clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs UTSA

New, 51 comments

BOWL ELIGIBILITY WEEK. LET’S TAILGATE


Beat the Hell Ouuta t.u.SA

It is well documented that I am in the “play the damn game” camp. I guess to be more specific, I’m in the “when one is talking conference smack to a rival who is no longer played in a sport, the trash talk is meaningless because there’s an effective way to retain bragging rights in that the entire sport is set up on the basis of WINS AND LOSSES ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTER SO PLAY THE GAME YOU GARGANTUAN CRYBABIES” camp.

That being said, me flapping my gums on Twitter with regard to the subject is meaningless, therefore we shall beat the hell outta system school and it shall serve as my A&M-lacks-a-meaningful-rival nicotine patch for the year.

Or is this more like Rivalry Vaping? I think so because it’s pretty douchy to schedule a former rival’s system school who’s banner wins for the season include Incarnate Word. Almost as douchy as carrying around a 10 lb lightsaber vape filled with fruity flavors… as I do. I never said I wasn’t a douchebag, but at least I’m self-aware.

So , FUCK UTSA. That’s right, I said fuck ‘em. The Roadrunners have already beaten UTEP, and by the transitive property, beating the Roadrunners would give A&M scoreboard on two system schools, making the victory this weekend like beating t.u. twice. Making delusionary arguments is an aphrodisiac, so this is a warm-up for some solid “me time” later. My grandma loves these columns.

Furthermore, Baylor beat the Roadrunners in a fashion that would give Wile E. Coyote a reason to call his doctor after 4 hours. I have a feeling that the same will happen to the horns when the Baptists on the Brazos play them in a few weeks. Therefore, if A&M can beat UTSA by more than 49 points this week and the horns drop the game to Church Cubbies, we beat Texas this year. I’m wrong, but am I?

Sweeping Mississippi felt great, but potential transitive execution of your former rival? That’s priceless.

Aggies 72
Roadrunners 10


CAST OF CHARACTERS


#12THMEME

San Antonio has given the world a plethora of elite actors. Henry Thomas, Michelle Rodgriguez, Oliver North...the choices this week were daunting. Peter Weller was born in Wisconsin, but his dad's military career brought him to SA for his formative years, and he's a graduate of Alamo Heights High School, which is almost as noteworthy as being the original RoboCop.


WHAT TO WATCH FOR

TENS OF PEOPLE

The only proper metric to measure the superiority of a football program is attendance figures, and this week despite some... disagreement on the figures... it's no contest. Look for the Roadrunners to be overwhelmed by the nearly 60,000 people in the stands.

S-E-CURITY

The few of you who went to the MSU game probably noticed some new conference-mandated security measures. Ever eager to temporarily surrender their Second Amendment rights at the gates, Aggies will no doubt agree to further screening in the future. Eventually they will put your full body scan on the outdoor scoreboard so Miss Rev can watch the cellulite win.

REVEL E. HELDENFELS, IX

The class of college football in Texas is SMU and Baylor, exactly as everyone predicted. The next tier has Texas, Texas A&M, and TCU. Beyond that you have mayhem, but the important fact to note is this: UTSA lost to UNT by 42 points. There is no reason for A&M not to walk away with this game easily. Now please excuse me, I need to paint a big tunnel on the side of Kyle Field and then hide behind this crate of ACME dynamite.


ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

#8 GEORGIA VS. #6 FLORIDA

A lot of rough things went down in 2016, but in our darkest days remember that in the year of our Lord 2016 South Carolina hired Will Muschamp. That means that the SEC was not deprived of Big Dumb Will Muschamp Football while at the same time The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party could actually be interesting again.

It is important to both Georgians and Floridians that everyone knows they are not the same, and it is much more entertaining for the rest of us to entertain that delusion. Take a trip to Jacksonville, find the nearest TGI Fridays, order an Oreo Speedwagon, and take in the most troubling people watching that these great states have to offer.


ROI'd RAGE

In a desert of comfortable wins, a win that was never in doubt against even Mississippi State is the finest glacial spring water. Now you've got two options this weekend: you can string together 3 wins in a row and finally give the fans some semblance of happiness, or hooooooooo boy you could lose to a team that UNT beat and good luck with all that.


PLACE YOUR BETS


BEST CASE / BESTER CASE

BEST CASE

Full-throttle ass whipping. Starters pulled midway through the 2nd quarter with Mond's stat line looking like a list of Warren Buffet's bank accounts.

BESTER CASE

Upon receiving the FTAW, UTSA surrenders and becomes A&M San Antonio II: The Reckoning.