Good morning! Last night, Clemson’s national championship football team visited the White House, where they were treated to a spread of Great American Food:
Clemson team steps up to chow down at WH fast food buffet. pic.twitter.com/HgIsKqVHDy— Mark Knoller (@markknoller) January 14, 2019
[Actually looks pretty good for those of us still stuck hard on resolutions this year]
So if the winners of the College Football Playoffs, a team that went 15-0 last year, is getting Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Burger King, and pizza...what about the other teams that won bowl games?
Cure Bowl Champions Tulane:
1⁄2 po’boy per player; made of Captain’s Wafers crackers and mayonnaise.
New Mexico Champions Utah State:
One tablespoon of fried gizzards per player from Los Pollos Hermanos.
Las Vegas Bowl Champions Fresno State:
Six Andes mints each.
Camellia Bowl Champions Georgia Southern:
Store-brand bottled water.
New Orleans Bowl Champions Appalachian State:
A shrimp. Team must decide how to cook it on their own.
Boca Raton Bowl Champions UAB:
A crate of clearance grapefruits that Publix was about to throw away.
Frisco Bowl Champions Ohio:
A tub of Crisco and a loaf of Wonder Bread.
Gasparilla Bowl Champions Marshall:
One can frozen orange juice concentrate per position group.
Bahamas Bowl Champions Florida International:
Freshly-harvested conch (shells only).
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl Champions BYU:
One box of instant mashed potatoes (original flavor only).
Birmingham Bowl Champions Wake Forest:
One cup of brown gravy made from a packet.
Armed Forces Bowl Champions Army:
Half rations for a week.
Dollar General Bowl Champions Troy:
One 2-lb package of assorted Jolly Ranchers (it’s over by the Spiderman pinatas).
Hawaii Bowl Champions Louisiana Tech:
Six cans of SPAM served without utensils of any kind.
Quick Lane Bowl Champions Minnesota:
One package frozen Lutefisk.
Cheez-It Bowl Champions TCU:
No one associated with this legendary game deserves any sort of reward beyond the honor of having played in it.
Independence Bowl Champions Duke:
Two dozen room-temperature oysters served on a plastic cafeteria tray.
Pinstripe Bowl Champions Wisconsin:
1/2 cup Subway Seafood Salad per player, served on limp iceberg lettuce.
Texas Bowl Champions Baylor:
Music City Bowl Champions Auburn:
“Hot” “Chicken”, i.e., one Tyson frozen nugget with one drop of Tobasco per person.
Camping World Bowl Champions Syracuse:
One can of Vienna Sausages per position group, plus one package of marshmallows and a coathanger to roast in the exhaust of the Carrier Dome heating system.
Alamo Bowl Champions Washington State:
One store-bought tortilla per player.
Peach Bowl Champions Florida:
One can of cling peaches per position group.
Belk Bowl Champions Virginia:
Arizona Bowl Champions Nevada:
A gas station chimichanga per player.
Military Bowl Champion Cincinnatti:
Ramen noodles with ketchup and beans on it. I believe they call this “chili” there.
Sun Bowl Champions Stanford:
One box of Old El Paso taco shells (regular size).
Redbox Bowl Champions Oregon:
Store-brand microwave popcorn (one packet per position group).
Liberty Bowl Champions Oklahoma State:
One frozen riblet per player.
Holiday Bowl Champions Northwestern:
One can of tuna (in water) per position group.
Gator Bowl Champions Texas A&M:
Free help with their taxes. Thank you potential sponsor TaxSlayer.
Outback Bowl Champions Iowa:
One onion per player (bloomin’ not included).
Citrus Bowl Champions Kentucky:
One bottle per person of Gatorade Citrus Cooler, the overlooked flavor.
Fiesta Bowl Champions LSU:
Sixteen bags of assorted Tostitos, about three weeks past the sell-by date.
Rose Bowl Champions Ohio State:
Discarded bits from the fryers at In-N-Out Burger.
Sugar Bowl Champions Texas:
The good news: you’re going to Popeye’s! The bad news? Your access will be restricted to the condiment bar.
Orange Bowl Champions Alabama:
The bitter shards of disappointment washed down by the voluminous, anger-charged tears of the Gump legions.