Five Mystical Relics Texas A&M Football Needs to Unearth to Beat Alabama

Happy Alabama week to all of our earnest readers! Things aren’t looking great for the Aggies, if we’re honest with each other. That’s why we’re taking a positive approach this year and focusing on ways for Texas A&M to beat the Tide by any means necessary. Put on your spelunking gear and hit the globe, we’re gonna need some of these come Saturday.

5. The Righteous And Adhesive Gloves of Muscat

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Tucked away in a treacherous cave high in the rugged coastal mountains of the Arabian Peninsula, these magical garments enable the wearer to perform such feats as “catching” an object and “carrying said object without dropping it.”

4. Hadrian’s Ball

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Long believed to have been enshrined in a scaffold somewhere in the flinty Scottish foothills, this hide-and-bone spherical relic is said to impart the holder with the supernatural ability to move forward in increments even greater than 2.2 yards per carry.

3. The Renowned and Flawless Abacus of Tenkamenin

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Buried deep in a jungle fortress on the remote shores of Lake Volta, this ancient implement belonging to the legendary Ghanaian king is said to impart such other-worldly capabilities as “not breaking a huddle after a timeout with 12 players” or “determining the exact number of points in a deficit as it relates to scoring capability and time remaining.”

2. The Tibetan Tackling Beads of Manasarovar

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Entombed beneath the icy waters of this sacred plateau lake, these millennia-old religious artifacts are believed to rid attacking players of any hesitation to engage in bodily contact.

1. Offensive Rhythm

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To be frank, no one knows where to begin looking for this, despite ample evidence in the very near vicinity that it does exist in endless quantities.