My Dog Won’t Stop Licking His Baton Rouge
It’s Thanksgiving and I’m writing a Tailgate intro completely full of delicious food. It’s a good thing I don’t drink anymore because, were I still on the sauce, this intro would be even more incomprehensible than normal. Kind of like an audiobook read by Coach Orgeron. Strike that. I would pay dearly to have read to me by that man in his rich, beautiful tones. Give me Coach O reads the Harry Potter series tomorrow, please and thank you. Mostly, I want to hear him pronounce “Horcrux.”
With a food coma inevitable, I need to tell you what I think will unfold before I fall forward into my desk with such force that my next column will be my signed DNR.
I don’t know if any of you were bullied as a kid, maybe I was just weak, but let me tell you it’s no fun. Well, it’s no fun until you get one good shot in on that shitbag of a human being and suddenly you understand Arnold’s character from Predator when he says “if it bleeds, we can kill it.” Sometimes, that’s all it takes. One shot. Last year, A&M got extra life and took plenty of shots at LSU, finally breaking a horrific streak of holiday weekend losses.
In Hollywood, this is where you freeze-frame the victory celebration, fade to black, and assume all on the winning team went on to lead ultra-successful lives in the job they dreamed of with a spouse they love unconditionally while they raise perfect children. They die old, happy, comfortable, and rich.
The bully, on the other hand, is forced into a life of destitution. From that moment on, Karma, dressed in all leather and knee-high steel-toed boots, delivers a lifelong nut kicking that would make Marv Albert scream “YES!”
But that’s Hollywood. And hey, it might work out that way. The Aggies could go into Baton Rouge and finally get a road win against LSU this Saturday night. Nothing would make me happier. Well, nothing in the sports world this particular week. Tons of shit would make me happier, but that’s a longer essay.
If this Aggie team is to get a win in Baton Rouge, they’re going to have to go through every training montage you’ve ever seen this week, because LSU has been stewing in a pot of pissed off stock for an entire year, and they’re going to throw everything they have at our boys to make a point.
Spoil em, Ags.
Swamp Kitty 61
CAST OF CHARACTERS
The house is quiet and the dishwasher hums dutifully from a now-empty kitchen. Mounds of delicious leftovers stacked cartoonishly in your refrigerator beckon from the darkness, but you are sated for the moment. Nay, it is time to reflect upon another aspect of the holiday: family.
Specifically, this: what legacy will you leave your descendants when they ask you about the Texas A&M-LSU rivalry?
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
One might think if you were the head coach of a team ranked No. 2, guaranteed a slot next week in the conference ‘ship in Atlanta, and a 17-point chalk favorite at home that one would be comfortable in one’s own skin.
One would be wrong.
Coach Ed Orgeron is Likes-to-Fight-Guy. You know these guys. They feed on any perceived slight, cross look, or condescension. This paranoid nourishment fuels them. It delivers a twisted joy. And it yields fights. Battles. Bouts. Brawls. Clashes. Melees. Quarrels. Scuffles. Free-for-alls. Fisticuffs. Ruckuses. Could it be?
Coach Orgeron has not forgotten about last year’s bath of Gatorade and subsequent L. The boring, NFL-ish, safe way to approach this week would be for him to say, “we’re viewing this like any other game” or “that’s all in the past, we’re focused on this year…” Coach Likes-to-Fight doesn’t roll that way. He’s fought for every single thing he’s ever achieved and it’s admirable as hell. It’s his nature. So you bet your ass he’s ready for Saturday in Death Valley.
Coach O: “Sure. I think it's a rivalry. We beat them for a long time, and they beat us last year and it hurt. They have a good team. Coach Fisher is a good coach. He's been here. We all know about it. This is competitive. So they have great players. We have great players. They have great coaches. It's going to be a heck of a game. We need to beat the other schools. That helps us in recruiting and also helps us in recruiting in Houston. Houston is one of our biggest areas of recruiting, so we beat Texas, and beating Texas A&M helps us.
“These guys will be internally motivated to play well in this game. I know they will. But they also understand that that doesn't win games. You have to go out there and perform. You have to take care of the football, take care of your fundamentals and execute. We're going to be sky high, but we can't be too high to where we're committing a bunch of penalties and all that stuff, but it's going to be an emotional game because of what happened last year.”
Coach O is coming for a fight. Let’s punch back harder.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
Let’s throw some gamblin’ darts at the SEC rivalry games this weekend.
Hot damn. This goes against every CEO Principle we hold dear, but we ain't dockin' you a cent for losin' to Georgia by six last week, Jamesbo. We're countin' double on you to put our money where our mouths are this week, though.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / BESTER CASE
The Aggies play the most complete game they've played all year and spoil the absolute hell out of the Tigers, sending them into a tailspin, ruining their chances at the CFP after getting hammered by UGA in the SEC Championship game.
Coach O retires to do voiceover work and begins narrating nature shows on National Geographic. Disney + is already a steal, but this would push a lot of people over the edge.