glorious reality. (Exhibit B)

The beauty of the Internet is that logic can be easily manipulated. Twisted into whatever modernistic shape that you find arbitrarily pleasing. We are but the sculptors of this raw and vitriolic clay, and cuppycup is obviously one of the Masters.

This is a positive and bright approach to meaningless things that more of us should strive for. Negativity is a drain. Outrage is exhausting. It’s the rapidly-depleting fossil fuel of this era of online history. Why not try to adopt a more upbeat attitude with regards to completely vacuous lists that were designed specifically to enrage or alienate at least half of all who read them? If your first instinct is to get MAD ON LINE, congratulations. You’ve played right into their plans. If you can think on your feet and spin it into a positive for your team? Well, you’ve just shown them, pal. “Not this time,” you can say to them with a defiant wink and nod. You just proved that your team is better than they think, and it has to be true because it’s now written on the Internet.