Hello, recruiting fans. The biggest day in the college football sporting calendar is finally upon you: the day teenagers send in faxes to athletic offices declaring where they will play collegiate football next year. You made it through the entire excruciating actual football season just for this!
So you are ready; of course you are. Nonetheless, here are a few additional tips on how to attain the pinnacle of preparedness for this triumphant day.
TRIPLE YOUR MORNING CAFFEINE INTAKE.
You’re going to want to be alert, and you’re going to want to be up early. Brew a pot at home, bring an extra YETI tumbler and stop off at the good ol’ Circle K to double-up before you get to the office. For best results, arrive early to process the coffee side-effects, or complement your second cup with a nice Monster tallboy. Ignore any undue sweating or slight palpitations: that’s just your body telling you you’re ready to completely own your rivals online.
ESTABLISH YOUR DOMINANCE ON THE MORNING COMMUTE.
Don’t take any shit from anybody out there on the roadways. You are an important voice in the Recruiting #Industry Landscape, and you can ill afford to withstand any mundane traffic delays en route to your desk, where you will rain down fiery takes, praise, and ridicule to various deserving parties for the remainder of the day. Use whatever means necessary to get to work as quickly as possible. Feel the sudden urge to unleash a torrent of profanity at a school bus? Go for it. It’s no different than tweeting at recruits when you really think about it.
ISOLATE YOURSELF AT YOUR WORKSTATION
Work from home? Well jolly fucking joyous good for you. For the rest of us schmucks, there are precautions that can be taken to ensure that nobody disturbs you during these crucial morning hours when the faxes come rolling in. Put on the largest, most ostentatious headphones you can find. Who cares if you look like Merlin from Top Gun? People know you are shutting out the world to engage the enemy in Serious Business. If you’ve got an office, shut the door. Close the blinds if applicable. If you’re in a cube, string some crime scene tape over the entrance to discourage visitors. Open Floor Plan? No problem: put up a giant DO NOT DISTURB sign and huddle in a giant cardboard box cut to accommodate your work station.
I mean folks, just let everyone absolutely have it. YOU are the most important voice in this ecosystem, don’t ever forget that. Did a kid change his mind at the last minute and choose another in-state school over yours? Let that school have it. Let the fans have it. Remind them how utterly shit-tastic their institution of learning is, how revoltingly contemptible their fanbase is, how shady and underhanded their boosters are, how blatant their cheating was, and, last but not least, let the recruit know how foolish he was, and that you are sorry he’s going to have a shitty career and never accomplish anything. But, uh, do it in a classy way or something.
DON’T LOOK BACK
Once the dust has settled and the landscape is nothing but wreckage and aftermath tweets, sit atop your own pile of rubble and look down your nose at the rest of the #industry. You’ve done well. Very well. You didn’t get everyone you wanted, but you sure as hell let them know you didn’t really want them when you didn’t get them. Remind your rivals another few times how sorry their classes were. Downplay anything good said about them. Apply advanced statistics, spreadsheets, charts, prediction models, and every other available data that scientifically PROVES beyond a doubt that this recruiting class spells a certain playoff appearance for your team and doom for the rest of the conference and state. Gloat all you want; you’ve earned it. And never apologize to anyone for supporting your team.