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Scattershooting - The Winter Games

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I miss the Soviets, love the sensuality of pairs skating, and my favorite Olympic movie.

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 11
This ice rink stinks like sex.
Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Tommy Moe...

- I’m 43 now and for the first time in my life, I’ve really gotten hooked on the pairs figure skating and ice dancing. It makes for great television viewing. But I want to modify the judging a little bit. Points should be awarded for music fit for the country. Russians should skate to ballet or the soundtrack of The Hunt for the Red October. Italians should be skating to Dean Martin. The US should be forced to skate to Bro Country or whatever other horrible music is pumped out of this nation now. I also need to award and deduct points for outfits. The more chest hair and cleavage visible, the more points added. I want to see a couple skate bare chested at some point.

- I know you’re going to respond with “Figure skating is the worst. I hate it.” But is there any other Olympic event that makes you want to buy a bottle of cologne or drink some Courvoisier? Any other Olympic sport like pairs skating where you can turn to your wife afterward and say “So, you think they’re boning?” I mean other than the two man bobsled?

- Mike Tirico is such a huge upgrade over that pompous ass Bob Costas. Tirico has a great balance of informative, interesting, and friendly. The last 10 years Costas always seemed to be talking down to the audience. Tirico is the dude that you want to just hang out and listen to what he’s sharing. Good move NBC.

- If Russia under Putin is going to go full-on bad guy and start invading countries, meddling in USA affairs, hacking computers, etc.; then they need to at least bring back the greatest “bad guy” national anthem of all time for the Olympics. I grew up in the 80’s and that anthem always got the blood boiling during the Olympics. It’s hard to explain to the younger generations, but the USA-Soviet Olympic rivalry was outstanding in the 1980’s. Imagine the Iron Bowl except Alabama and Auburn both have thousands of nuclear warheads pointed at each other. Actually you know what, don’t imagine that. Ever.

- For Your Eyes Only is my favorite Olympic film. Yes, I realize it doesn’t actually involve the Olympics, but it features ice skating, a biathlon henchman, a motorcycle chase through a ski resort, and I can’t see Mikaela Shiffrin without thinking of Bibi Dahl.

- Short track speed skating is just a wild ass sport. There’s just no other way to say it. There aren’t any lines on the ice, just some random small black cones. Nobody really can decipher distance or speed and it’s fairly typical to have players just slide and wipe out other competitors with no consequences. It’s even more insane when they run a relay in this event and the inner circle of ice is filled with more random skaters going in circles that come in and out of the competition that still has NO LINES PAINTED on the ice for some reason. This sport had to be invented after several bottles of vodka were consumed while watching a Mad Max movie.

- If you had to make up a four man bobsled team from FBS head football coaches, who would you go with? I’m thinking Jim Harbaugh as my driver since he has the right mixture of insanity and determination. I’ll throw Tom Herman in the second slot, because he can at least make sure everyone on the team passes a piss test. Dana Holgerson because he’ll make sure the entire female Swedish ski team shows up to our hot tub party after the race. And I want Will Muschamp in the back because he’s got that angry, pissed off strength going, plus he’s scary enough to fluster zee Germans. Got a better team? Let me know.