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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs ULM

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The deep breath between #2 and #1. More like SNOREhawks. LET’S TAILGATE


KEEPING IT HYPE FOR THE SUN BELT

Since we shot our proverbial wad last week with the biggest game on the CFB slate (Gards for President), I think it’s important that we don’t lose our drive as fans. The team won’t. They’re angry about the loss. While most of us fans have been stuck in the “Shucks, I’m just glad they had some fight in them and hung with Clemson” mentality all week (pissed off Ags, lemme hear from you in the comments), I guarantee you that this team is angry and about to take it out on ULaMo’s Sun Belt asses on Saturday.

So, between primetime games against the top two teams in the land, let me offer some suggestions on how you, the fan, can stay hype for a 6:30 game against what most would call a lesser foe. *takes big pull from whiskey bottle, wipes chin* Remember Arkansas State? Just when you think you’re too big for your britches, some hungry team with a chip on their shoulder looking to play spoiler can come into Kyle Field and beat your team. I was there, it wasn’t pretty, and Kyle was lackadaisical.

Step 1: Wake Up and Give Yourself a Papercut. Nothing will give you more of a screaming redass than sliding a sheet of index paper across the webbings of your fingers the morning of the game. The best part about this, is that the pain will be there all day as you tailgate. Eventually some of that greasy, salty food will work its way onto your hands, reigniting your nerve endings into a frenzy, and your need to yell. It’s flawless!

Step 2: Get Responsibly Buzzed. Here at Good Bull Hunting, we don’t recommend any amount of alcohol that will land you on the @TAMUPD Twitter feed or being carried out of Northgate in a Fireball induced coma. Just catch yourself a nice buzz and remember that THE DAMN BALL WAS OUTSIDE THE PYLON, YOU BLIND BASTARD!

Step 3: Meth*. Few people are willing to discuss the positive side effects of amphetamines. They provide laser-like focus (read: adderall), you’ll metabolize anything in seconds, and your soul will become filled with the desire to scream at anything for no reason at all. This is a perfect combination for putting your phone away and becoming completely enveloped in a football game you might choose to stop watching at halftime.

So there you have it, my foolproof three-step plan for keeping you, the fan, ultra redass and in the stands for what should be a blowout game.

Aggies - 65
Warhawks - 10


*Good Bull Hunting does not endorse meth.


CAST OF CHARACTERS

Wait wait wait, hold on. We're just now getting used to the concept of a "tight end" and now you're telling us we have two good ones? [/fans self dramatically]

The Louisiana native will need to blanket an All-American wideout while helping to contain a mobile QB if he gets loose. Also, an interception returned for a touchdown would be nice while we're making a wish list.

How about the big man's performance against Clemson? #52 has the Aggie defense's only sack on the year. Hopefully his teammates won't stand for a 300-pounder being the only player to get to the QB in 2018 for very long.

Accounts for over a third of their receiving yardage and all of their receiving TDs on the season. Second-team All-American in 2017, only the second in ULM history. Great chance for our DBs (Donovan excluded) to practice that "wrapping up" thing.

Has three sacks on the season, a forced fumble and a fumble recovery for a touchdown against Southern Miss. The Warhawk defense is opportunistic, folks. He's from Texas, so he has to be good at defense. I believe that's how it works.

Efficient quarterback and team's second-leading rusher. His older brother is former Virginia Tech QB Jerod Evans. Caleb's last two road starts against P5 schools were at Florida State and Auburn. Time to show him what a real hostile environment sounds like, right?


MILLERTIME

I don't want to go off on a rant here, but Saturday night's officiating crew had more missed calls than Hugh Freeze's burner phone during a First Baptist Church of Oxford morning service, babe. Maybe if we weren't so obsessed with the vagaries enshrouded around the targeting phenomenon, we'd get basic things like "field of play boundaries" correct. Christ, these guys' sense of plane geometry makes Picasso look like Euclid, folks. The only thing that could be more obviously out of bounds than that fumble by Quartney Davis is some blissfully ignorant college kid taking to Twitter to student-splain to bitter middle-aged adults the proper way to exhibit displeasure at a sporting event, mmm-kay? Look, I know officiating's a tough job and everything happens at light speed. But it's not all rocket science; you just have to ask yourself what's more embarrassing: admitting you made a mistake and taking the time to review it, or getting your ass lambasted for 30 seconds on national TV by a diminutive West Virginia firebrand?

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong. Good luck on Saturday, officials.


WHAT TO WATCH FOR

GEOGRAPHIC CONQUEST

General Fisher has established a stronghold in Northwestern State from which to advance his campaign. After stopping in Monroe this weekend for supplies, the Aggies march through Acadiana and hope to finally take Baton Rouge on Thanksgiving in the year of our lord two thousand and eighteen. From thence it is but a few weeks' journey to New Orleans and the Sugar Bowl.

Just remember, .

EPISODE 12

As recently as last year Aggies would expect to follow up a great game with an inexplicable letdown against an inferior team. The Clemson game taught us that this is not last year's Aggie squad, though, so who knows what is in store. History and BAS tell us to brace for a hit of bewildering incompetence, but fortunately Kellen Mond shows more poise on the field than the rest of us do on Twitter. A lot more.

A S S _ ISTANT COACH

As whoopy pointed out to us earlier this week, the Aggies are currently 3rd in the nation in yards per game despite having played against Clemson's vaunted defensive front. The Warhawks defense is ranked 102nd in yards allowed after playing Southern Miss and and FCS rando. Look for Darrell Dickey to try and set the Kyle Field high score (it only takes him four quarters).


ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

#12 LSU @ #7 AUBURN

This game is the inverse of A&M-Auburn in that the home team has won the last five years running. Why does Auburn do that? Why did LSU score more points against Miami than they did against Southeastern Louisiana? Who cares, just enjoy this perfect SEC Game of the Week fare. Take one shot of Tabasco and rubbing alcohol for every field goal attempt until you get a hankerin' for a bologna po' boy.


HOTREELZ


ROI'd RAGE

The meter had a huge jump from a loss? The meter had a huge jump from a loss. Time to do some Good Hunting because it's a bull market on Jimbo Fisher. If you watched the loss to Clemson and didn't feel a wave of palpable improvement in skill and attitude from the Aggie football team then maybe you're just Garbage. After what is hopefully another perfunctory performance this week Fisher will face his toughest opponent yet: expectations. Good luck, coach.


PLACE YOUR BETS


BEST CASE / BESTER CASE

BEST CASE

Davis scored 10 touchdowns diving at the pylon because that's what would be fair if the universe gave a shit about effort. Dude played his ass off last week. Kellen Mond perfects his Jedi presence in the pocket, appears to not move during every pass. Keke goes off, does love me. Jimbo takes pulls from an Everclear bottle in the 4th quarter, subs himself in at safety.

BESTER CASE

I discover that cheeseburgers are the ultimate weight loss superfood right before all of the above happens.