Saturday Morning Fun
Oh, hey. Didn’t see you there, sorry. Me? I’m just sitting here thinking about Saturday mornings. Remember Saturday mornings? I do. They were the absolute best growing up. Wake up, get some cereal (Frosted Flakes or GTFO), maybe a Pop Tart, glass of milk, and fire up those Saturday Morning Cartoons. Hell yeah. For me, no Saturday morning was complete without watching X-Men.
For all you complainers out there, here’s how you inject a little nostalgia into your veins to get amped up for your 11:00 AM kickoff against CLANGA. You are waking up for Adult Saturday Morning Entertainment! That’s right, Ags, you get to relive the magical days of your youth by waking up early and going from College Gameday Presented by Home Depot directly to kickoff.
Look, I know it’s hard to get good and drunk for an 11:00 AM game, but why sleep? If your only goal is to get shithoused and bitch, just stay up all night doing power hours until you’re hallucinating. There, now you’re definitely watching Saturday Morning Cartoons, they’re just figments of your imagination fueled by the harsh reality of a 36-hour bender and Aggie Football. Is that Braden Mann kicking a field goal or are you really seeing 1,000 snakes wearing an Aggie uniform? Probably the former, but if you don’t throw the TV out the window, odds are the demon spirit speaking directly to you through Mond’s audibles will inhabit your living room for the next 70 years. Feel me?
Don’t want to drink or stay up all night? Need a little pep in your step? I got ya. FIrst thing’s first: let’s make some potent coffee. Start by getting a pound of your favorite roast, coarsely ground. Dump that into a container and add 12 Bang Energy Drinks. Whatever flavor, doesn’t matter. Let steep overnight, then filter through cheesecloth to ensure all of those coffee grounds don’t get in the way of maximum chug. Pour over ice, and flavor with Adderall to taste.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Ahh, the soothing sounds of a crisp fall afternoon (morning). Birdcalls waft from the trees that are sighing gently in the breezes that bring just a nip of color to your cheek. The hum of a contented populace sharing stories and food and drink all around you. Perhaps a note or two of a classic nostalgic song will float into your ear once in a while. Close your eyes and breathe deeply and feel the autumn brisk in your lungs like nature's stimulant. Look, here comes an opposing fan. Wonder what sort of pleasing audio experiences they will stamp upon this very serene morn----
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
On Mississippi State's last outing the Bulldog pass rush did give everyone at least one glimpse of greatness. That's a pretty quick way to get the QB down and you can't argue with results, so it's reasonable to assume they've been working on their form all week. This Chuck knows a good rump and there's no denying that Kellen Mond is bringing the goods. Look for a flash of brilliance in an otherwise dull affair.
Last weekend the Aggies neutralized the threat of a running QB by committing to spying and forcing Ole Miss to throw. On Saturday Texas A&M faces a true freshman QB with great rushing stats and a penchant for bad reads. Look for the good guys to try and force the throw in the hopes that the bad guys force the throw.
Sometimes we look at the hard data and try to project future performance based on past results. No data is harder than this:
W - L - W - L - W - L - W
In 2019 the Aggies lose all even numbered games. Sorry folks, I don't make up the rules. The bad news is we are going to drop that season closer against LSU. The good news is that we're coming for ya', Georgia.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#9 AUBURN @ #2 LSU
After a few weeks in a row of noshing on the hardtack of college football we finally get back into SEC form. This ain't your grandaddy's LSU, because when you grandaddy was in college they were a .500 team but the dang kids listened to their coaches instead of their dang fortnites. LSU's high powered offense is now a feature and not a bug. They should be able to comfortably put even this above average Auburn team away, which means they won't. Tigers by 4.
WHAT I'M DRINKING THIS WEEK
The daunting 11am kickoff. Some run from it, some complain about it, and others welcome - nay, embrace - the opportunity that lies within. Tailgating that begins at sunrise? Check. The ability to play a game, put the result behind, and enjoy the rest of the days action? Check. A gastronomical opportunity to see what liquors pair best with breakfast burritos? Double check. (Spoiler: almost anything!)
It appears my father's college roommate's son's best friend has changed his [REDACTED] password so I am unable to see with specificity what that old ag is saying about the weather - however, it looks like it is going to be a beautiful fall morning, and I will be drinking an abundance of Bloody Marys. I prefer mine with medium spice, and a shitload of accoutrement: limes, worcestershire, pickled okra, olives, celery salt, tobasco, hell, maybe even some boiled shrimp to make Joe Moorhead feel at home before he's fired and returns to the northeast. As an added bonus, it's doubtful anyone from Starkville has heard of this particular drink, so they're less likely to stop by your tailgate and pilfer. Dress warm, embrace the early tailgate, and make sure that anyone that asks for blue cheese is removed from the premises immediately.
In every possible sense, that win over Ole Miss did not move the needle.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / BESTER CASE
A nice brunch spread. Something basic and hearty like a breakfast taco situation with a waffle option and a ton of coffee. Not the coffee I recommended above, though. Definitely don’t make that.