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FUN WITH SENIOR BOWL MEASUREMENTS

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Why do we do this?

Burmese Women Shave Heads For Profit Amidst The Global Wig Industry Photo by Lauren DeCicca/Getty Images

Good morning, here is a reminder that this goofy sport we adore very often teeters over that line into the absurd: there is an entire twitter feed spitting out nothing but measurements of aspiring professional footballers.

Such as:

NFL Team Staff Member 1: wow this guy looks pretty good, I heard he was quite a playmaker at that college he went to

NFL Team Staff Member 2: KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE, STEVE. Did you not SEE those tiny, miniscule hands? The dictum from head office is clear: NO defensive linemen with sub-nine-inch hands!!!

Staff Member 1: maybe we could watch some film anyway—

Staff Member 2: TINY GODDAMNED HANDS, STEVEN. Eyes on the prize, son.

From now on, I want to see Kickers’ hand sizes displayed on-screen anytime we’re discussing kicking stats. Do at least one thing right, ESPN.

[AGGIE INTERNET, UPON DISCOVERING ANOTHER COLLEGIATE TIGHT END IS BEING DISCUSSED]:

“STETSON!!?! WHO EVER HEARD OF A COWBOY HAT COMPANY PRODUCING A TIGHT END LOL, HOW DARE THEY NOT MENTION JACE STERNBERGER WHEN DISCUSSING TIGHT ENDS, WHEN TEAM DOCUMENTATION CLEARLY, I MEAN CLEARLY PROVES THAT JACE’S ARMS MEASURE 36 9/64”, A FULL 1/64” LONGER THAN THIS JOKER’S.”

No fractions. Clearly a forgery.

NFL Team Staff Member 3: “six-two with only 32 inch arms {GUFFAW} it’s astonishing this gangly creature can even bring those T-rex appendages close enough together to field a snap, my word”

INCOMPLETE: no hair measurements whatsoever.

“Dalton, huh? You know, for that Iine of work, I thought you’d be bigger.”

These numbers have “Fullback” written all over them.

Notice they don’t show AGE here. Wake up, sheeple.