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Matthew McConaughey Visits Texas Football

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91st Rose Bowl Game Photo by Donald Miralle/Getty Images

AUSTIN — The University of Texas football program welcomed alumnus and Professor Matthew McConaughey to practice this week to help the team prepare for the upcoming season.

The very wealthy program that has averaged six losses per year over the last eight seasons could use a little encouragement so they brought in America’s greatest pitchman. Good Bull Hunting had exclusive access to the entirety of the motivational sesh.

What follows are direct quotes from the man himself. It’s helpful for you to read the quotes aloud in your cubicle in your slowest, East-Texas-Piney-Woods-kinda-high drawwwl.

MM: Buenos dias kemosabes. Sure appreciate you guerrilla pupils inviting me into your abode. Your dom-i-cile. Your bones.

This blue pelota we call earth is just a fence post in the cosmos. I visit y’all today after a six week pilgrimage of cleansing in the Nepalese montañas [makes wavy motion with hands representing mountains]. It’s what my sherpa, Tej, - which means bright and ra-di-ant - would call a YA-tra [laughs mischievously to self].

Lemme key you cats in on a lil something Tej taught me - we are pack animals, k? The lone wolf might get the sweet nectar, but it will cost him his soul. You and me? The pack? Brother, we get to feast on cabrito and jam-ba-lay-a when the day is done because we sojourned forth together.

Know thyself, wolf pack. Mind. Body. Spirit. It’s a cycle.

[pauses for 25 seconds]

Say, moonface - fire me that orb.

[walk-on quarterback throws McConaughey a football]

This is it, caballeros. This Brazilian nut we call a foot-ball is the cycle. This cycle was once a pig. That pig did not know his des-tin-y was to be a ball. Coulda been a sausage in your breakfast taco. Coulda been a root vegetable. E-qui-nim-i-ty would have that little piggy be the football, gentlemen. What’s your cycle? What’s the shaman of your soul leading you toward?

Now check this out - I was recently in a [begins to whisper] potion shop. A voodoo lair. I inhaled the potions. Listened to them too. [winks at Tom Herman] The potion of life is where our True North must point. Checks and balances. A dab of that potion on your chakras enriches the pack. Feed the pack, hombres. Feed it.

Told y’all earlier it’s time for Texas Foot-ball to turn the page. Here’s the riddle though - the book is a scroll. It must be unwound [flutters hands like a bird]. How are you going to unwind your soul on the desolate road to tran-quil-i-ty and Lawr-ence Kan-sas, pardners?

Unwind.

Any questions?

MM: Yes, Sampson? Unwind thyself onto me.

Breckyn Hager: It’s Breckyn, sir.

MM: Onward, Brenda.

Breckyn: .... uh, ok... How do we prepare for Maryland?

MM: [looks pensively at the HVAC system for a moment] Heh heh the turtle. Much to be learned from a turtle. I lived among a nest of turtles after filming Sahara. Wise animals. Slow, but astute.

Listen here, Breckenridge. A turtle is a creature but it’s also a verb. And so are you. Are you going to dissect the turtle or are you going to win by surrender?

A turtle is a worthy adversary. It will lead you forth to the river of carnal truths.

Onward, kemosabes. In you I see a mirror reflecting another mirror. Let it cut to the bone.

Hook ‘em.