In Which Tara Tightend, The College Football Drag Queen, Reads the Aggies for Filth
Oh honey, where do I start?
Your offense shows up to as many games as my dad showed up to birthdays, your defense lets anyone take it to the house like a desperate boy on Grindr after 2 a.m., and you’re paying $7.5 million every year for a coach who hasn’t won a title since Miley started twerking. Not like that would matter to you, darling, seeing as the last time you won a championship, the forward pass was a trick play, the average offensive coordinator salary was $5 in war bonds, and the only “icy white” uniforms your players wore were Klan robes.
And who is that I see starting at quarterback? Why, it’s none other than Kellen Mond, aka Johnny Bland-ziel, the man who once heard “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” and now misses 80% of ones he does. It doesn’t help that his O-line protects him about as well as the pull-out method protected my mother’s uterus and that his receivers can’t hold onto a ball long enough to check themselves for testicular cancer.
Oh, but I won’t let your defense off so easy, darling; after all, middling SEC quarterbacks never do. But truly, what can be said about the Aggie defense that hasn’t already been said about Madonna? Sure, it's not awful and it still has its moments, but every mediocre performance is a painful reminder that the 90’s happened a long, long time ago.
Now, about Jimbo, honey. Let’s disregard for a moment that you hired a man whose name sounds like an As Seen on TV novelty item in a Ross bin next to generic brand socks and a DVD copy of Draft Day. Let's just talk about expectations, girl. See, I know you want to be the best and simply won't accept anything less, but surely you must wonder: Can we ever be good enough? Can we spend enough, plan enough and win enough to come out on top for once?
I won't say "no," but I'll say something much worse: "yes." Eventually, despite their best efforts to come up short, the Aggies will one day get that ugly-ass trophy and hoist it above their heads like newborn Simba for the world to see. That night, you'll smile and hug your wife and finally get to cry about one of the three things straight men get to cry about. And the next day, you'll find the nearest Longhorn in your office and give him at least a decade’s worth of shit. You'll be happy that week, and maybe the week after, and maybe even the week after that.
But one day, you’ll know. You'll leave your plain house and plain family in Plain Suburb, Texas, to go to your plain job in a plain office building. As you're sitting at your plain desk, you'll realize that you never wanted the Aggies to be great. Not really. You wanted them to be like you: always striving for greatness just out of reach. Once you've seen them get to the top, you'll still be squarely in the middle (if we’re being generous), constantly wrangling with your unachievable expectations for yourself.
All the jokes about 8-5 seasons and offensive woes are just cheap coverup to brush over the big zit that is your own mediocrity. After you've watched those 20-year-olds get what they've always wanted, you'll be left with the knowledge that your raggedy ass will never be able to do the same.
Thank God that won't actually happen. See you at Halo!
xoxo, Tara Tightend
Bye Week 9
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY Flash It Back, Ags
UNIFORM OF THE WEEK
BY Thanks and Gingham
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY Homewrecking Crew
BYE FISH BYE
This weekend marks the annual freshmen exodus from campus as they return home to their loved ones and an afternoon drive down University becomes a slightly less terrible idea.
Baby, bye fish bye.
TexAgs Prepares for Bama Meltdown Thread
One can expect record levels of Aggie optimism on the TexAgs Premium and Football forums over the course of the weekend. You may not feel the heat from the hottie thread this week, but Brandon Jones will surely be looking for ways to prepare the TexAgs office for an utterly uncalled for dumpster fire next Saturday night. When asked about the highly flammable wood accents that decorate the office, Jones demanded that everyone “get the wood off” as quickly as possible as a sign of respect for an injured fanbase.
The Eyes of Texas A&M Are Upon You
It’s not quite a bye week when the sips are playing, especially against one of several mediocre Big 12 opponents. Cheering even when our team is not on the field, the 12th Man will make itself known as the loudest fan base in the country – flocking to social media at every t.u. blunder. If you ask me, watching Longhorn football for three hours is the last thing I want to do… sounds like hell.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#7 Auburn @ #10 Florida
Strange occurrences abound when either of these two teams takes the field. This year’s edition of Florida Gators has been the Florida Man of football teams, trying their hardest to lose to Miami and then needing their backup QB to work a little 4th quarter comeback to top Kentucky in their two meaningful games this season (sorry Tennessee). Meanwhile, the richest third of the SEC’s tigers haven’t been a model of consistency either. Bo Nix has looked like the best passer in the country and the worst passer in the country, and that was just the Oregon game. Last week, Auburn dominated Miss State in every phase of the game, including oft-overlooked mascot protection. Which team will show up this Sunday? Wade into this Bermuda Triangle of a game if you dare, but be wary of hot seat Gus magic.
Super unranked Vandy @ Very unranked Ole Miss Why watch a prizefight on pay-per-view when you can watch the football equivalent of a 3 a.m. Waffle House parking lot brawl that you found on Worldstar Hiphop? Vandy managed to hang 38 on LSU, and Ole Miss just got physically annihilated by Bama. This night game — much like my Waffle house order — is going to be scattered, smothered, covered, and might eventually kill me.
BY Milidairy Walk
Jimbo Fisher, Texas A&M
It’s bye week for Jimbo, and he’s looking forward to having some time away from validating Kellen Mond and thinking about the upcoming Alabama game. Saturday night will feature Jimbo waking up in a cold sweat thinking about a cold, emotionless Nick Saban staring at him from across the field as Bama scores the winning TD. After calling Mike Elko at 3 AM to sing him “Soft Kitty,” Jimbo will doze into sweet dreams while snuggling with his Miss Rev stuffed animal, finally ready for the upcoming showdown.
Nick Saban, Alabama
Tuscaloosa’s pretty quiet this weekend, and Saban is excited to have a relaxing Saturday morning browsing his local Piggly Wiggly before he has to shoot another AFLAC commercial. Next to the Little Debbie snacks, fans will come and ask him about the upcoming matchup, to which Saban will reply “Who are we playing again?”
Tom Herman, Texas
After having a good cry with Matthew McConaughey on Thursday, Herman is ready to face the taunting “horns down” hand signs of the opposing team. He’s not sensitive –– he just has a lot of feelings, okay? The horns down is offensive because EVERYONE knows Texas is back, per the Big 12 referees.
Ed Orgeron, LSU
We can expect a lot more clarity in Orgeron’s post-Utah State conference thanks to the addition of subtitles to ESPN. Leaving the game on Saturday, Coach O will go home to his loving wife and three alligators and rewatch only the part of The Blind Side that features him.
Kevin Sumlin, Arizona
After having a less than stellar game against Hawaii, Sumlin’s seat had a small hot flash that gave him nightmares about his last year in College Station. If he doesn’t pull out a win against Colorado or even Arizona State this season, maybe Kliff Kingsbury could offer him an NFL gig, one fired coach to another?
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY Longboard of Regents
WHAT I'M DRINKING THIS WEEK
BY Crystal Matlab
Dearest closet alcoholics,
I know what you’re thinking: I can’t use tailgating to mask my insecurities and childhood-related issues with excessive drinking this weekend. Whether you are sipping from the comfort of your smelly curb couch or from the darty hosted by your old high school friends, we have just the drink for you to abuse:
Enjoy the dull taste of a Miller Lite ® that is made even less palatable by the cigarettes you have been ripping all day. It’s the perfect drink to help you unwind and come to terms with the fact that the virus known as Battered Aggie Syndrome is here and breaking your heart.
The cure? It’s in your hands. Take this bye week to lower your expectations and find peace knowing that only 1 out of the 130 Division I FBS teams gets to take the crown at the end of the season. And for the foreseeable future, that probably won’t be us. Be the solution and BTHO Alabama.
BY Downton Aggie
Outside of unwarranted targeting calls and 2012 Johnny Manziel highlights, few things are certain in Aggie football. Luckily, we can add unnecessarily close games with Arkansas to the list. Prodigal son Nick Starkel always did look better in maroon, even if it was just on the sideline. It seems Jimbo sure enjoys coaching in Cowboys Stadium, and if he keeps up this level of mediocrity, maybe Jerry Jones will be making a trip down to College Station sometime soon. Until then, we can expect to see Jimbo and his trusty gold Rolex patrolling Aggie sidelines for weeks to come.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BY MUGDOWN STAFF
BY Anime Sciences
BY Ring Chunks
You pull up at your buddy’s house, ready for a Saturday of grillin’ and chillin’. When you get there, your buddy’s already in the backyard charring up some sick hot dogs and burgers. His geriatric golden retriever begs for a morsel, but the pooch is on a heart-healthy diet, and you love him too much to give in. This is as American as it gets. You camp out, knock back some brewskis with your old friend, and eat your body weight in 100% American grass-fed beef. Without Aggie football this week, you can finally relax without being crushed by the weight of America’s team letting you down in the third quarter.
You pull up at your buddy’s house with your wife and kid, ready for a Saturday of grillin’ and chillin’. When you get there, your buddy’s already in the backyard charring up some sick vegan hot dogs and other healthy veggies. “Jeff,” you say, “you’ve changed. Since when did you decide to become one of those ancient-grain peddling sissies from Austin?” Jeff takes you aside and explains that since you confided in him about your dangerously high cholesterol, he decided to help you make healthier decisions because he cares about you and your family. Begrudgingly, you take a bite of your Tofurky dog. No, it doesn’t taste as good as 100% American grass-fed beef, but nothing compares to being able to see your kid grow up. A tear rolls down your cheek. You camp out on the back porch with your family and Jeff, knock back some health-conscious White Claws, and let your wife drive you home.