Beat the Hell Outta Cocks
OK, it’s the time of year where we play our hated cross-conference rival scu (see what I did there?). It’s finally a rivalry where the Aggies can claim a lopsided superiority against our phallically nicknamed foes, having not dropped a game to them since joining the SEC, or ever for that matter. Aggies should still be wary of this game, these Cocks beat UGA.
Everyone loves a dick joke, and if you don’t; here’s your trigger warning. The mascot we’re playing is the Gamecock. The three-bar hat of choice of future douchebag frat guys in the late ’90s was the one that said “COCKS” on it because of course it was. Well, that and the Oregon State version. I’m sure I’ve made that reference before, but hey, these are once a year. Lemme have it.
So, that being said, here’s a bullet-pointed list of dumb Cock jokes because I can. If you get offended remember - you’re the one who kept going down after I told you what was coming.
Shoutout to all you South Carolina fans who read this with a warm heart. Your forgiveness of my terrible sense of humor truly means a lot to me. Some people may call you mean, but I know deep down you’re just a bunch of soft Cocks.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
What are memes but a dichotomy of our true selves; a searing insight into the battling forces within our souls that we fight to restrain each waking hour? This week we're branching out: it's a caption-your-own memefest. Will we see Angry Muschamp, Pensive Muschamp, or will we see them both at war with each other before our eyes?
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
HE'S HEATING UP
me: if my Aggies win today it'll probably be the final nail in the coffin of the Will Muschamp tenure
alternate dimension me: oh cool same here
me: yeah but this is extra fun because he coaches our rival
adm: oh yeah same here
me: wait, I mean the-
adm: are you talking about the-
[simultaneously] me: GAMECOCKS
[mug to camera]
[cue Yakety Sax]
South Carolina has only won one game this season in which their opponent recorded a sack. For the Aggies to chalk up another win in this storied rivalry, it will be critical that they get pressure on South Carolina quarterback [checks notes]... [flips page]... [eventually dies of exposure].
LIKE ANOTHER BUTT ON THE FIELD
Jamesbo Fisher is known in the league as a quarterback whisperer, but between the smash success of Jace Sternberger last season and now the emergence of Jalen Wydermeyer, he's showing he knows how to coach another position. The man knows a good tight end, folks.
Dick and butt jokes, everyone. Welcome to Gamecock week. I promise that this will be at worst the second-to-last butt joke I make in the tailgate.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#4 GEORGIA @ #12 AUBURN
In a more perfect world this game would be covered by Jon Gruden and Houston Nutt, a veritable who's who of bizarre Hogville pipe dream coaching hires. If you are a fan of chaos in the college football scene then you are rooting for Auburn to make the SEC championship picture just slightly hazier.
The Aggies are technically bowl eligible with three games to spare, even if it seems likely that we will be sparing two of those games. OK, Jamesbo, we'll make ya even at halfway, even though six wins and a cloud of dust is hardly half of Aggie expectations.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / BESTER CASE
The broadcast crew works in at least 5 Cock jokes.
Win the ballgame, this crew beat next week's opponent.