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BOWL PREVIEWS: Happy New Year

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Just consuming everything today

Outback Bowl - Auburn v Wisconsin

Outback Bowl

by Rush

Iowa vs. Mississippi State | 11 a.m. | ESPN2

Never has a bowl sponsor stood to make the dreams of both fanbases come true at the same time.

Starkville residents have to load up the F-150 and drive over an hour to the nearest Outback in Tupelo. Meanwhile, the location in Iowa City closed, leaving Hawkeye fans the half-hour trek to Cedar Rapids for the nearest “No Rules, Just Right” dining experience. Imagine living in one of these culturally isolated hamlets, then learning that your team is playing in a bowl sponsored by Outback. You immediately book your tickets. Then you start doing some looking around. “What kind of restaurants are close by?” Then you realize.

You’ve booked a ticket to Heaven. All those cheese fries (sorry, “CHAYZE FROIZ”), Bloomin’ Onions, Aussie Steak Tacos, and the whole lot of it that dances enticingly in your daydreams...it’s all laid out in rampant profusion in sunny and beautiful Tampa. You’d be unlikely to be able to drive ten minutes in any direction and not stumble across this culinary oasis. While one of these schools will inevitably walk off the field without the victory, there are no losers this New Year’s Day, Everyone has had their fill of Australian-themed B-grade chain steaks.

Citrus Bowl

by Chuck

Penn State vs. Kentucky | Tuesday, January 1st | 12 p.m. | abc

In honor of the title sponsor of the Citrus Bowl, let’s take a look at what properties are still available on VRBO for you to stay at in Orlando tonight after the game.

One of your classic VRBO moves is to sell the property based on the greater metropolitan area nearby. In this case the owner has chosen to present the town of Orlando as looking like the cover of an 80’s sci-fi romance direct-to-VHS movie. We all love a beautiful sunset, but if the sky actually looks like this during your stay you have 15 seconds to get to the shelter in the basement. Hopefully you can come to a shaky agreement with the alligators already living there.

Nothing is more Florida than the in-room jacuzzi. What better way to celebrate your team’s victory or mitigate another crushing defeat than to marinade in the warm juices of several dozen previous guests’ genital stew? It is impossible to sit in this thing for 5 minutes with another person in the room without one or both of you feeling like a sex offender. And please mind the plastic Roman column - it is in fact load bearing and dying in a jacuzzi while being crushed to death by the jacuzzi above won’t even rate a mention in a Florida newspaper.

One star? I mean yeah, most people aren’t looking to spend the night on a waterbed in an Ikea sex dungeon, but one star? That review seems pretty harsh, I mean it’s not like it’s rat infested or filled wit-

Ah.

Fiesta Bowl

by Rush

LSU vs. UCF | 12:00 | ESPN

There’s a tendency to look down on UCF here: they’re without their star QB, they’re desperately clinging to that 25-game win streak, and also they’re not playing Auburn this year in a bowl. However, LSU is nowhere close to full strength. They’re missing approximately 36 defensive linemen for this game, so the following players will be forced into the rotation:

  • Zebulon Michileux, walk-on deep snapper
  • Claude-Paul Claude, true freshman tight end
  • Horace Lontavius, a 31 year-old assistant strength coach with one year of eligibility left
  • Maurice, one of Coach O’s fierce pet raccoons wearing this super-cute little helmet getup

Meanwhile, UCF’s superpower remains their offensively insufferable fans, so look for chants of OVER-RATED out in the desert the moment LSU strings together consecutive 3-and-outs. Those poor bastards don’t realize that’s a net positive start for the Tiger offense.

Rose Bowl

by Shooter

Washington vs Ohio State | 4:00 pm | ESPN

Listen gang I’ve got a slight touch of a hangover this morning, and it’s been raining on and off for weeks now. There’s not a lot of sunshine this time of year, and it’s just wet and cold most days. At 4:00 this afternoon I get to transport my mind to Southern California and the Rose Bowl. It’s special. Bright sunshine over the mountains of Pasadena, a beautiful layer of LA smog giving us that movie magic look of Hollywood. Maybe it’s because by that time I’ll be half-tipsy again, nostalgic, and a little too sentimental about another season of this insane sport coming to a near close, but the Rose Bowl puts a smile on my face. I hope all of you GBH readers have a wonderful New Year and an outstanding 2019. Love y’all.

Sugar Bowl

by Clubber Lang and Shooter Flatch

Texas vs. Georgia | 7:45 p.m. | ESPN

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I’m not really a “conference cheerleader” type fan. Honestly, I’d love to see teams like Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Auburn, LSU, Florida all turn to shittier programs. I’m never gonna rah-rah when our conference competition does well. I’m not going to be rooting for Georgia because it will be some sort of statement of superiority of the SEC over the Big 12. I’m going to be pulling for Georgia, because FUCK TEXAS! Fuck their arrogance, fuck their hubris, and fuck their entitlement attitude. A Texas loss to any team is fun. A&M just wrapped up a really fun season and there is legitimate reason for optimism for this program moving forward. Tonight, don’t cheer for Georgia because of the SEC. Pull for them because deep down, we all hate Texas.