Extremely Rushed Christmas Eve Intro
It’s Christmas Eve, and I forgot to write the Tailgate intro for the Texas Bowl. I’d feel bad about it, but I’d bet a lot of you aren’t thinking really hard about the Texas Bowl. You’re sure not going to miss my normal hard-hitting football analytics and breakdowns of Mond’s perceived wrist-load. However, I am happy that we’re facing down OSU this Friday. I miss those folks up in Stillwater.
Yeah, I know the BIG DUMPSTER FIRE is a shit conference and whatever accurate argument you wanna make. I’m also not going to sit here and say we shouldn’t have left because, well, the SEC is a fun and I love that the Aggies play here now. I will say, with a tinge of nostalgia, that bowl season sometimes reminds us of past rivals… and I’m nostalgic for that level of hate.
Looking back on this season, it was one of those you’d probably rather forget. Yeah the Aggies played a load of top-ranked opponents and ended the season with the current #1 team in the nation getting revenge for the one time they lost in the new version of A&M-Tiger. But… did we die? No. We’re fans, we just watch the games. This team, however, took a few shots on the chin. We’re about to find out if they can get up off the canvas with whatever personnel are suiting up for the game and swing back.
That last paragraph was my audition for The Athletic via TexAgs. Also, if you’re mad at a player for skipping the Texas Bowl, remind yourself of that time you missed a work party. Come on, that’s your TEAM. You should be there because of commitment and loyalty and such.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Time to treat yourselves. Lexus is so five years ago; the real "December to Remember" now involves exercise bikes that cost as much as a lengthy international vacation. Here are some of the special features not shown on the teevee.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
DAYS OF YORE
The Aggies are in Houston with exactly one scholarship running back, 2019 life-saver Isaiah Spiller. Should Spiller get injured I will weep in public but also his backup will be QB Connor Blumrick. Look for the Aggies to don leather helmets, set up in the single-wing formation, put a lanky white dude in at running back, and remind people why the Aggies are the stuff of your dreams and the Kaiser's nightmares! Do your part: buy ward bonds today!
RAISING THE DEAD
A few suggestions for improving the game day environment at Reliant Stadium:
This will be my final GBH Tailgate. I am handing over the reins to my section of the flagship post to fresher blood, someone who has new jokes they won't have to retread for years to come. I'll still be around, still doing the FML and podcasts and whatever other schtick comes to mind. But the GBH community and the Tailgate herself deserve better and I mean to see that they get it.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#4 OKLAHOMA VS. #1 LSU
Oklahoma is the objectively inferior team here which is why it will be hilarious when they win.
MISSISSIPPI STATE VS. LOUISVILLE
What is there to say about this bowl that has or has not already been said. Honestly, is there anything to say? Anything at all.
#9 FLORIDA VS #24 VIRGINIA
The reward for ending up #9 in the nation while playing in the SEC is the same as the reward for finishing #24 in the ACC and losing the championship game by 6 touchdowns. This is an important data point in the "playing in the SEC gets you in the playoffs" argument.
VIRGINIA TECH VS. KENTUCKY
This is the swan song of the Belk Bowl, which will be under new sponsorship next year. Farewell to the OG well-run bowl social media account.
#18 MINNESOTA VS. #12 AUBURN
I will be walking around the stands recording these two fan bases interacting with each other and then marketing the resulting cassette tapes as a Prozac replacement.
#14 MICHIGAN VS. #13 ALABAMA
Watch out when buying tickets to the VRBO Bowl. Sure the price is great, but they expect you to clean the stadium before you leave and then they still charge you a $300 cleaning fee.
#5 GEORGIA VS. #7 BAYLOR
Don't do this to me again, Georgia.
INDIANA VS. TENNESSEE
Bowl games fall into three categories:
1) hell yes that will be fun to watch
2) how the hell did either of these teams reach eligibility
3) I have never heard of these schools
Put down enough bourbon and we can hit all three here.
Let's dispense with the artifice of talking to Jamesbo about his year. This week's ROI'd Rage is directed at the consumer. I'm still glad Jamesbo is here, and I have diminishing but extant hope that he will do the things we want him to do at A&M. It takes any coach two or three years to get his system and his guys and his other platitudes in place, so of course he gets a free pass. But as we begin 2020 let's be perfectly clear about what we want, what we are paying, and what we are getting for our money. And just because it's Christmas and we're feeling generous, let's go ahead and assume the Aggies win this week (SPOILER ALERT: I am not actually assuming this).
Really the only two takeaways here are
1) we made it clear we were paying the big bucks for the big name because 8-5 just wasn't going to cut it anymore, and
2) if we want to go 8-5 then let's try buying store brand 8-5 and save ourselves some scratch.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / BESTER CASE
An Aggie victory with no injuries.
Losing the game awakens a spirit in Gundy's mullet. The mullet grows, bigger and bigger until it eclipses an entire side of NRG Stadium. It grows bigger, shinier, more voluminous like a horrific Pantene Pro V commercial. And then, as suddenly as it came into existence, the mullet collapses in on itself, sending Mike Gundy across time and space. He continues to inhabit other people's bodies, solving problems until he can leap no more.