[camera opens with a soft fade onto Jimbo Fisher in the press box overlooking Kyle Field]
JIMBO FISHER: I’ve only been in this home for going on over a year now. But the Aggie football program has been living here for decades. As we’ve grown through the years the home has grown with us, and rather than cleaning out our home we’ve just built on more and more and more so that we can keep gathering things. In the end, Aggie football has just gotten so... cluttered... so overloaded with junk and things we don’t need and it’s... honestly it’s just overwhelming. I’m not sure how to go about cleaning Aggie football by myself.
[Marie Kondo and her translator Marie Iida arrive on campus, walking next to the Association of Former Students. Kondo marvels at the large ring statue, exclaiming “Sono ringu dasai desune!”]
MARIE KONDO: With the KonMari method we tidy up not by location but by types of things. We start with clothing...
[B-roll footage of piles of Icy White jerseys, “glow-in-the-dark” helmets, and medium size “We Control The Tide” t-shirts.]
MARIE: Next books...
[Panning shot of storage room in Kyle Field stacked with thousands of unsold copies of 100 Year Decision.]
MARIE: Then paper.
[Single still shot of fax machine spitting copy after copy of Javonne Shepherd’s Xeroxed butt onto the floor.]
MARIE: Next is komono, meaning miscellaneous things.
DJ MIKE: What are you filming is this a 12th Man Productions thing?
MARIE: And finally, sentimental items.
[Slow zoom-out shot on the graves of past Reveilles.]
[Marie leads Jimbo Fisher to the 50 yard line and kneels in the Japanese style.]
MARIE: Before we begin I like to pray to say hello to the home. [She smiles brightly.] The home of the 12 man!
[Marie leads Jimbo in prayer before being attacked by a saber-wielding cadet for “desecrating a living monument”.]
[Marie holds up the TexAgs politics board.]
MARIE: For each items you must ask yourself ‘Does this spark joy in my heart?’ If you do not feel special sparkle in your heart you must thank it for everything it did and then remove it from your life.
[Marie gently folds the politics board in thirds and thanks it.]
POLITICS BOARD: stupid [racial epithet] should of thanks me 4 her having a job I remember when [something horrifying about internment camps]
[Marie piles the entire roster on the bed.]
MARIE: It is important to pile all of the players on the bed to see how much football players you really have. Sometimes we think we need more tight end when we only use one each year.
[Marie picks up one player and holds it out with an alarmingly polite smile.]
MARIE: Does this player spark joy?
JIMBO: I mean... no, I suppose he doesn’t... not really... Ma’am we really do need a long snapper though.
[Marie’s smile intensifies to punctuate what a slovenly cave creature you are.]
MARIE: ...For some items you set aside as... sentimental. You do these items last when your heart is truly attuned to the spark of joy.
[Marie slides open drawer full of quarterbacks. She smiles so brightly that Jimbo’s skin begins to crack like old leather.]
MARIE: Sugoi! You already tidy up this area! So good!
[Marie stands at a window in the club level of Kyle Field, staring silently at a Sherman M4A4 tank parked outside. She is not smiling.]