God, I love Thanksgiving. You can have the rest of the holidays, this one is my favorite by far. No gifts. No bullshit. Just food. Food all damn day, all damn night. Let’s not forget the booze, food’s best friend. Beer during the day, wine with dinner, and late night scotch to ensure a coma. “Don’t mix alcohol, you’ll get sick!” How about you mind your business, Deborah? Huh? Maybe if you didn’t mix desserts for 30 years you wouldn’t have Type 2, ever think of that?
I get mouthy when I drink, I’m sorry. Not to get nostalgic, but when the Aggies played their rivalry game on Thanksgiving, I used to make mammoth leftover sandwiches. I’m talking turkey, brisket, honey baked ham, stuffing, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, and a piece of pie. That’s a damn sammich. The thing is, we gotta wait until Saturday, and now you’re dealing with the leftover leftovers, and this can be problematic to your game day sandwich making endeavors.
Lucky you, I’m here to help you get everything you need out of your gameday leftover sandwich experience. First thing’s first: you have to volunteer to clean the kitchen. If you can, take one for the team and do this all yourself. If you do this, two things will happen: first, you won’t have to refill your own drink the rest of the night as the entire family is indebted to you for your service. You’re a hero, and deserve all the accolades, praise, and liquor. Second, you get to box up the leftovers, putting you in prime position to ensure that all goodies required for a leftover sandwich are hidden.
It’s pretty important to bring your own tupperware, but first get a really good printout of a picture of some rank food, pig’s feet should work just fine. Paste this to the outside of your containers and you’ll be certain that nobody will touch your precious haul. Now, go apeshit. Get everything you need to ensure that your plate is stacked with a sandwich that would make Dagwood pass out. The last thing you do, is put that shit in the crisper drawer for extra safe keeping.
Happy Thanksgiving, I’m going to clean the kitchen now.
Aggies - 35
Tigers - 31
CAST OF CHARACTERS
It's been an up-and-down year with a shaky and (eject-y) start, but Saturday's the Louisiana native's finale at Kyle Field. Last week we saw an interception. That was just a warm-up act. Hopefully.
He's been in this section several times over the years, perpetually ready to break out. This year has been his best season to date, so go out with a bang, big man. Crush your enemies. Pick-six. You know you want to.
What a career. For some perspective, #42 has been playing linebacker for so long that Twitter was actually fun when he started out. I know. Crazy. Double-digit tackles and a turnover, a workmanlike and humble exit.
What do LSU football teams and LSU quarterbacks have in common? Finishing 9-4 is considered the norm. Sure, Jeaux is only averaging one TD pass per win, but buddy, wait until you get a load of this secondary.
Somewhere, in a dark and utterly horrifically stale man-chamber, Gary Danielson is muttering to himself that Devin White will return from his targeting suspension for the second half against Alabama, ready to turn this ship around.
Wait a minute...how does the same dude have 5 interceptions and 5 sacks? Do we even have 5 interceptions on the year as a team? This does not seem fair. Let me @ Greg Sankey about this egregious oversight.
I don't wanna go off on a rant here, but folks I think it's time we cut the shit with all these trendy hipster side-dishes, mmkay? You all know the guilty parties, and you're too polite to say anything, bless your hearts. Someone, without fail, will show up not with any of the dozen or so tried-and-true, starch-laden, generational standbys: potatoes, stuffings, rolls, casseroles, and the like. No, Aunt Dollar General Barefoot Contessa had to bring something she saw in Cooking Light at the dentist's office.
Look, if I wanted to subsist off dried berries, pumpkin seeds, and pomegranate peels laced into a bitter green vegetable, I'd travel back in time 300 years and live with the Apaches in the mountains of Northern Mexico, mmkay? This is not the day to count calories and smart-carb it, babe. This is the day you use an ice cream scoop to shovel oyster dressing down your gullet and wash it down with fresh giblet gravy. Pile up your mountain of canned green beans, make a fort out of mashed potatoes, and invade that sucker with your creamed corn army. Who wins this battle? Casual obesity and you, that's who. Unbuckle that belt a notch, stretch out on the couch, and send the paleo gluten-free acolytes back to the lentil mines. This is not that day. Course, that's my opinion, I could be wrong. But I'm not.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
for 'rivalry'. Which this isn't. Or is it? The olds will regale you with tales of the heated matches with the kittens in the 90s, but are they remembering rivalry or just reminiscing to a time when we beat the ass of an inferior team for years? These teams didn't play for over a decade, and the Ags haven't won since cell phones were a stupid novelty. We have no songs about them, no yells, no hand signals, and I don't plan on forbidding my daughter to attend LSU because they produce human garbage. (I forbid her because I want her to actually get an education. Don't worry, LSU grads can't read.)
I SEE ED PEOPLE
The A&M/LSU game has been the M. Night Shyamalan twist in the third act of the season for years now. In 2015 a dramatic win against A&M saved Les Miles' job... for about 10 months. After he was canned, interim coach Ed Orgeron was given the title of head coach of the LSU Tigers two days after trouncing the Aggies. 2017... well 2017 was quiet. Too quiet. Watch for the twist this weekend, as Jimbo Fisher announces at halftime that he has secretly been coaching both teams this whole time! Ed Orgeron runs for the tunnel only to trip and have his skin fall off revealing two alligators on each other's shoulders. RC Slocum senses danger and rushes to the sideline, hastily organizing the Aggies into a 4 back set with Miss Rev as the sole wideout. The 90s are back!
Last week we had Senior day (end on a high note rather than LSU I guess), but hopefully this week we will have Junior day. More specifically, Juniors-who-will-probably-leave-for-the-NFL-draft-leaving-a-hole-big-enough-for-them-to-score-a-touchdown-in-our-hearts Day. You're a hell of a running back Trayveon and you will be missed. How about a couple hundred more yards just for old times sake?
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
The SEC teams will play in games this weekend with names. The Iron Bowl. The Battle Line Rivalry. The Palmetto Bowl. The Egg Bowl. The Sunshine Showdown. Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate.
The Aggies are playing LSU, which is good too I guess. Maybe this game needs a name. Since the Aggies always play terribly and half the games are in Baton Rouge, I propose that the A&M/LSU game be known as "Swamp Ass". Get back to me, marketing folks.
The Aggies beat a Conference USA team as they should, and Jimbo will receive his checks as promised because an Aggie doesn't lie, cheat, or steal or crawfish on a multi-million dollar contract without legal proof of just cause. Yes Jimbo will receive his money as agreed, but if he wants to earn it then give the brass something to be excited about this weekend. Without being hyperbolic, this is the most important way to indicate that the Kevin Sumlin era is truly past and there is a bright future ahead in Kyle.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / BESTER CASE
Finally get the LSU win out of the way. That's it, that's all. Beat the Tigers, get to 8 wins, draw a decent bowl game.
Dessert is Keto compliant, and I eat cookies until I have an 8-pack.