Good morning. The NFL Draft is sneaking up on us, which means we’re starting to get peppered with all manner of chatter around the Internet from our favorite invented language: NFL Draftspeak.
ELITE WIGGLE pic.twitter.com/XhHbdT6Ms5— Drew Magary (@drewmagary) April 18, 2018
That was about Penn State’s Saquon Barkley, but there are plenty more heady examples here.
Wiggle. Thrust. Length. All these simple and childish words assume a whole new mantle of meaning in this mystical language. But we dare not laugh, because folks, this is a SERIOUS business.
Today we’ll take a look at the complete bulleted list of weaknesses listed on Christian Kirk’s NFL.com Draft page. This is how the pro’s pro determines whether or not a football player will be good in The League. Is he a dynamic, once-a-decade college player who can change the game any time he touches the ball? Sure, but does he have next-level elbow thrust capacity? The people must know.
Doesn’t show desired burst into routes to gain separation
Whose desires are we embodying here? What NFL entity sits upon his throne, determining the exact level of bust that one should desire in an NFL wide receiver? How often are these desires requited or reciprocated? Has he made his desires known specifically to those who leave him unfulfilled? There may be a better way to hash through this frustration.
Quicker than fast
This seems like a double-edged, lose-lose sword. What if he were actually “faster than quick”? Guarantee that that would then be a bullet in the Weaknesses list. Here’s an idea, scope out the definition of “synonym” sometime. Use a dictionary, glossary, or thesaurus.
Has below average catch radius
This is just a fancy way of insinuating that he has tiny, feeble, T-Rex-like arms instead of a massive wingspan of musculature that can scoop up any ball thrown into a large airspace.
Generally needs throws near his frame
Well, yeah, that helps. Having the ball thrown at or around your body is useful if you are supposed to be catching it.
Hindered by trail coverage down the field due to lack of length
THERE IT IS! Collect your token if you had “LENTH” making an appearance in the first five bullets.
Needs to use strength to combat tight coverage underneath rather than allowing defender to crowd him
[scratches head] so...he’s using his strength to get open...in tight spaces...instead of letting the defender cover him...and this is...bad. Gosh, I sure feel like just a dumb college fan and not a football NFL expert sometimes.
Benefitted from variety of rub routes that got him wide open
He executed precise routes within well-designed plays in order to get open. WE DON’T LIKE THAT ONE BIT.
Needs to play with better knee bend
If there’s one universal theme that college coaches have been harping on from time immemorial, from Knute Rockne to Barry Switzer to Nick Saban, it’s KNEE BEND. “BEND THOSE KNEES MORE, SON! YOU’LL NEVER IMPRESS THE NFL SCOUTS WITH SUCH SHODDY KNEE BENDING” you’ll hear them screaming at each and every practice.
Made some questionable decisions to field the ball as punt returner
Shit, who hasn’t? Sorry folks, our quest for the first ever kick returner to never make a questionable fielding decision in his life continues. Christian Kirk is not The Chosen One in this regard.
Any other Draftspeak reports on Kirk been trickling in? Share ‘em with us.