Texas A&M beat writer Brent Zwerneman published an article on Wednesday that included quotes from Texas A&M Aggies Athletic Director Scott Woodward about why the Aggies are not eager to schedule the Longhorns, despite recent overtures from Texas Longhorns AD Chris Del Conte.
As is usually the case, conversation around the scheduling (or lack thereof) of a renewed A&M/Texas rivalry spurred online discussion about one school “being scared” to schedule the other. And that debate, it seems, has extended to the athletic directors themselves. In this exclusive transcript obtained by Good Bull Hunting, Del Conte and Woodward sit down at a neutral site to has things out like gentlemen in a classic battle of “who is scared to schedule the other?” Their conversations is virtually inconceivable.
Chris Del Conte: So, it is down to you. And it is down to me.
[Scott Woodward nods and comes nearer]
CDC: If you wish the rivalry dead, by all means keep moving forward.
SW: Let me explain...
CDC: There’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to increase market share in a region I’ve rightfully owned for decades.
SW: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.
CDC: There will be no arrangement [pauses, deliberately] and you’re killing the schedule negotiations.
SW: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
CDC: I’m afraid so -- I can’t compete with you physically. And you’re no match for my brand.
SW: Your brand is that good?
CDC: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Apple, McDonalds, Amazon?
SW: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of “who is scared to schedule the other?”
CDC: For the bragging rights?
CDC: To the death?
CDC: I accept.
SW: Good. Then pour the Pepsi.
[Del Conte fills the goblets with Pepsi. SW pulls a small packet from his clothing and hands it to Del Conte]
SW: Inhale this, but do not touch.
CDC: I smell nothing.
SW: What you do not smell is called scaredy pants powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadlier social media accusations.
[Del Conte watches as Woodward takes the goblets, and pours in the powder. A moment later, he turns again, faces Del Conte, and rotates the goblets in a shell game maneuver, then puts one glass in front of Del Conte and the other in front of himself]
SW: All right: where is the scaredy pants? The battle of “who is scared to schedule the other?” has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is scared.
CDC: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of Athletic Director who would make an bad faith schedule offer, or refuse his enemy’s bad faith offer? Now, a clever Atheltic Director would make his own bad faith schedule offer, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for the bad faith offer he was given. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the Pepsi in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the Pepsi in front of me.
SW: You’ve made your scheduling decision then?
CDC: Not remotely. Because scaredy pants powder comes from Lubbock, as everyone knows. And Lubbock is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the Pepsi in front of you.
SW: Truly, you have a dizzying brand.
CDC: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
CDC: Yes -- Lubbock, and you must have suspected I would have known the scaredy pants powder’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the Pepsi in front of me.
SW: You’re just stalling now.
CDC: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve beaten Alabama that one time, which means you’re exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the scaredy pants in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the Pepsi in front of you. But, you’ve also played LSU and you must have studied that game film. And in studying, you must have learned that your team is mortal so you would have put the scaredy pants as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the Pepsi in front of me.
SW: You’re trying to trick me into making a bad faith schedule offer -- it won’t work.
CDC: It has worked -- you’ve given everything away -- I know where the scaredy pants is.
SW: Then make your bad faith schedule offer.
CDC: I will. And I choose…what in the world can that be? [points in the general direction of Norman]
SW: What? Where? I don’t see anything.
[Del Conte quickly switches the Pepsi goblets]
CDC: Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
SW: What’s so funny?
CDC: I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s drink -- me from my glass, and you from yours.
[As they both start to drink, Del Conte hesitates a moment. Allowing Woodward to drink first, he swallows his Pepsi]
SW: You scheduled wrong.
CDC: You only think I scheduled wrong ...that’s what’s so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. Ha-ha, POOR AGGY! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never get involved in a recruiting war at North Shore.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never go in against The Joneses when brand exposure is on the line!” Ahahahaha, ahahahaha, ahahaha—
[Del Conte’s team loses to Kansas]
Brent Zwerneman: Who are you?
SW: I am no one to be misquoted, that is all you ever need know.
[Woodward leads Zwerneman off the mountain path into untraveled terrain]
BZ: To think -- all that time it was your cup that had the scaredy pants.
SW: They both had the scaredy pants. I spent the last few years building up talking points to avoid looking like I was avoiding scheduling Texas.