Seven Aggies We Want To See At The Winter Olympics

We love everything about the Winter Olympics. It’s a bunch of people that are willing to see how fast and far and high they can go on ice and snow. Race down a steep sheet of ice that twists and turns at 80 mph and call it “skiing”? You bet. Lay down on a mini-sled and slide down a tube of ice at 90 mph? Oh hell yes. The Winter Olympic events were borne out of too much alcohol and people trapped in the snow for months on end. Take the most gravity-defying and reckless of human behaviors and put them in the most unforgiving weather conditions just to spice things up a bit? Sure, we should do that. The Winter Olympics were the result of half-drunk Scandinavians taking one look at the Summer Olympics and saying, “hold my beer, vodka, and akvavit...” And it’s perfect television entertainment in the otherwise craptastic sporting month of February. Fortunately, this very reliable website has a few Aggies projected to compete in the Winter Olympics this year, so let’s get to know them a little bit.

• Jenn Exxon (Women’s Biathlon) Jenn, who obviously hails from a Big Awl Family, is a native of the Permian Basin. She’s therefore quite adept at trudging over vast expanses of lunar hellscapes armed with a rifle. When she’s not dropping to a prone position and firing precise shots in a rapid succession at a target the size of a rattlesnake head, Jenn also enjoys goat roping, meddling in the contracts of Texas A&M coaches, and peyote trips into the Chihuahuan Desert.
• Rufus Scuttlesworth (Men’s Curling) A junior Environmental Engineering student, Rufus leaves nothing to chance. He’s the guy who creates his own spreadsheets to track Whataburger special promotions. Curling is the perfect outlet for him to cut loose and calculate the exact trajectory, velocity, slide rate, and ambient humidity effect on each push of the stone. Every single brush stroke is planned meticulously, with the exact amount of pressure exerted upon the ice, to ensure the optimal amount of resistance. This level of scientific diligence is truly what amateur sport is all about. If you see a skinny kid with glasses huddled over a device at the opening ceremonies, no, he’s not texting--he’s plugging in the temperature and wind velocity on his TI-82 in preparation for the warm-up rounds.
• Danny Joe Murphy - (Men’s Downhill and Super G) Danny Joe first learned to ski while visiting Breckenridge with the First Baptist Youth group in 1994. DJ is easy to spot with his unorthodox racing attire of super starched Wranglers, gators, and a felt Stetson hat. You may also recognize his signature phrase of “Woooo! Hell yeah!” anytime his skis are more than 3/4 of an inch off the snow.
• Addison Wickerson - (Women’s Figure Skating) Addison is a member of the Kappa Kappa Gammas at A&M and began ice skating at the Galleria while growing up in Highland Park. She’s had zero formal training, but that hasn’t stopped her meteoric rise to the top. Addison is shy in a public setting, so she prefers to have a few Cosmo’s and maybe a Blueberry-Tini shot before taking the ice in competition. Just to help “loosen up and calm the nerves”. Addison is really stoked for this opportunity since she had to sit out the 2014 Games in Sochi after shattering her hip attempting a Triple Toe Loop off the back steps of the Dry Bean in Northgate.
• Tucker Taylor - (Men’s Four Man Bobsled) Tucker is a former walk-on WR for A&M, but more importantly was a former scout team player for the women’s basketball team. Tucker is known for his deceptive speed and work ethic. The bobsled team needed someone with a lunch pail attitude, that was willing to put the needs of the team in front of his own goals. When asked about the fact that Tucker’s never actually been inside of a bobsled, his teammates said ”It was a lot like having a coach on the track. That more than makes up for his lack of experience.”
• Jimmy Gards - (Men’s Ice Hockey) You’ve probably heard by now that the NHL is not allowing its players to compete in this year’s Olympic games. This has forced our hockey team to seek out some non-professional talent to help fill out the roster. Gards is undersized, a bit slow on the ice, and doesn’t pay attention to the coaching staff. And he has a nasty habit of fighting anyone on the ice that says “it is what it is” or “Have you seen the latest Star Wars movie?” In 10 international competitions, Jimmy has only been able to log a total of 4.5 minutes on the ice, but leads the team with 33 minutes in the penalty box.
• Tony Buzbee - (Men’s Ski Jump) Our favorite regent has never skied, nor jumped for that matter, but he heard there was going to be a gathering of Norwegian women and a mountain of white powder, so he was willing to try out for any sport.