LEARN TO LOVE 11AM: PART II

BY THACKTOR

You wake up, and through blurred vision you glance at your clock radio positioned exactly where you left it on the nightstand. Shit. You woke up at 8:58, but you had set your alarm for 9:15. Going back to sleep will do you no good, so you reset your alarm for 9:45 so you can get another solid bit of sleep in hopes that you’ll slip back into that dream where you’re riding Falcor from Neverending Story as you fly over for the College Football Playoff where the Aggies are about to win their first Natty in the modern era. Your date to the game is whatever celebrity you’re most attracted to, I’m not here to judge your brain movies.

Alas, you can’t get back to sleep because that mockingbird outside your window is practicing for Julliard, the neighbor has decided to trim the hedges, and the city has finally made moves to repave your street. Aren’t you lucky?

Yes, you are. You now have been awakened with the hate you need to pursue this specific 11 AM game, which is the one the Aggies need to win to become bowl eligible. Do yourself a favor today, deprive yourself of joy up until kickoff. Turn on CSPAN. Make weak coffee and do not add anything to it. Eat a cold Eggo. There you go, let the icy waffle and flavorless coffee mixed with the monotone, still-camera sadness of government TV fuel your rage. Now take a lukewarm shower.

When you get out, don’t dry all the way off. That’s right. Stay damp, and shove some 80 grit sandpaper down the front of your undies. Look at yourself in the mirror and work on your anger face. Now brush your teeth with dirt.

Remember, these are the bad times, and we’re probably reaching the end. You want to savor this anger for the future, when it’s high cotton for the Aggies. You can’t truly know pleasure unless you have known pain.

Now, for good measure, drop a brick on your foot.

Aggies - 35
Rebels - 21

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BY DR NORRIS CAMACHO

With Cameron Buckley joining Jhamon Ausbon on the Aggie Injured WR Bench, Jimbo desperately needs another wideout to step in and join Quartney Davis as a viable option for Mond. MSWAG has been consistent in practice, displaying unwavering posture and a stiff resilience that is truly inspiring, while absorbing coaching constantly.

Hang on, now hear me out: why not?? PROS: already leads the team in forced fumbles and has never been ejected for targeting. CONS: do we want to risk injuring our most consistent offensive weapon?

Not in the classic sense. We're talking jumpstarting the passing game with a nice little fake punt thrown in the mix. Did y'all see what Iowa did a couple weeks ago? Fake FG pass to a defensive lineman. Daylon Mack, this is your moment. Imagine clinching the Ray Guy Ward and Piesman Trophy in one beautiful stroke.

The SEC's leading passer is a bit dinged up this week, and has been limited in practice. Our best hope is that he is only able to grip the ball by squeezing the ball in the crook of his elbow between bicep and forearm and we hold him to only 450 yards passing.

Quietly leading the SEC in rushing touchdowns and just a few yards behind Trayveon Williams. Not really much of a receiving threat so expect at least 6-8 screen passes that gouge us for 150+ yards and a couple touchdowns.

Speedy, versatile defensive end. Good thing the Aggie offensive line has excelled at pass blocking in recent weeks. Hold on...what's this...{puts hand to hear, listens to transmission}. Oh. #@)(($)*&%#@)#

MILLERTIME

BY DR NORRIS CAMACHO

How's about that game Saturday, huh? WOOF. If I wanted to watch epic fourth-quarter collapses, I'd just wake up Mike Sherman for a few minutes and have him phone in some strategy, amirite? It wasn't just the mistakes and choking. I don't want to get off on a rant here, but this A&M defense, for all its improvement, just cannot manage to create any turnovers, mmkay?

ONE fumble recovery in nine games? You've got better odds of seeing loose balls pounced on at an octogenarian nudist convention in Equatorial Guinea, folks. And you wanna talk picks? There are fifteen INDIVIDUAL players in college football with more interceptions than the entire Aggie defense in 2018. The only people worse at taking things that don't belong to them are the meth-heads on COPS reruns who try to push an ATM down the street on a skateboard while in full pursuit by armed SWAT units, OK? I haven't seen a deficit this alarming since Black Thursday, alright? What's it gonna take? Even sheer chance would dictate that 22 dudes crashing around on a field for 60 minutes would yield more than 0.444 turnovers a game. Course...that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR

BY CHUCKGBH

DINNER BELLS

When asked this week if the Aggies could learn killer instinct in order to finish games, Jimbo responded that "domination and winning is a learned behavior". Aggie fans are still hopeful that Fisher can develop a Pavlovian training regimen that will elicit the kind of aggression that has been missing in Aggieland in November for years. Next November look for an Aggie offensive lineman to be arrested after someone yells "hut" in a crowded HEB parking lot and he drive blocks a Hyundai Santa Fe into a Papa Murphy storefront.

EARLY RELEASE

Last week the NCAA announced that it was lifting sanctions on recruiting for Ole Miss, but that the 2018 bowl ban would remain effective. While the recruiting lift is certainly good news for #industry professionals and the Oxford used car economy, the bowl ban is a disappointment according to university officials. Still, if the Aggies prevail this weekend then it is likely that the Vanderbilt game will decide whether Ole Miss fans spend the off season complaining about being held from accepting a bowl bid, or complaining that they weren't even eligible.

ROAST SHARK

- this shark wants to lease you a BMW 3 series

- mascot lookin like Ripster from Street Sharks had a cousin who dropped out of high school to sell molly

- this shark was submitted by Miss Sheffield's 3rd grade class for the mascot of the 2020 Summer Games

- frat-party Jaws ass shark

- your 4 year old nephew on Ritalin thinks this mascot is juvenile

- Japanese cereal box lookin head ass

- "we're gonna need a bigger boat shoe"

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

BY CHUCKGBH

#16 MISSISSIPPI STATE @ #1 ALABAMA
If you want to pretend that you're above spite-watching a game then go ahead and skip to the next section. No one derives actual joy in watching Alabama win, but sometimes watching the architects of your annual failure be sucked into the cutter head of Nick Saban's college football dredge is enough to get you to the next week. Suffer, Bulldogs. Suffer as we have suffered.

HOTREELZ

BY CUPPYCUP

ROI'd RAGE

BY CHUCKGBH

What's the going rate for 6 or 7 wins in college football? Considering that 8 wins weren't worth $5MM, let's just agree that our investment portfolio is not currently on an acceptable pace. The Aggies are still hoping to become bowl eligible in November and our signature win is now just a stain on Georgia's bumper. In a way it's nice that we are past the frenetic hope for a good season in 2018 and we can settle comfortably into "we'll give Jimbo a couple of seasons to right the ship" territory. Still, a strong finish and an elusive win against LSU are the last hope for Jimbo to actually earn his paycheck this season.

PLACE YOUR BETS

BY GBH STAFF

BEST CASE / BESTER CASE

BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE

Win big at home.

BESTER CASE

Let's just keep it to a big win at home, OK? I'll push it by hoping for a fresh baked cookie after the win.