.500 and Go
How are you this Wednesday morning? Have you had your coffee yet? Did you take care of yourself today? Get some exercise? Didn’t have to be a crossfit WOD or anything crazy, but did you get out and move around? Good. You are special and deserve to be taken care of by yourself, because you are the only you that exists. I think that’s great.
Your health is important, so I’m here to recommend a perfect way to start your day and get revved up for the evening game on the SEC Network like a responsible Aggie.
Wake up when you’d like and get a nice stretch in. It’s the beginning of a long day, and you want to be sure you’re raring to go. Wash an unhealthy amount of amphetamines down with a pot of cold brew. Go for a jog! When you’re out on the trail, remember that most people aren’t like you and hardcore into health and fitness. They’ll likely think it’s odd that you’re up in the tree eating a squirrel raw while wearing overalls. Ignore them. You know it’s important to get some energy out before gametime.
After posting bond, it’s time to make yourself some breakfast. Sure, a well-balanced meal is important; but come on, it’s Saturday. Time to indulge! Shotgun 10 White Claws, devour that leftover pizza, and eat half of your pet’s food straight from the bowl to assert dominance. Nutrition is an important part of good mental health and a submissive pet is a happy pet.
Do a whippit, turn on your TV, and settle into game mode! High five your Manziel Fathead, put on your 12th Man Jersey, and be sure that your bobblehead Jimbo is pointed toward the screen so he can call the right plays. Did you remember your mouthguard? You don’t want to grind down your teeth to nubs again.
After the game, check your phone for embarrassing tweets or texts you may have sent during your blackout. Do not apologize. If your spouse has left you, that means they’re not redass and definitely don’t have the Aggie Spirit. You’re better off. Solitude is good for the soul, and now you can watch PAC-12 After Dark alone, as intended.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
It's a simple fact that you can't spell "Ole Miss" without "Matt Luke Photoshop Memes, LOL."
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
The Landsharks' bout with Missouri was a missed tackle debacle, and the Aggies have had some problems of their own. Look for slant routes to turn into 40 yards of open field for both teams. This will be the biggest Mississippi acreage grab since the Treaty of Madrid. Folks,,,
History will remember the hydrogen zepplin, the Edsel, and the dual-quarterback system in the same breath. Nevertheless, Ole Miss offensive coordinator and Michigan anathema Rich "Dick Rod" Rodriguez has it all figured out splitting drives and sometimes alternating snaps between John Plumlee and Matt Corral. Aggie fans are happy to assure him that splitting games between quarterbacks is a super good idea.
Be sure to check out the famous Grove tailgating scene, an experience not unlike the wedding celebration of Violet Crawley and Larry the Cable Guy. But before we get too hasty in mocking the behavior of our hosts, let's remember that we do some pretty weird shit sometimes too.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#9 FLORIDA @ SOUTH CAROLINA
Six SEC teams are in the top 25 and none of them are playing each other. Best bet is to see if South Carolina can repeat their Georgia magic against the Gators. If anyone knows how to make a ranked Florida team lose, it's Will Muschamp.
Or, if you're into snuff you could watch Bama vs. Tennessee.
WHAT I'M DRINKING THIS WEEK
This Saturday offers a bit of a conundrum. On one hand, our Ags don't seem to be very good this year, so massive quantities of alcohol may be in order. On the other hand, the opposing team appears to be coached by a friendly fraternity advisor who won a classic rock contest in Tupelo whereby he was gifted the opportunity to lead Ole Miss football for an indeterminate length of time. So perhaps a 6:30 Oxford kickoff begs restraint.
In the spirit of I-don't-really-give-a-shit that seems to have permeated our special teams, this week I'm drinking Whatever They Awkwardly Hand Me As I Wander In And Out Of Various Tents In The Grove Where I Pretend To Know People. Will that guy that looks like my cousin offer me a crappy light beer? Maybe a water to get me the hell away from his close friends and family? Does the couple that I swear I tailgated with last year have extra Pappy Van Winkle? Who knows! Choose your own adventure my friends, and never, ever take the friendly drinking confines of the SEC for granted.
Listen, Jamesbo. We hired you because we were tired of going 8-5. Sitting at .500 with our biggest win being a squeaker against the fatted pig ain't exactly gonna keep you in high cotton. Now you can call this season a rebuilding year if'n you want, but alls I know is you can put your boots in the oven but that don't make 'em biscuits.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / BESTER CASE
Win a division game on the road with no injuries.
Every Aggie point is generated by a lineman and the big-man renaissance begins.