BOWL PREVIEWS: New Year’s Eve Edition

Military Bowl

by Rush

Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech | 11 a.m. | ESPN

You want to ensure the nation sees how much you RESPECT THE TROOPS? Just force fanbases from southwest Ohio and rural Virginia to descend upon the greater Washington, D.C. area on New Year’s Eve for a $1 million bowl payout. Enjoy all the beautiful landmarks our nation’s capitol has to offer during a freezing mist amongst thousands of drunken revelers.

And speaking of statues, don’t look for a whole lot of fireworks from the Hokies’ offense. The Bearcats have a legitimate top-ten defense. I’m predicting a lot of power running and bad pursuit angles. Unless some bowl magic happens, this is a good one to help you ease into a full day of football.

HYUNDAI SUN BOWL

by Chuck

Stanford vs. Pitt | Monday, Dec. 31st | 1 p.m. | CBS

Good afternoon, sir, and welcome to GBH Hyundai! I can see you’re a discerning individual, you’ve already got your eyes on a new Hyundai and let me tell you sir you couldn’t have picked a better time or a better vehicle! Let me show you what I got.

[motions to a cardinal and white Hyundai Tucson]

Ah, the moment I saw you I knew you’d be interested in old Stanford here. She’s a real beaut, ain’t she? Sure, she’s not the biggest in her league, nor the fastest. Honestly, she’s not that great on the outside either. Pretty good lines though, right? Listen, I could put you in Washington over there [gestures at Hyundai Santa Fe XL], but let’s be honest we both know you couldn’t make the payments, and that girl will still break your heart in the winter. Don’t think of Stanford as settling, think of her as... opting for a little less.

[sees you eyeing a navy and gold Elantra]

Sir I don’t think you want that. That thing’s just an old rental car, honestly I’m not sure how it even got here to El Paso. It’s kinda just here as a joke. [Notices your inexplicable maintained interest] I mean you gotta hand it to her, she’s been rode hard and hung up wet but she’s still tickin’. She’s got some dings and dents, and I think someone threw up in the center console, but hey - you’ll be the only one on the road with a car like this.

Red Box Bowl

by Rush

Michigan State vs. Oregon | 2 p.m. | FOX

Greetings!

Browse > College Football > New Year’s Eve

Would you like to watch...

>Intriguing matchup between some dark horse programs on the rise?

>>SORRY, OUT OF STOCK

>A plucky Group of Five team take on an established powerhouse?

>>SORRY, OUT OF STOCK

>Some of college football’s most electrifying big names?

>>SORRY, OUT OF STOCK

>A couple of former playoff teams who lost 4 conference games apiece play a game in the world’s cradle of technology, sponsored by an antiquated business model that is still built around physical DVDs, and called by a man with no vocal constraints or grasp of emotional nuances?

>>ENJOY YOUR BOWL GAME EXPERIENCE, THANK YOU

Liberty Bowl

by Shooter Flatch

Oklahoma State vs Missouri | 2:45 | ESPN

A 1967 Cadillac comes flying into the parking lot at the Liberty Bowl. Mike Gundy is fully clad in an Elvis sequined jumpsuit. It’s 15 minutes before kickoff and T. Boone Pickens is madder than hell. Pickens rushes up to Gundy and says “Where the hell you been?!?!” Gundy is cool as can be and says “Graceland. But don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.” Pickens glares him down and says, “Well this plan of yours better be foolproof.” Without missing a beat, Gundy smiles and says...

”As the King his own self once said, there ain’t nothin’ in this whole wide world that’s foolproof, ‘cept Coupe De Ville’s and hookers!!”

Holiday Bowl

by Shooter Flatch

Northwestern vs Utah | 6:00 pm | FS1

This game is an anomaly in today’s CFB world when you look at these programs and coaches.

Kyle Whittingham played linebacker at BYU. He’s now been on the Utah coaching staff since 1994. He’s been the head coach for 14 years. During that time he’s had some success (2 Pac 12 South division titles) and some rough patches (2 seasons back to back with 5-7 records). But the school stuck with him and it’s paid off. The Utes preach defense and toughness and everything revolves around that.

Pat Fitzgerald played linebacker at Northwestern. He’s been on the staff at Northwestern since 2001. He’s been the head coach for 13 years. During that time he’s had some success (3 ten win seasons) and some rough patches (2 seasons back to back with 5-7 records). But the school stuck with him and it’s paid off. The Wildcats preach defense and toughness and everything revolves around that.

I realize you’ll be tuned in to the Aggie game tonight, but if you want to flip over or set up that second TV, this game will feature two disciplined teams that play tough and physical. Some may call it boring, but I think they’re both more of a throwback style of team that’s enjoyable to watch. The winning coach should strap on an old 90’s style neck-roll and do pushups at the 50 yard line.