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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs. Georgia

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Tell you what, “between the hedges” sounds more downright pleasant than intimidating. Let’s TAILGATE and see what the fuss is all about.


Spoiler Alert

The Aggies have two games left against the #4 and #1 teams in the CFP. So far, in playing top 10 opponents, our lads have come up short. Well NO MORE. At least for one of these. The next two games are going to be fun in the sense that A&M has nothing to lose. Well, except for the games themselves but I’m feeling it so roll with me here.

If the most fun thing in college football is winning the National Championship, the next most fun thing has to be spoiling other conference team’s ability to appear in the playoff. We start with Georgia. Yes, the same Georgia who let the Cocks slip through the cracks with a win. Those Cocks? We beat those Cocks. I’m still not sorry about forced dick jokes.

After last week, the Ags have to feel good about their chances of going into #4’s house and walking out with a W. Rev could walk up to Uga post-game, sniff his parts, and turn her General ranked nose up at his inferior breeding parts.

I’m sorry for that. All dogs are good dogs. Except for Uga this week, he should wear the cone of shame.

So, my friends, go into this week with your head held high and be proud that the Aggies could potentially go into Georgia and return with a better result than the Devil did with his stupid golden fiddle.

Aggies 30
Dawgs 27


CAST OF CHARACTERS


#12THMEME

Ever noticed all those crazy scamps at Georgia games dressed up like Mad Max cosplayers at an American Gladiator open tryout? These lovable goons want their beloved Dawgs to be so good, they dress up like they're going to an NFL game. But what's really going on behind the makeup and plastic?


WHAT TO WATCH FOR

#WEDNESDAYTRENDSDAY

The Aggies have consistently increased their running yards against every P5 opponent they have faced this season. It would be easy enough to put a line of best fit to this data, but a linear projection is the kind of data forecasting a bitch would use. Let's get quadratic.

Let x = the number of days since Sept. 7th, 2019

y = (x/4)^2 + 53

The good news is that the Aggies should rush for about 425 yards this weekend. The alarming news is that when Georgia finally visits College Station in 2024, the Aggies' starting running back will finish the game a little over 200,000 yards away, which roughly means he will run from the line of scrimmage in Kyle Field to the line of security at Houston Hobby Airport.

THE PERILS OF BEING CREDENTIALED

Last weekend a sideline photographer was knocked out by Georgia RB Brian Herrien. We at Good Bull Hunting have been warning people for years that getting press credentials to an Aggie football game is not worth the risk. If you need us we will be watching the game from GBH World Headquarters buried deep in the caves beneath Kyle Field, occasionally gazing longingly upward and wondering what a hug feels like.

WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME

Playing between the hedges at Sanford Stadium is one of the iconic venues that defines college football and makes it unique in American sport. Be sure to drink it in, because Christ knows when we're ever going back. Currently the SEC has scheduled opponents through 2025 and a trip to Athens is not in those books. The next time the Aggies visit Georgia it is likely that my 3 year old daughter will attend the game with her fellow students on a road trip, and I will have been killed years before by sentient Twitter nanobots operated by the Department of Thought Crime created during Donald Trump's fourth term.


ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

It's that magical week again. Western Carolina, Samford, UT Martin, East Tennessee State, Abilene Christian, and Arkansas all step forward to accept a paycheck to be hunted for sport. This is Hard Target if JCVD had gotten giardia and Danny Devito had stood in for him.

The most dangerous game is man and also catamounts.


ROI'd RAGE

Wellsir, that dog'll hunt I reckon. You earned yourself a fair piece o' them there fat stacks, and come next harvest if you're lookin' for work we'd be much obliged. Now if'n you wanna go whole hog you got yourself a dadgum Mount Olympus of hills to climb come Thanksgiving. Good luck, Jamesbo.


PLACE YOUR BETS


BEST CASE / BESTER CASE

BEST CASE

Spoil the shit out of Georgia's season.

BESTER CASE

The playoff committee decides that winners usurp rankings from here on out and the Ags are ranked 4 after this win.