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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M at Bama

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We can win this game. It’s not like we’re playing LSU. LET’S TAILGATE (respectfully)


THE TIDE WILL TURN

Alabama is number one. This isn’t up for discussion. They’ve been number one for what seems like forever, they’re still number one, and the Aggies have to go to their house to play them. They have a coach who, for lack of a better explanation, seems to have sold his soul to the football devil to soar to heights never seen, gets the most talented players, somehow coaches them up to be better than expected, and wins constantly. This man subbed in a freshman at halftime of the National Championship game and WON.

I don’t care.

More importantly: this team doesn’t care, either. Guaranteed that Jimbo doesn’t give one rabbit-pellet shit about it. I may very well eat a severe amount of crow here and end up on Old Takes Exposed, but the spread this weekend is absurd and can go straight to hell.

This team is starting to believe. Listen to their interviews. Watch them play. They want to fight and get better, and they’re not about to lay down for Alabama. Sure, reference the Ole Miss score from this weekend, that was an absolute ass whipping by Alabama, but they didn’t play a Jimbo Fisher coached Aggie squad. *huffs paint* Ok, let's do this.

THE RETURN OF THE ABSURD GAME PREDICTION FOR ONE WEEK ONLY

Jimbo Fisher wakes up in his Tuscaloosa hotel room due to the fact that his Sleep Cigar™ cherry has reached “wake up” distance from his mouth. After extinguishing the Sleep Cigar™ on his chest, he lights a Morning Stogie™, makes a breakfast shake (Jim Beam, unflavored protein powder, 10 raw eggs, and grass clippings), and sits down at the hotel table to pen a note to his former mentor.

Nick,

Been a minute, huh? Listen, I wanna make this quick because we go way back, but don’t be mad after this one is over. I learned a lot from you, and I have these guys believing in the process. Just, it turns out that the next step in the process is whipping your ass.

I know you’re reading this after the game but look up real fast, Mond just threw another touchdown pass.

Haha, idiot. The game’s over. Drinks on me next year?

Best,

JF


Jimbo throws the letter in the trash, Aggies are too classy for that kind of nonsense.

Aggies - 45
Tide - 38


CAST OF CHARACTERS

The offense will definitely need a second spark behind Kellen Mond, and in many respects, #5 can provide it. We'll need plenty of touches and production to keep pace in this one if the football gods deem it appropriate. Respectfully.

With all due respect to the other positions on the beautiful field at Bryant-Denny Stadium, tackle is going to be one of the key positions in this game. Had a couple of penalties last week, so hopefully Saturday Moore will have less trouble.

I say this with the utmost respect towards The Tide, but big games like this were made for Donovan. We finally saw that old spark last week with a big blitz and sack. If we're going to stand a chance in T-Town, #6 will need to create some havoc.

Win a championship in your first game of significant and meaningful action as a true freshman? And this year he's definitely proving it was not a fluke Nothing but earnest and sincere respect for that.

This gentleman already has six receiving touchdowns on the season. That's over 50% of his catches. If you do not respect this elite level of productivity, then you are beyond all hope.

Nick Saban's latest DEFENSEBOT leads the team in tackles and interceptions, and has a couple tackles for loss for good measure. We will all respect his space, Kellen Mond most of all (hopefully).


MILLERTIME

Well Howdy, gang. We've seen this movie before, huh? Ranked and all full of cute confidence heading into a lion's den, if lion's dens were chock full of boiling magma, poisonous flies, lethal booby traps, and weaponized, immortal genetically-modified lions in addition to the regular lions. But enough about the AL.com comments sections, babe. I don't want to run down our offensive line, but trying to block Alabama's front four is like throwing pillows at the Easter Island statues with the hope of knocking them down. But I don't want to get off on a rant here, I really don't. We're gonna mix it up a bit this week in the spirit of #RespectingTheTide.

TOP TEN WAYS TO SCORE TOUCHDOWNS AGAINST ALABAMA, IN ORDER OF #RESPECTFULNESS

10) TD pass from 75 yards on the first play of the game where the player appeared to have stepped out of bounds, warranting a video review. Look what happened to Ole Miss, ladies and gents.
9) Any special teams score: against your own former special teams coach? That's textbook Disrespect, gang. Just shoving Saban's face in a toxic barrel of Disrespect here.
8) Any defensive score. Just barely a shred of fiber clinging to this decrepit shell of respectfulness like tattered rancid meat on a roadkill skeleton, mmkay?
7) TD pass from 30+ yards: Someone call the Federales and the Border Guards, you've crossed the frontier into Disrespect Land now.
6) TD run from 11+ yards. Borderline Disrespectful. At least it's not a pass, amirite?
5) TD pass from inside the 30. Clinging to average respectfulness. I mean just barely respectful, and not worthy of capitalizing the "R," folks.
4) TD pass to tight end from inside the 10. Just plain Respectful right here, folks. The baked potato-level dependency of Respectfulness.
3) bootleg pass/run from the red zone. Classic. Pro-style. Predictable. Plenty Respectful. Name this TD Joe Respect, give him a crimson pom-pom and dress him head to toe in houndstooth, pal.
2) rushing TD from inside the 10. Just hard workin' football. Respectfulness Level: enough to get you under the velvet crimson rope at Club Brian Dennehy Stadium, babe.
1) 1-yard TD run: The Pinnacle of Respectfulness. Bonus points if it's a walk-on fullback. If Respect for Bama were chicken finger joints, this TD would be College Station, OK?
0) BONUS: While enjoying a refreshing Topo Chico. jimmygards has it all figured out.


WHAT TO WATCH FOR

THE LORD AIN'T PLAYED NOBODY

You know who don't respect the Tide, y'all? Everyone. All them folks what ranked Bama preseason #1 was just hedgin'. Heck, folks all cross this'n country of our'n ain't givin' the Tide their due. If'n you know what's good for ya you'll lay cash on the barrel head them boys in crimson gonna cover ain't no team south of heaven gonna come within 18 points heck you give the heavenly host the points CUZ JESUS AIN'T GOT TUA ROLL DAMN TIDE!

15 FOR MEAT

Jimbo Fisher made something of a misstep this week, informing a room full of fans of a university that has a meat school that he would go vegan for a year if it meant the Aggies would beat Bama. Yes, the Aggies do crave winning, but watching their pale, sickly looking coach eat homemade kale chips and drink lemongrass smoothies is a bridge too far. It's nauseating to think of our coach eating a smaller than average but not tiny mushroom, like a toadstool.

"quack... quack... quack..."

It's been a year since Bama escaped Kyle Field with a W and Nick Saban gave his infamous "rat poison" speech, a sports moment that is simultaneously less funny and yet funnier still once it came to light that he gives that speech all the damn time. Yes, it's just an arrow in his quiver of motivational monologues, right next to "you don't play for just anyone you play for the Crimson Tide", and "I've won a lot of championships but this team is really unique and special and no of course I'm not just saying that".


ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

#14 MISSISSIPPI STATE @ KENTUCKY

This sneaky good game features two teams whose fans are on top of the world and poised perfectly for toppling. With the Bulldogs' biggest win coming over an unusually pedestrian Kansas State team, and Kentucky besting a Dan Mullen Gator squad, one could argue this is the first test for either team. The Dawgs should walk away with this one easily, which is why it will be hilarious when they don't.

FLORIDA @ TENNESSEE

On the other end of the FMI spectrum is this gala of disappointment. Of course, Florida is relatively new to garbage seasons while Tennessee has been appointed to the tourism board. Both sides of the ball will feature very stoppable forces meeting easily moved objects in a game of 'who wants this less?' The only thing crazier than how low this game has fallen is the fact that were it not for Georgia one of these teams would probably win the SEC East.


HOTREELZ


ROI'd RAGE

Perfunctory. Good enough I guess. Fine.

Those are words that people feel about pasting a 4-8 Sun Belt team 48-10. The Aggies have gone to great lengths to make it clear that expectations are high, and they are putting their money where their yell hole is. Gone are the days when a 5 touchdown victory over anyone is satisfactory. Welcome to the Jimbo Era, Jimbo. Your next check is post-dated.


PLACE YOUR BETS


BEST CASE / BESTER CASE

BEST CASE

The Aggies beat the number one team in the nation at their house. Again. I wake up on Wednesday with a terrible hangover because I feel like you'd get a hangover after a coma.

BESTER CASE

The Ags win by 21. All debts are forgiven everywhere. A&M decides to revenue share with all fans. All drugs become legal and are no longer addictive nor deadly. Santa is real, and gives us all mansions. Taxes don't apply to Santa gifts.