NEW YEAR’S BOWLIN’ EVE

Today’s when the good stuff hits. Belk, Sun, Alamo, Liberty...these are the fun ones. If you’re working, go steal a secluded corner in the office and fire them up. Or just watch them blatantly and stare down anyone who challenges you. It’s important to establish dominance in the bowl watching kingdom. If you’re not working, the world’s your oyster. Enjoy it.

Belk Bowl | Virginia Tech vs. Kentucky | 11 a.m. | ESPN

by Rush

It’s sunny, cool, and bright in Charlotte. A couple of teams from Commonwealths are duking it out in an NFL stadium on the east coast. Before noon on a Tuesday, it seems almost surreal. It’s the perfect backdrop for treating yourself to a leisurely full breakfast. Here’s what I recommend as a base:

• eggs
• breakfast meats (sausage/bacon/ham, etc.)
• starches (tortillas/biscuits/waffles, etc.)
• maybe some fruit in there for appearance’s sake
• a nice pot of coffee

I’ve chosen spicy sausage and egg tacos with cheese. I’ve eaten a banana. The coffee’s ready to drink. Pile up your platter and slide onto the couch around 11:00 for the broadcast. Dining heartily while watching this game will put you right for all the rest of today’s action. If you’ve missed the 11 a.m. window (like we did), no matter. It’s never too late for breakfast on a holiday.

Sun Bowl | Florida State vs. Arizona State | 1 p.m. | CBS

by Shooter

These two schools aren’t exactly known for their strict academic standards of excellence. There are party schools. There are “fall back” schools. And then there is Arizona State and Florida State. One of the application requirements for these schools is to “fog a mirror”. By gathering these two fan bases together in a border town, they should just skip the halftime performances and lineup everyone on the field for a free shot of penicillin. The Sun Bowl will have more bodily fluids being swapped than at the AVN Awards. If you want to crash this party, just grab a double shot of spray tan, throw on some flip flops, down a 12 pack of White Claws, and start every sentence with “Bruh”.

Liberty Bowl | Kansas State vs. Navy | 2:45 p.m. | ESPN

by Rush

TIRED: Another boring matchup between an overachieving service academy and a mid-tier G5 team.

WIRED: Take one population of landlocked Middle Americans, one population of folks who spend a considerable amount of time in the cramped quarters of ships, throw them together on New Year’s Eve in a town built on river trade and gambling whose lasting legacy is outrageously good live music, some of the best food in the country, and a shrine mansion dedicated to the King of Rock n’ Roll, and baby, you got a Liberty Bowl brewin’.

These teams are going to play smart, tough football while hordes of their fans scream raucously on camera decked out in Elvis glasses and sideburns. This is why we watch bowls.

Arizona Bowl | Georgia State vs. Wyoming | 3:30 p.m. | CBSSN

by Shooter

Alamo Bowl | Texas vs. Utah | 6:30 p.m. | ESPN

by Rush

One of these head coaches is a motorcycle-ridin’, Rolling Stones-listening, former linebacker for Lavell Edwards. The other is a construction worker cosplayer who enjoys the mellow vibes of the Dave Matthews Band or heck, whatever else the kids are listening to these days. We’ll let you decide which one lives up to the ethos of the sacred myth of Texas Independence and the defenders of the Alamo.

(In case you’re not into guessing games or a few into the NYE libations already, here’s our good pal H.I. with the spoiler)