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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs. South Carolina

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It’s time for the greatest rivalry in college football. Get set to ruffle some feathers, it’s TAILGATE TIME.


Beat the Hell Outta Cocks

OK, it’s the time of year where we play our hated cross-conference rival scu (see what I did there?). It’s finally a rivalry where the Aggies can claim a lopsided superiority against our phallically nicknamed foes, having not dropped a game to them since joining the SEC, or ever for that matter. Aggies should still be wary of this game, these Cocks beat UGA.

Everyone loves a dick joke, and if you don’t; here’s your trigger warning. The mascot we’re playing is the Gamecock. The three-bar hat of choice of future douchebag frat guys in the late ’90s was the one that said “COCKS” on it because of course it was. Well, that and the Oregon State version. I’m sure I’ve made that reference before, but hey, these are once a year. Lemme have it.



So, that being said, here’s a bullet-pointed list of dumb Cock jokes because I can. If you get offended remember - you’re the one who kept going down after I told you what was coming.

  • [hands SC fan a lollipop with a Gamecock wrapper]: Enjoy that Cock sucker.
  • [after a play when a defensive tackle from South Carolina puts pressure on Kellen Mond] WOW, that Cock really penetrated!
  • [group of bodybuilding South Carolina fans enter the bar] Look at those oily, hard Cocks! Wow!
  • [after being challenged to darts by a South Carolina fan with a tremendous headache that he won’t shut up about] Hang on, fellas. I gotta go beat this throbbing Cock.
  • [a 5’0” 600lb South Carolina fan holds the door open for your group] Y’all thank that nice, short, fat Cock back there?
  • [an SC fan calls the front desk of their hotel to complain about the pillows. Upon returning, the Concierge notes that the customer’s fix was easy and pillow related] Oh, no big deal. All that Cock needed was a little fluffing.
  • [at the hotel pool, a South Carolina fan wants to swim, but can’t muster the courage to jump and requests assistance from the lifeguard] They were begging for it, so I just shoved that Cock right in.
  • Shoutout to all you South Carolina fans who read this with a warm heart. Your forgiveness of my terrible sense of humor truly means a lot to me. Some people may call you mean, but I know deep down you’re just a bunch of soft Cocks.

    Aggies 42
    Gamecocks 21


    CAST OF CHARACTERS


    #12THMEME

    What are memes but a dichotomy of our true selves; a searing insight into the battling forces within our souls that we fight to restrain each waking hour? This week we're branching out: it's a caption-your-own memefest. Will we see Angry Muschamp, Pensive Muschamp, or will we see them both at war with each other before our eyes?


    WHAT TO WATCH FOR

    HE'S HEATING UP

    me: if my Aggies win today it'll probably be the final nail in the coffin of the Will Muschamp tenure

    alternate dimension me: oh cool same here

    me: yeah but this is extra fun because he coaches our rival

    adm: oh yeah same here

    me: wait, I mean the-

    adm: are you talking about the-



    [simultaneously] me: GAMECOCKS
    adm: LONGHORNS



    [mug to camera]
    [cue Yakety Sax]

    UNDER PRESSURE

    South Carolina has only won one game this season in which their opponent recorded a sack. For the Aggies to chalk up another win in this storied rivalry, it will be critical that they get pressure on South Carolina quarterback [checks notes]... [flips page]... [eventually dies of exposure].

    LIKE ANOTHER BUTT ON THE FIELD

    Jamesbo Fisher is known in the league as a quarterback whisperer, but between the smash success of Jace Sternberger last season and now the emergence of Jalen Wydermeyer, he's showing he knows how to coach another position. The man knows a good tight end, folks.

    Dick and butt jokes, everyone. Welcome to Gamecock week. I promise that this will be at worst the second-to-last butt joke I make in the tailgate.


    ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

    #4 GEORGIA @ #12 AUBURN

    In a more perfect world this game would be covered by Jon Gruden and Houston Nutt, a veritable who's who of bizarre Hogville pipe dream coaching hires. If you are a fan of chaos in the college football scene then you are rooting for Auburn to make the SEC championship picture just slightly hazier.


    ROI'd RAGE

    The Aggies are technically bowl eligible with three games to spare, even if it seems likely that we will be sparing two of those games. OK, Jamesbo, we'll make ya even at halfway, even though six wins and a cloud of dust is hardly half of Aggie expectations.


    PLACE YOUR BETS


    BEST CASE / BESTER CASE

    BEST CASE

    The broadcast crew works in at least 5 Cock jokes.

    BESTER CASE

    Win the ballgame, this crew beat next week's opponent.