Better late than never, folks. Let’s roll through some highlights on the serious news front.

NET NEUTRALITY

[SETTING: a drab, modernistic corporate boardroom, somewhere deep in the bowels of a mythical ESPN bunker complex]

PROGRAMMING DIRECTOR: Wonderful work, gang! We’ve now got a terrific game lined up for two years running, featuring a pair of the most storied programs of the last several decades. Now...how can we “kick it up a notch?” [cackles healthily at his own Emeril Lagasse reference]

JUNIOR ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE KEVIN (hesitantly raises hand): We...we move these games from two of the most iconic stadiums in all of college football and instead play them at bland, corporatized public monolith stadiums nearer to urban centers in order to maximize brand visibility?

PD: Brilliant! This is exactly the type of inside-the-box bottom line thinking that college football needs more of. Well done, Kevinito!

JAEK: [gloats] [types up cocky press release] (mutters under breath) “fuck off, Chet Norsworth”

(millions of college football fans cringe in disappointment)

((Except for UCF fans, who recline with a maniacal grin in their subterranean Bond villain mancaves, knowing they are one step closer to complete domination of the college football landscape))

~~~~~

FIN

THE JIMBOWIRE

Lots of headlines popping up about the new sheriff in town.

LOL JIMBO PWNS TEXAS IN CROOTING. Please also ignore that 80% of Aggies were absolutely trashing Longhorns who said the same thing about Tom Herman’s “dominance” and “recruiting prowess” before he ever coached a game in Austin.

Gonna go ahead and jump on Chuck’s bandwagon here and admit that although I believe Jimbo can (and likely will) do great things, I’m going to hold off on erecting a statue until he’s actually fielded some football teams. Please feel free to @ me, I enjoy gallows humour.

BUT THIS MUCH IS TRUE: He’s gotta start winning those Kyle Field SEC games. Do that, and you buy yourself a lot of breathing room. Thanks for talking us right up to the edge, Shooter. Keeps us sharp.

WAAAAAAAAAY TOO EARLY, WHO CARES

CBS Sports has released their first bowl predictions, so hold on to your seats. They’ve got the Ags playing Michigan on New Year’s Eve in the Gator Bowl. Jacksonville is just two short hours from scenic Orlando! Pretty good! But hang on...they’ve also got Texas playing Georgia in the Sugar Bowl. That’s crazy! Take it all with a huge block of salt, because it’s currently August 9th and we’ve already all lost our damn minds waiting for kickoff.