100% Accurate Texas A&M Football Practice Report

Good Monday morning. We’re all just trying to limp through the rest of this month by pretending to not pay all that much attention to practices or camps or workouts or drills or what have you. But let’s not delude ourselves: we crave Aggie Football. To wit:

Thank you first and foremost to the fine folks at the TexAgs Films. Beautiful work, fellas. Another tremendous product. Their exclusive position within the program’s media hierarchy enabled them to produce this magnificent 19-second clip of Aggies waiting in their seats for a practice to begin. Yes, we are talking “practice,” if you can believe the ancient memes, and this one was open to the public. A truly historic moment.

As you can see, hordes of Aggies descended upon Kyle Field to witness the majestic butterfly emerge from its chrysalis. We were not among them. We have, however, complied an extremely detailed and helpful practice report. In other words, it is exactly what you wish to hear.

The Offense.

Superb. Flawless. Clicking on every cylinder imaginable and even clicked on a couple that we didn’t even know we had. Every single snap from center to quarterback (yes, even the ones from “under center”...contain that excitement for now) were crisp, timely and accurate. The line did a tremendous job at both sticking to their assignments as well as adjusting to various looks and making reads. The wide receivers ran precise routes and were able to gain separation with amazing regularity, making a number of circus catches. The running backs picked up blocks when asked, and when carrying the ball they hit the hole at full speed, while also making dynamic cuts to elude tacklers and running over defenders at will. And the tights ends. Heavens, the tight ends. Never have such large beings moved so fluidly and with such grace. Slipping past defenders, settling down in holes left in the zone coverage, catching everything thrown within a 20 yard radius of them. And blocking? They pushed away large and angry defenders as if they were made of feathers. Overall offensive grade? A+

The Defense

Breathtaking. Spellbinding. Inspiring. We could go on, but no words could truly do justice. Let us begin in the trenches: the defensive tackles got low, they got powerful, and they absolutely controlled the point of attack, pushing away the interior of the offensive line as if they were balloons at a party in their quest for that quarterback pinata. And if a run play was designed to go between the tackles? Forget it. Bump it outside and let the defensive ends clean it up. Because not only were they pressuring the quarterback with brutal efficiency, forcing hurried and frenzied throws on nearly every single pass, but they were stopping the run like a brick wall, containing the flow of play and leaving the ball carriers with nowhere to go but down in the dirt. The linebackers were keying off this, flying in through the gaps left by the larger men up front and honing in on the football like birds of prey. They could be seen streaking from sideline to sideline and making ear-splitting, pad-popping tackles all practice long, when they weren’t dropping back into perfect coverage and disrupting passing lanes. Not that the secondary needed all that much help. They were being more physical than ever before, while still maintaining perfectly clean coverage techniques. Passes were being intercepted or deflected on nearly every passing play, and defensive backs were flying to help make tackles any time the ball crossed the line of scrimmage. The entire spectacle was beautifully choreographed chaos. Overall defensive grade: A++++++++++++++++^$%)@#%++++++++++++++++++++++++++++^%(#+.

And yes, all of these things happened simultaneously despite seeming contradictory. The aura of the paradoxical is what makes this sport so frustratingly endearing.

Let’s see...what else?

• No word on whether or not Fisher and company have picked up where the Sumlin regime left off in regards to designing alternate uniforms.
• They definitely didn’t say they were working on night glow piping for the Clemson game.
• They didn’t say definitively that they weren’t, either.
• Only traditional bluegrass country recorded before 1950 was played on the loudspeakers in accordance with the wishes of collective Aggie Facebook.
• Coach Tim Brewster introduced his all-fire-exclamation-point-emoji sideline play cards.
• An unnamed beat reporter was not quick or enthusiastic enough in his praise of Jimbo Fisher and was subsequently made to run a lap around the field.
• Nonetheless, Jimbo granted the media FULL ACCESS TO ALL PLAYERS for an unlimited amount of time. Finally, the beat reporters were able to ask all the burning questions that had been building up over the years, like “talk about the quarterback competition,” or, “what was it like when Coach Fisher made you realize that you had GRIT?”

In two weeks, we’ll be gearing up for an actual football game. Hopefully all this practice pays off.