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What Are We Feeding The Rest Of Our Bowl Champions?

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Clemson got the royal treatment, but there are 30+ other schools who won their bowls.

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President Trump Hosts College Football Champion Clemson Tigers At White House Photo by Chris Kleponis-Pool/Getty Images

Good morning! Last night, Clemson’s national championship football team visited the White House, where they were treated to a spread of Great American Food:

[Actually looks pretty good for those of us still stuck hard on resolutions this year]

So if the winners of the College Football Playoffs, a team that went 15-0 last year, is getting Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Burger King, and pizza...what about the other teams that won bowl games?

Cure Bowl Champions Tulane:

12 po’boy per player; made of Captain’s Wafers crackers and mayonnaise.

New Mexico Champions Utah State:

One tablespoon of fried gizzards per player from Los Pollos Hermanos.

Las Vegas Bowl Champions Fresno State:

Six Andes mints each.

Camellia Bowl Champions Georgia Southern:

Store-brand bottled water.

New Orleans Bowl Champions Appalachian State:

A shrimp. Team must decide how to cook it on their own.

Boca Raton Bowl Champions UAB:

A crate of clearance grapefruits that Publix was about to throw away.

Frisco Bowl Champions Ohio:

A tub of Crisco and a loaf of Wonder Bread.

Gasparilla Bowl Champions Marshall:

One can frozen orange juice concentrate per position group.

Bahamas Bowl Champions Florida International:

Freshly-harvested conch (shells only).

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl Champions BYU:

One box of instant mashed potatoes (original flavor only).

Birmingham Bowl Champions Wake Forest:

One cup of brown gravy made from a packet.

Armed Forces Bowl Champions Army:

Half rations for a week.

Dollar General Bowl Champions Troy:

One 2-lb package of assorted Jolly Ranchers (it’s over by the Spiderman pinatas).

Hawaii Bowl Champions Louisiana Tech:

Six cans of SPAM served without utensils of any kind.

Quick Lane Bowl Champions Minnesota:

One package frozen Lutefisk.

Cheez-It Bowl Champions TCU:

No one associated with this legendary game deserves any sort of reward beyond the honor of having played in it.

Independence Bowl Champions Duke:

Two dozen room-temperature oysters served on a plastic cafeteria tray.

Pinstripe Bowl Champions Wisconsin:

1/2 cup Subway Seafood Salad per player, served on limp iceberg lettuce.

Texas Bowl Champions Baylor:


Music City Bowl Champions Auburn:

“Hot” “Chicken”, i.e., one Tyson frozen nugget with one drop of Tobasco per person.

Camping World Bowl Champions Syracuse:

One can of Vienna Sausages per position group, plus one package of marshmallows and a coathanger to roast in the exhaust of the Carrier Dome heating system.

Alamo Bowl Champions Washington State:

One store-bought tortilla per player.

Peach Bowl Champions Florida:

One can of cling peaches per position group.

Belk Bowl Champions Virginia:

One box of Jerky Seasoning from Belk.

Arizona Bowl Champions Nevada:

A gas station chimichanga per player.

Military Bowl Champion Cincinnatti:

Ramen noodles with ketchup and beans on it. I believe they call this “chili” there.

Sun Bowl Champions Stanford:

One box of Old El Paso taco shells (regular size).

Redbox Bowl Champions Oregon:

Store-brand microwave popcorn (one packet per position group).

Liberty Bowl Champions Oklahoma State:

One frozen riblet per player.

Holiday Bowl Champions Northwestern:

One can of tuna (in water) per position group.

Gator Bowl Champions Texas A&M:

Free help with their taxes. Thank you potential sponsor TaxSlayer.

Outback Bowl Champions Iowa:

One onion per player (bloomin’ not included).

Citrus Bowl Champions Kentucky:

One bottle per person of Gatorade Citrus Cooler, the overlooked flavor.

Fiesta Bowl Champions LSU:

Sixteen bags of assorted Tostitos, about three weeks past the sell-by date.

Rose Bowl Champions Ohio State:

Discarded bits from the fryers at In-N-Out Burger.

Sugar Bowl Champions Texas:

The good news: you’re going to Popeye’s! The bad news? Your access will be restricted to the condiment bar.

Orange Bowl Champions Alabama:

The bitter shards of disappointment washed down by the voluminous, anger-charged tears of the Gump legions.