FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS FOR NATIONAL SIGNING DAY

Who else is ready for the most hyped and madness-laden day of the college football calendar? Well, prepare yourselves accordingly and don’t be too shocked if one or more of these scorching predictions happen to come true!

Jimbo Fisher will rip off his blazer and churn out some one-handed push-ups.

There’s a reason the Aggie head coach always looks uncomfortable in business casual. It’s been a really busy first couple of months for the 75 million dollar man, and he’s retained his composure magnificently thus far, compiling a pretty nice first recruiting class. Now it’s time to let those guns breathe and cut loose a little bit. Life is meaningless if celebration is always forbidden.

There will be approximately 1.5 million tweets that contain nothing but the eye emoji and a random quoted tweet from a high schooler.

You probably see this every day already if you stumble into the wrong corridors of Twitter, but tomorrow their frequency will increase exponentially as countless fans mistakenly believe they are influencing recruits by subtly nudging them towards one school or another by quoting them to let them know “hey I am a fan of X school and I am keeping an eye on your life decisions!” The result is perhaps the most content-deficient social commentary imaginable, but hey...if the player chooses your school it was all worth it!

Nick Saban will dance the “Charleston” and the “Fox Trot” at a press conference.

Much has been made lately of how Nick Saban has always been willing to “cut loose” and “be hip” on the recruiting trail. Well, now he’s about to take it to the next level. To prove he’s totally self-aware, the famously robotic Alabama head coach will bust into some good ol’ Roaring Twenties moves as a crimson blazer-clad jazz swing band breaks into some impromptu frantic beats. Whoa! That Oliver Twist really knows his onions, see!

Your favorite team has finally turned it around/arrived/maintained dominance!

It’s time to gloat, friends. Despite all the odds being stacked against your program (they weren’t), it has proved all the haters wrong (there were none, really), or taken that next step towards being college football royalty (you are basing this on the whims of 17 and 18 year-old unproven high school players, always a wise move). Now it’s time to let the rest of the Internet know how this batch of signees is proof that your team is back/ready to compete with the big dogs/still elite. Go get ‘em, tigers.

A hard-working recruiting analyst will be vindicated as the busiest grinder in the industry

It’s a tale as old as the American dream: that hustling recruiting reporter will break that story about the 3-star defensive tackle flipping from one school to an in-state rival a full 20 minutes before it’s announced on Twitter. Never have we seen such hard-earned vindication and meaningful redemption. All those long months of following high schoolers around and texting them daily have paid off, and the proof of this immense work ethic and dedication to the truth is a shining example of what this nation’s journalistic pioneers fought so hard to build. These dramatic scoops are instantly transformed into literally tens of paid subscriptions in a financial model that resembles Horatio Alger slinging custom-written child laborer personnel dossiers to the Dickensian merchant class for a flat monthly tithe. “All the world’s a stage, and we are merely here to sell information to the players in an AdvoCare-inspired scheme.” God Bless this country.