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BOWL PREVIEWS: Wednesday, December 26th

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The SERVPRO, QuickLane, and Cheez-It corporations would like a word please

Northwestern v Minnesota
Coach PJ Fleck meditates on the fragile nature of life
Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

SERVPRO First Responders Bowl

by Shooter Flatch

Boston College vs Boise State | 12:30 | ESPN

I would love to tell you all about this game and why you should watch, but it’s the day after Christmas, you’re bloated and a little hungover and tired of the same six movies playing on every channel. College football is always there to help, just like SERVPRO. I have no idea if SERVPRO has a corporate tagline or motto so let’s try to come up with one for them.

- Did your diabetic in laws clog up your toilets and flood the house during the Holidays? Call SERVPRO!

- Gotta blow your Christmas bonus on your home insurance deductible? SERVPRO will help you out!

- SERVPRO, we are getting filthy rich because people are dumb and continue to live in flood prone areas.

- You know what causes house fires in 2018? Drunk smokers living in double-wides. Enjoy the SERVPRO Bowl!!

“QuickLane Bowl”

by Rush

Minnesota vs. Georgia Tech | 4:15 p.m., ESPN

RIP Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl

This is just to say...we miss you, Pizza PIzza Bowl.

Maybe it’s being forced to go nearly four days between bowls (WYD, HAWAII?) but this game’s got me all sentimental. The Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl used to be one of the hidden gems of bowl season. And it was served up like you’d expect: hot and ready, cheap and filling. We’d get a crazy MAC team trying to steal another win from the B1G after some unwitting 5-6 Purdue or Northwestern stumbled into bowl eligibility in their finale. Or if there were no handy B1G teams laying around, a nice C-USA-MAC shootout. But, no. You had to grow up and get a “real” sponsor, i.e., a subsidiary of Ford, upon whose field you play.

So now we get potential P5-P5 matchups. So exciting. In the final seven seasons of the LCPB, the game was never decided by more than 5 points. In the first four instances of the QLB, only one game has been within a touchdown on the final scoresheet. I’ll let you do the math, but do you want stale, prurient, B1G-ACC football at this hour, after not indulging for three-plus days? Or do you want that quick jolt of foolishness and unpredictability that you need to get you going for the home stretch. We want a bit of havoc, so give us that coachless option team from Atlanta playing indoors in Detroit against a team that won at a .333 clip in conference play and is coached by a curiously excitable man with the boundless bounce and energy of the rodent the team is named after. Give us one more triple-option showcase before the new regime, Jackets.

Cheez-It Bowl

by Chuck

Cal vs. TCU | Wednesday, December 26th | 8 p.m. | ESPN

We could talk about Cal finally getting back to a bowl game, or we could talk about TCU’s descent into madness, or we could talk about some other football bric-a-brac. How about instead we talk about the best new bowl sponsorship of the year? We talked to our friend Chet Norsworth, Vice President of Bowl Brand Synergy at World Optimum Products, Inc. about some exciting new cross-promotional recipes:

”Kellogg and the Cactus Bowl are both energized and ready to leverage this revolutionary cross-brand intersync to disrupt your typical football snack paradigm. We worked with both schools to establish a Cheez-It recipe that could both encapsulate the nature of each school while redefining the way that the consumer interfaces with their brand. We think that these new “micromeals” will bring bowl-fan-team-snack interactions to the next level... of flavor!”

CHASE GARBERS’ SNACK BRICKS

(1 box) Cheez-It Brand snack crackers

(1 lb) Grade G beef skirt steak

(2) large hass avocados

Mango salsa

Sear steak for 30 seconds on extra-low heat, then cut into cubes. Place one cube on each cracker with one slice of avocado, than garnish with salsa.

Chet says: “The steak brings to mind that this quarterback is definitely tough and raw but in the end not very good. Mango salsa reminds the consumer that California can always take two rights and make a wrong. Finally, the avocado increases market viability among skateboard-riding, definitely not 35 year-old millennials.”

GARY PATTERSON’S CHICKEN SALAD POPPERS

(1) box Cheez-It Brand snack crackers

(1 lb) chicken breast, roasted

(6 oz) mayonnaise

(6) celery stalks

Shred chicken and mix with mayo. Dice celery and mix in to taste. Spread on Cheez-It crackers and serve.

Chet says: “Chickens famously cross the road, making them the only protein known to look the other way. The celery reminds the consumer of how often you can burn a lot of calories and gain nothing. As an option replace the mayo with ranch, blue cheese, or any other intensely white medium.”