We hope you loved all of Saturday’s games. Round 2 kicks off tomorrow night and gives us some Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday relief before another full weekend. You may wish to casually mock these games, but we went ahead and mocked them much more thoroughly for your benefit.
Northern Illinois vs. UAB | Tuesday, December 18 | 6 pm | ESPN
Folks, we haven’t seen a Husky vs. Blazer matchup this compelling since Philip Seymour Hoffman’s attire in the classic Pacino film Scent of a Woman, OK? Heard a lot of talk about this season being the ultimate absolution for previously-moribund UAB. America loves redemption. Pretty fitting, therefore, that their season will end in a city designed to be the premiere resort location in North America but is now just known as the corporate headquarters for Office Depot. Of course their opponent’s just happy to be there, shedding their layers of thick coats and mayonnaise-based insulation to become instantly sunburnt brick-red in the mild Florida winter sun. Folks, the MAC/C-USA culture clash is real, and so is the tremendous volume of GRIT that each side brings to this game. Don’t believe me? Just listen to the ESPN crew on Tuesday night. Tired of all that hoopla over the national championship music halftime show? Well here’s the only Imagine Dragon we need right here:
Welcoming people at the Firehouse Shelter for Men luncheon! pic.twitter.com/HHs0NfrV54— Blaze (@UABBlaze) April 27, 2017
DXL Frisco Bowl
by Shooter Flatch
San Diego State vs Ohio | Wednesday Dec. 19th | 7:00 PM | ESPN
Every year some mouth-breather will tell you that there are too many bowl games. Never listen to those people. Who the hell complains about more college football to watch. Anyway, to try and prove their point they will typically point to a game such as this one. A random matchup of average teams, played in the middle of the week at a soccer stadium in a suburb of Dallas. Luckily, I’m here to tell you exactly why a bowl game like this is important.
It’s the Wednesday before Christmas and the wife calls you at work to let you know she found someone to watch the kids, and the two of you need to hit the mall and shops one more time to gather a few more gifts. Upon arrival at said mega-mall, you split up and promise to meet back up in two hours. As any smart husband and father would do, you proceed to the nearest Game Stop, spend 5 minutes purchasing gifts cards and therefore end your shopping duties for the evening. But oh hey, lookie there, it’s your friendly neighborhood Kona Grill across from the Sunglass Hut. And they have an open seat at the bar. Thankfully for you, the Frisco Bowl game is on the TV.
An hour later you’ve plowed through two 24 ounce Coors drafts and you’re working on the second Jack and soda double. You just got down that second half bet of San Diego -4, and the 20 year old hostess in the tight black dress that attends the local community college is putting the Holly Jolly back into your Christmas all by her damn self. You’re no longer worried about the plate of calamari and pot stickers you scarfed down because thanks to the Frisco Bowl, you know you can get a new pair of slacks at the DXL Big and Tall store for your jug ass. Remember people, it’s not really the Holidays unless you’re tipsy, gambling on mid-week college football, and getting a little too handsy with the staff at Kona Grill while the wife does all of your family shopping. So thank you DXL Frisco Bowl for reminding us of the real reason for the season.
The Bad Boy Mowers St. Petersburg Gasparilla Bowl
Marshall vs. South Florida | Thursday, December 20th | 7 pm | ESPN
A LOOK AT THE MOST APTLY NAMED BOWL IN HISTORY
- 2008: The MagicJack St. Petersburg Bowl
MagicJack, for those few of you who managed to stay employed in the late 2000s and thus weren’t watching daytime television commercials, was a device that could plug into a USB port and allow a standard land line phone to make VOIP calls. Within a year of the release of the first iPhone the people of St. Petersburg hitched their bowl wagon to a product that, much like Florida itself, was only of interest to aging baby boomers who could no longer adapt to modern life and people who could not maintain the financial stability required for a pre-paid flip phone.
- 2009 - 2013: The Beef O’Brady’s Bowl
Even if you ignore the fact that it was founded in the blandest of Tampa suburbs thus making it the local hero, Bennigans’ ankle-monitor-wearing cousin Beef O’Brady’s is a natural fit for the naming rights to this bowl. Steeped in the tradition of Eire that Florida is known for, this purportedly family friendly Irish pub features such classic fare from the emerald isle as the Whole Lotta Steak Nachos, Sweet Thai Chili Wings, and California Turkey Melt. Beef O’Brady’s is the sponsor this game was meant to have, the perfect ambassador for a state with the cultural gravitas of a Spencer’s Gifts.
- 2014: The Bitcoin Bowl
Risking your entire financial well-being on extremely volatile transactions with no cash collateral to back them up should they collapse suddenly is the basis of the entire economy of Florida.
- 2015 - 2016: The Gasparilla Bowl
Named after mythical pirate Jose Gaspar, the Gasparilla is a floating parade of Floridians dressing like pirates and wildly misinterpreting the meaning of “international waters” when explaining things to the coast guard. Gasparilla is all of the sweaty drunken boob flashing of Mardi Gras combined with the slow-motion maritime drunkenness and river-peeing of a float trip down the Guadalupe. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre you ready to complete 120 hours of community service to work off that BUI?
- 2017 - Present: The Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
Because fuck it, if you’re gonna go to town go in a Lincoln.