Greetings, all. Next week is SEC MEDIA CRAZE and everyone’s quite eager to lose their shit over mindless soundbytes and robotic journo questions. So let’s not forget the things that truly matter, like which songs each coach should use as their walkup music as they take the stage. No, this does not really happen, but that does not mean that it shouldn’t.
Here they are, in the only order that truly matters (ranked by compensation):
Nick Saban, Alabama
A grainy montage of Bama highlights flickers on screen behind him.
Jimbo Fisher, Texas A&M
Walker, Texas Ranger
He struts onstage wearing a duster and cowboy hat.
Dan Mullen, Florida
Just goofy as hell.
Gus Malzahn, Auburn
Saved by the Bell
Jeremy Pruitt, Tennessee
Kirby Smart, Georgia
What will he get into next?
Mark Stoops, Kentucky
Two and a Half Men
Nobody watches this shitshow either.
Chad Morris, Arkansas
Morning routines are important.
Ed Orgeron, LSU
In the Heat of the Night
Alan Autry’s Coach O’s shirt is slightly unbuttoned, lending him a sultry air.
Will Muschamp, South Carolina
Simon & Simon
Bonus points if he does a barrel roll.
Matt Luke, Ole Miss
No one told him life was gonna be this way.
Derek Mason, Vanderbilt
Season 4 was considered the worst there, too.
Joe Moorhead, Mississippi State
Better Call Saul
You can’t convince me he’s not in some sort of witness protection program.
Barry Odom, Missouri