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Fan Misery Ladder 19.12: This Is Sparty

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aggy is cheatin’ pawwwwwwl

Penn State v Michigan State Photo by Duane Burleson/Getty Images

Welcome back the Fan Misery Ladder, where we continue to overlook NC State just like the rest of the world.

Sparty no. No, no, no, Sparty. Dammit Sparty, we just bought that rug. Rivalry games give fans something to look forward to, an opportunity to salvage an otherwise lost season by at least spitting in the face of some people you probably went to high school with. Beating your rival is fun. Whatever it is that happened in Ann Arbor is not fun at all. Mark Dantonio can now officially join Bo Pelini in the Hall Of Coaches I Wanted A&M To Hire But Am Glad In Retrospect That They Don’t Listen To Me. Chris Petersen is still on the fence.

It’s bad enough to get your doors blown off by your in-state rival without their safety then dropping this Midwestern hand grenade in the postgame:

“I’m pretty pleased, because I feel like we’re way more classier than them,” Metellus said.

For those of you that don’t speak American Heartland, this is an assassination. This was a highsign, a Michigan dog whistle letting everyone know that State has been burnt. No one in green and white will ever eat at Big John’s Steak & Onion ever again. Brian Lewerke’s meemaw isn’t returning his phone calls.

Let’s take a look at the big board:

If you are unfamiliar with the rules you can find them here and here.

MISERY OF NOTE

THE FML IS NOT TRASH While the algorithms and mechanics look good on paper, they have resulted in placing Texas A&M in Tier One, which makes the FML look extremely flawed. However, a deep dive into the Aggies’ results reveals that they’ve been planning an FML heist like the MIT blackjack team. They studied the system and found a way to work within it to swing the odds in their favor without technically cheating:

  • WLWLWLWWWW - the Aggies staggered their losses, insulating them from any losing streaks.
  • All three losses came against teams ranked higher than them, ensuring no drop in the FML.
  • In both the Clemson and Alabama games, Jalen Wydermyer scored a touchdown in the final 9 minutes of a game that was effectively over. Both times those touchdowns cut the deficit to less than 21 points.

The FML is not broken, we just have a crew of highly trained card counters who will be asked to leave. Jamesbo Fisher has been put in the FML facial recognition database.

RETCON NOTICE 1 After much discussion last week I decided to drop Alabama one tier for losing to rival [sic] LSU. They then beat MSU by 31 points so here we are. As for being sad about losing Tua, they should just attempt to match his level of chill.

RETCON NOTICE 2 Also after discussion last week, I have penalized some teams for already having eliminated themselves from getting 6 wins to get bowl eligible. What about teams who squeak in with 5 wins? They are the saddest of all and we will not speak of them. Most of the teams who got bumped were already as low as they could go, but notable exceptions are Kansas and Northwestern.

LOOKING AHEAD

  • Pit Fight Of The Week: Nebraska/Maryland
  • Oregon could deal Arizona State their fifth loss in a row. Remember when ASU was in Tier One? Those were simpler times, before doing X during class was totally over.
  • It’s that special week of the year before rivalry week when five SEC teams play a random FCS school you’ve never heard of. Normally there’d be nothing to see here, but some of these SEC teams are bad y’all.

FML 19.11: Take Me Home
FML 19.10: S-E-C! S-E-C!
FML 19.9: Onward to Misery
FML 19.8: We Are The Aggies, The Aggies Are We
FML 19.7: Commodore Days and Scarlet Knights
FML 19.6: Shell Shock Jayhawk
FML 19.5: Ramblin’ Wrecks
FML 19.4: Not All Tears Are Blood
FML 19.3: This Means Something
FML 19.2: The Pac Delivers
FML 19.1: Rocky Bottom
FML 19.0: Preseason