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A Nihilist Aggie Football Fan’s College Football Viewing Guide for October 5th

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The Aggies don’t play, so nothing could possibly go wrong. Then again, maybe it could.

COLLEGE BASKETBALL: JAN 30 Arkansas at Texas A&M Photo by Ken Murray/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Saturday mornings. A time for hope and optimism, a slow and simmering buildup of excitement until the glorious marathon begins. And today’s a bonus! No Aggie Football to torment ourselves with. No, today we dig in and watch, secretly nursing our various ancillary hopes for this Aggie team, applying subconscious benchmarks as the day progresses. Welcome to bye week.

11 a.m.:

You start off with Purdue at Penn State simply because you lack the wherewithal to change the channel once GameDay has ended. After a quarter or so you can tolerate no more, so for the next three hours you wander the B1G wasteland, jumping from Iowa-Michigan to Maryland-Rutgers, maybe catching a glimpse of Wisconsin extracting Kent State’s toenails with a rusty pair of channel locks. It’s all a blur of bright sunlight and quiet stadiums, and you grow secretly enraged that these people get to enjoy crisp autumn weather while your home’s HVAC system limps through its seventh consecutive month of 90-degree heat. The fitful, addled nap that eventually envelops you provides little respite, and when you awaken with a start, they’re airing highlights of LSU’s disemboweling of Utah State and the apprehensions associated with what’s still to come in the next two months washes over you in a fresh new wave.

2:30 p.m.:

You attempt to balance Auburn-Florida with Texas-West Virginia, but by 3:15 you end up caring so little about Texas bludgeoning the Mountaineers that you curse and leave it on Tigers-Gators for the duration. You’ve pinned your feeble hopes on Auburn continuing the season undefeated in order to fractionally bolster your nearly-depleted confidence in Aggie Football, but alas, this is that week where Gus Malzahn’s immense array of football blessings turn to ashes in his mealy mouth. You watch helplessly as his lurching offense is devoured by Todd Grantham’s front seven and a scurrying and hapless Bo Nix heaves desperation passes into the waiting arms of the Florida secondary. As Florida salts away their trademark ugly victory before a raucous home crowd, you grasp at the one last straw of positivity and revel in the knowledge that at least Kyle Field’s WiFi is still superior to The Swamp’s. Chomp.

7:00 p.m.:

After attempting to watch Georgia and Tennessee, you decide that even your morbid curiosity has its bounds. You shuffle around and watch Michigan State-Ohio State for approximately 3 minutes, during which time the Buckeyes score two touchdowns to go up by 30 in the first half. You are briefly captivated by a very fun SMU team lighting into Tulsa until you realize the Mustangs are ranked higher than the Aggies and you flip the channel with disdain. You try to watch Cal-Oregon, but Brock Huard makes you want to give yourself a lobotomy with an iced tea spoon. You settle on Vandy-Ole Miss because at least the Texas A&M leadership didn’t fuck over their student and alumni base with a hire job that rewrote the chapter on good ole boy cronyism. Yet.

9:30 p.m.:

You’ve almost made it through the night. Layers of greasy food and watery beer have nearly satiated the hunger in your body, but your soul yearns for more. You decide to try out this #Pac12AfterDark you’ve heard so much about. Washington vs. Stanford sounds like a dynamite matchup. Ooops, you forgot that Stanford is playing like sentient coprolites this season. After you can take no more, you check the guide and see Boise State is playing at UNLV. “Good,” you tell yourself. “I wish to watch Boise State, but not on the blue turf because it enrages me without reason.” You turn the game on and are astonished that UNLV’s field is decorated as garishly as a ‘60s Vegas casino. “Is nothing sacred?” you ask yourself as you pour another five fingers of saddle varnish bourbon out of a plastic bottle and chase it with a handful of store-brand Cheetos. You try San Diego State-Colorado State for a while, but even a competitive football game can no longer hold your interest. The day has defeated you. You turn the volume down and flip to the Investigation Discovery channel to see if there have been any features about recruiting analysts stalking high schoolers yet. Disappointed, you turn to DoorDash to find your perfect evening meal while mulling over the fact that not only do we play Alabama next week, but they’ve just had a bye as well.