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Top Five Ways To Absolutely Own Your Rival Online

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Bust out these magic moves when Texas and A&M meet in baseball tonight and you will not be disappointed.

NCAA Football: Texas Tech at Texas John Gutierrez-USA TODAY Sports

HOWDY, LADIES & GENTS. As you may or may not know by now, the Ags are taking on a Big 12 team in Austin that is definitely not a rivalry to many people despite exhibiting a variety of rivalry-like symptoms. That’s all well and good, and you and I have no bearing or impact on the play on the field. HOWEVER. We can control the karmic waves of the Internet, and should attempt to do so in as ruthless a manner as possible. So far, our “rivals” have been just obliterating us online, so it’s time to step it up. Here are five examples of how to completely eviscerate an opposing fanbase using social media, wow.

#5: DOWNPLAY THE “RIVALRY”

Super clever! This way, the opposition has to come out and say “excuse me well actually this game is a rivalry” which means they are showing dependency upon your school. Alpha power move. The other school instantly looks weak and feeble.

#4: USE RELATIVITY TO EXPOSE A GLARING DEFICIENCY IN THE RESUME OF YOUR “RIVAL”

Super extra bonus points for the fresh new tactic of beginning an insult with “fun fact.”

#3: HISTORICAL INSULTS NEVER EXPIRE

Be sure to preemptively bring up past accomplishments and point out how outdated they are before your opponent attempts to use them as ammunition in an argument. This is ingenious because the first thing any Aggie is going to do today when talking trash about this baseball game in 2018 is point out how much the 1939 A&M football squad would have dominated the Longhorns. But no more: we’ve been cut off at the pass.

#2: ATTACK THEIR CULTURAL IDENTITY

This is pure savagery because as we all know, above-ground pools are far inferior to the spring-fed, natural quarry-mined limestone hand-built subterranean pools that adorn each and every house in Austin. Above-ground pools are a sign of brash new money, and that’s certainly not A&M, what a joke. Swimming pool preferences really reveal the psyche of a people, and ours appears quite vulnerable now indeed.

#1: USE AN ALTERNATE SPELLING OF THEIR SCHOOL/MASCOT.

Holy fuck. I mean...how do you even recover from this?


Keep your wits sharp and your heads on a swivel out there today, folks. Best of luck.