AUSTIN — this week, University of Texas regents gave the greenlight for a new campus basketball arena.
Who gives a shit, right? Wait. Wait a minute - hang on. [swats away dank haze] [squints]
Well I’ll be goddammed...
Texas regents give their blessing to plans for new campus basketball arena. Also, Matthew McConaughey will be the arena's "Minister of Culture." Seriously. #hookem— Jim Vertuno (@JimVertuno) December 20, 2018
I couldn’t be more on board with this move.
From the Texas official news release: Austin-based Academy Award winner Matthew McConaughey will act as the “Minister of Culture” at the venue, ensuring that Longhorn and Austin cultures are front and center and helping create a fan experience unlike any other.”
Gang, if McConaughey is the Minister, then I am the sagely prophet that foretold his coming...
"This wood floor, kemosabes? A forest. That orange pelota over there? Former swine, man. Life. Energy. This monk to my left? Vi-tal-i-ty" pic.twitter.com/lbGw5pkM6a— Jimmy G (@jimmygards) October 19, 2017
What follows are actual excerpts from the press conference in Austin:
MINISTER MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY: Alright alright and namaste. Name is Minister McConaughey and I bow to the divine that resides in each of you.
Basketball. It’s akin to the ancient Aztecan game Ullamaliztli. Unlike U-lla-mal-iz-li, basketball is played atop an oaken lectern. A mesa built from the timber of the Tree of Life. And there are fewer blood sacrifices.
[chuckles to self]
I’ve been summoned by the Pharisees of the Forty Acres to shepherd this collective. My chak-ra was subpoenaed to breathe life into the spirits - the empty jars of clay.
[begins impromtu yoga Chaturanga]
[smirks coyly at the press corps]
Y’all mustn’t be bashful, now. Entre, fair scribes. Study at the hem of my garment. [motions towards his board shorts].
You - yes, my son?
Kirk Bohls, Austin American Statesmen: uh, Minister McConaughey, what does a “Minister of Culture” do for a basketball program?
MINISTER MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY: Great question, Kurt. My, my - life’s riddles [pensively sips Wild Turkey from a leather canteen]. Lemme clue you wordsmiths in on somethin’. I didn’t choose the ministry. I was merely a soul pilgrim traversing Indonesia with my burro Rusty when the Forty Acres found me a scant four hours ago. Was preparing to make How to Lose a Guy in 11 Days with Kate Hudson and Harry Winkler.
And culture? Brother, we’re liv-in it, mk? I’m talking spatial relations. Instagram. Goat tacos on East Sixth. The Romans and their wily aq-ue-ducts. It’s universal. Po-ke-mon-Go, k? It’s all in the culture cylinder riding that centrifugal force in your soul. And that’s what it’s all about. Rhythms. MEMES. The MySpace adobe at South by Southwest. Apple’s new temple coming to Austin. Onward.
Mike Finger, San Antonio Express News: Minister, what will be the first orders of business in your new calling?
[McConaughey closes eyes for 7 minutes, then smiles]
MINISTER MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY: Ah the mighty Finger. Yahweh’s touch. I’ll relay onto you a little advice that was passed on to me by Steve Zahn when we were filming Sahara. Professor Zahn said, “Matthew, there is only one truth in this land and it’s rugs. Both exotic and female, but mostly the exotically female.” Changed my life.
This whole new basketball spiritual yurt will be covered in meditative rugs. I’ve got a guy in Marrakesh. There will be no seats in this gimnasio. Nah nah. Spiritual spectators will sit upon Moroccan rugs during services - excuse me - “games.”
Bongos and hackysacks will most certainly be available should the spirits awaken just so.
Ya’ll understand that that big pot of airport gumbo called the Erwin Center is gone, right? Sayonara. We’re delivering authenticity. I’m talking about those band nerds over there noodling with the Chi Omegas. Vitality. This is what Johnny Lennon was preaching.
But the cycle doesn’t collapse on itself there, nah nah. I reckon them Baylor Bap-teests might be alarmed when they see the medicinal herb dispensaries around our new enclave. Shucks, I was just 12 years old when I was huntin’ squirrels in East Texas with my kin when a robed shaman emerged from the thicket and taught me how to rip a bong load. The spirit moves in sneaky ways, kemosabes. Treasure thee.
Back to your query, yes the culture is paramount. How does a team achieve Nirvana if their innards are ensconced in Bumble? In FORT-nite, hmm? Culture is hoisted upon organic hummus, sticky canbibas, and Moutain Jam off Eat a Peach by the Allman Hermanos.
This temple won’t just be where our centurions place a orange orb through a peach basket. Nah nah now is the time for this meta force to blossom from the cocoon and birth into a Mecca for the holiest of entertainers. I’m talking Art Garfunkel. Phish cover bands. Drum-circles [motions both hands in circles]. The Indigo Girls. Fastball. ABBA. Carrot Top. Let ‘em all come shower us with their melodies and limericks.
Did I address your inquisition, Fingerling?
Now. If you’ll excuse me. I will conclude today’s sermon in the Sweat Lodge over yonder sponsored by Nike. Vamonos.
Geoff Ketchum, [insert here]: Does that mean we’re going to Pluckers?