Welcome back to the Fan Misery Ladder, where everyone regrets realigning to the Big Ten.
Let’s pull back the curtain and take a look at how the sadness sausage gets made.
This is the desktop computer that I use to create my GBH works, such as they are. This proto-adding machine sputters to life audibly each week, groaning and clicking and whirring and I think one time it sneezed, but eventually booting up to let me make the laziest photoshops on the internet before returning to its barcalounger to rest.
Except last night, when this grumpy old bitch decided not to. It powered up to a series of red lights and refused to respond to the limited stimuli I can provide. Without a computer engineering degree, prior to any semblance of booting there are only a couple of ways I can interact with a computer and all of those involve either removing and then returning its source of electrofood or just yelling at / pleading with it. Eventually one of those must have worked because I got a new and exciting audible clicking noise and then it was Windows 8 business as usual.
This computer says CYBERPOWER on it, because anyone born in the 80s remembers a time in the 90s when adding the word “cyber” to anything meant that it would let you physically surf through the visible internet while riding a skateboard and wraparound sunglasses. Everything in the 90s was the movie “Hackers”.
The point is that my computer tried to save us from ourselves. It reluctantly was party to the FML for weeks before it said “you know what no”. It laid itself down in front of our car in a feeble attempt to stop us from delivering the bad news to so many football fans. Well this is important, Cybie, and the FML waits for no virus-ridden technojalopy.
Anyway, West Virginia went to five straight bowls under Dana Holgorsen and now they just oozed on past Texas Tech on their way to a 1-5 tie with Kansas at the bottom of the Big XII. Almost Heaven is true for very small values of heaven and very large values of almost.
The Big XII remains demonstrably the least miserable conference in football, but the Mountaineers are part of the reason that they are closing that gap with speed. Just imagine what will happen now that Baylor has to actually play someone.
Let’s take a look at the big board.
MISERY OF NOTE
SOUL REALIGNMENT Joining the Big Ten in this century is rough on people. Nebraska, Rutgers, and Maryland fans are wondering if maybe they were a little hasty and checking the policy on breaking their lease. Look, they’re gonna keep your first and last month’s rent and there’s no way you’re getting that deposit back after what the Buckeyes did to the place.
DOES SPARTY SMELL I MEAN PROBABLY YEAH For whatever reason the rest of college football is giving Michigan State fans a wide berth at the Seventh Tier. Hell, NC State took one look at them and decided to jump all the way to Eight. Y’all be nice to Texas A&M University - East Lansing.
WE KNEW YOU’D BE BACK ‘DORES Vandy couldn’t quit the Ninth Tier if they wanted to. Beating a top 10 team is a tall order for anyone, but getting blanked and giving up 8 touchdowns to Florida will leave a mark. Don’t worry, the Volunteers just stepped out for a couple weeks to get cigarettes but they’ll be back.
- The Notre Dame / Navy rivalry game has the potential to shoot the Domers right back up into the First Tier, which feels undeserved and so decidedly Irish.
- By the same token, Michigan / Michigan State could just finish off Sparty for good. It’s gonna get crowded in Nine.
- If Oklahoma doesn’t hang a dozen touchdowns on Baylor I am going to drop every team six levels because nothing could be more disappointing than the Bears continuing to not get what they deserve.
FML 19.10: S-E-C! S-E-C!
FML 19.9: Onward to Misery
FML 19.8: We Are The Aggies, The Aggies Are We
FML 19.7: Commodore Days and Scarlet Knights
FML 19.6: Shell Shock Jayhawk
FML 19.5: Ramblin’ Wrecks
FML 19.4: Not All Tears Are Blood
FML 19.3: This Means Something
FML 19.2: The Pac Delivers
FML 19.1: Rocky Bottom
FML 19.0: Preseason