Daily Bull 2.27.18: Ranking the months of the college football offseason

Good Tuesday morning, all. Tomorrow we get set to flip another page in that analog calendar and climb from the filthy floor of our time prison to carve another notch in the wall of crumbling, repackaged taeks. There are not nearly enough notches yet. Here are all the months of the college football offseason ranked in a completely scientific manner.

1st: JUNE

June is easily the Least Stupid and therefore Best month. To wit: the NFL Draft is well in the rear-view mirror, Media Days are still a ways out, and there is virtually nothing to drive meaningless college football #content other than the usual idle chatter. A wonderful month to just hibernate from the Internet if you’ve a mind to. Summer is in full swing, vacations are being taken, and it’s not quite furnace-blast hot yet. The furor over the beginning of baseball season has simmered to a tepid paste of bland background noise. Just an all-around swell month where you can almost forget you’ve still got three months left before kickoff.

2nd: MARCH

Even college football fans can appreciate the weeks-long spectacle that is the NCAA Tournament. Spring is in the air and folks all over Texas are stopping their vehicles in freeway medians to snap photos of their kids in fields of bluebonnets. Throw in a holiday devoted to getting roaring drunk and loud on dyed, watery beer, and you’ve got yourself a decent month.

3rd: MAY

May’s not so bad. The NFL Draft is a fresh oilstain in the driveway. The initial clamor from Major League Baseball Twitter getting excited about their few weeks of offseason in the dead of winter being over has died down a bit. It’s getting warm enough to head out to the nearest body of water. The AC’s kicking on with regularity. Close it down with a nice three-day weekend at the end to mark the official start of summer and you’ve got a nice little month here.

4th: JULY

Whoa that was wholly unintentional. July is when things start getting ramped up a bit. We get silly and giddy even though we know full well there’s still two long hot months until the season begins, but we just can’t help ourselves. Media Days are a nice wake-up call to remind us how absurd the sport is. Jump on Twitter at any point and you can find 600 earnest journos all tweeting the exact same coachspeak blurbs simultaneously during the pressers, and trying to decide Who The Next Steve Spurrier Is in their free time. It’s a breath of fresh air, really. Calisthenics for the season.

TIE for 5th: FEBRUARY & APRIL

It’s difficult to decide which CFB sideshow between National Signing Day and the NFL Draft is the most gruesome carnivale display of blowhard vapidity, so we’ll just call it even here. Both involve very serious middle aged men evaluating human beings on their physical and athletic attributes, valuing their potential worth in star ratings or projected millions of dollars earned in their own farcical and mythical language. It’s science fiction for the real world and worthy of at least a passing study, if only for the sake of anthropology.

SLIGHTLY ABOVE DEAD LAST: JANUARY.

Now hang on there, #WellActually police. Now of course there’s some excellent and meaningful college ball in the first week and a half of January. But the remainder of the month drags on for approximately 78 days. The void that appears so suddenly in one’s life is massive and intimidating. One can stream entire 5-season shows on Netflix and still have a week left over before February starts. Each day in January after the national title game lasts approximately 54 hours and even the rare sunny days are just stark reminders that there’s still a couple months of gloom left before the weather’s decent enough for normal outside activity. The time remaining before college football begins again is an impenetrable wall of rubble filled with dumb taeks and way-too-early-what-to-watch-fors.

DEAD LAST: AUGUST.

August is terrible. Fuck August.

Are we wrong? Probably. Tell us why we’re wrong!