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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M at Auburn

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Another November for the Ags. LET’S TAILGATE (HEAVILY)


LEARN TO LOVE 11AM

This week, the Aggies look to rebound from another ill-fated trip to Starkville by traveling to Auburn to take on the War Eagle Tigers at 11 AM. I know what you’re thinking, Ags. This is a shitty time for a football game, ain’t nobody getting up and hyped for 11 AM. Well, guess what? You’re wrong.

An 11 AM football game is a gift from the gods in the middle of the football season. You’ve got yourself a pleasant fall day ahead where you can do all kinds of activities to savor victory or forget a loss. It’s a total win/win situation. But, don’t forget game time!

The first thing you do is pop out of bed to catch College Gameday. It’s probably good if you get up a little early for a nice workout, it’s important to be in peak physical condition before an 11 AM game. Once you’re done, be sure that you have multiple pots of coffee brewed, and that you’re ready to fully submit to the early football glory by adding some light hallucinogens to the brew. I mean, you’ve seen Lee Corso predict a game, but have you heard him speak into your soul? I highly doubt that. It’ll change your life, my man. Just wait until your spirit puts on the head of Mike the Tiger in unison with Lee’s victorious screams.

Now that you’re completely fascinated by the wallpaper, it’s time to enjoy a breakfast taco. No, the dog is not a breakfast taco. OK, here’s where it’s important to mention that you need a spirit guide. I recommend Alexa, as she is calming, accommodating, and can order more food. It’s also key that I mention that I have no friends, so maybe a real person is better. Use your gut here, but do make sure you get some breakfast tacos in the system as you’re going to need fuel to power you through this experience.

If it’s halftime and the Aggies are down, you’re probably gonna have a bad time. I’d do some research on “set and setting”. This is when it’s imperative that you tweet good and hard at everyone involved in the game. Be sure to rant at the coaching staff, Board of Regents, ESPN, GBH Staff, and TexAgs super good and hard as it will never come back to haunt you. If the Aggies are up, please ensure you talk massive amounts of shit to all of the haters. Really own them. Damn, you’re smooth.

Now that the game is over, you realize that you’re just a flash of intelligence trapped in a skin suit on a giant rock orbiting a plasma sphere in the vast emptiness of space. Your ego has died. Time for lunch! Go get yourself a nice big cheeseburger and watch the remainder of the games with the keen awareness that you have no impact on the outcome, and nothing matters.

Bring on November.

Aggies - 28
Tigers - 17


CAST OF CHARACTERS

Hey, anyone catch this momentary cut to Elko on the sidelines Saturday night? Spackle those fancy-ass gloves with some industrial-grade adhesive, do whatever.

What a great change-of-pace guy stepping in as a true freshman. He had nearly half of the team's rushing offense on one play last weekend, and he's already taken back a kickoff. More touches, please.

Pros from last week: didn't get ejected. Cons from last week: had one tackle. We're going to need the leader of the secondary to have a big outing at Jordan-Hare, and it feels like he's due to wreak some havoc.

Yes, yes, we all know he's a Texas kid Baylor transfer. But did you know that he was born in the same town that produced Colonel Sanders? Now you do. That's it, no real football insight here.

Okay, sure, everything here in the stats appears in order so far and---WHAT THE HOLY HELL, 1/8 on FG attempts from 50+? Cot damn, Gus, give the kid a break. Trot out the backup or punt or go for it or something, shit.

Oh gosh, well isn't that swell, another of the SEC's elite pass rushers going up against the worst pass protection unit in the conference. Before you ask, no, 11:05 a.m. is not too early to imbibe in the substance of your choice on this occasion. Wes has covered this in the intro.


MILLERTIME

Good grief, here we are again. Have we all scraped ourselves off the gutters of despair and begun reassembling our lives and expectations, mmm? Look, I don't wanna go off on a rant here but that performance fell flatter than a pre-autotune Miley Cyrus recording being run over by a 16-ton tank in the Death Valley salt flats, babe. Christ, I've seen more enthusiasm out of Ben Stein reading the complete instructions on the inside label peel of a can of wasp spray, OK? If that game were a snow cone flavor, "water" would be too strong of a descriptor.

But enough about all that. C'mon. We're Aggies: we're not hung up on living in the past. {smirks; raises eyebrows} Time for the real litmus test: this is where Coach Fisher earns that Scrooge McDuck vault full of Aggiebucks. This is where we find out if he's the real deal or just another iteration of the Ghosts of Aggie Coaches Past manifested in the form of an animated Appalachian bantamweight. Something tells me this chapter's gonna be a bit different. If there's one cure for inconsistency, it's facing down someone even more inconsistent than you are. Auburn's like if Dr. Jekyll skipped Mr. Hyde and went straight into The Incredible Hulk on acid. And then lost to Tennessee. Show up, put up points, and shut up all the haters, Jimbo. It's that simple, babe. That's just my opinion; I could be wrong.


WHAT TO WATCH FOR

CAREER DAY

Auburn QB Jarrett Stidham is in the middle of what is statistically the worst season of his college career. Fortunately for him, the Aggies have made a career out of making quarterbacks' careers. Look for another round of announcers gushing over the shocking turnaround and gutsy performance that is definitely the result of hard work and extra time studying film.

HOME SWEET HARE

In 2012 Johnny Manziel put up 350 all-purpose yards and 5 TDS in Jordan-Hare Stadium. In 2014 freshman QB Kyle Allen came out of his shell by tossing 4 touchdowns in the first half in Auburn. In 2016 Trevor Knight was able to find nearly 290 yards and a touchdown (aided by 5(!) field goals from LaCamera) in the Tigers' home. Frankly, since joining the SEC the Aggies are far, far more successful playing at Jordan-Hare Stadium than they are playing at Kyle Field. Another win this weekend and you can expect the Tigers and Aggies to arrange a property swap - they'll need to front some cash to make up for all our high-end finishes, though. The chandeliers convey.

FUMBLE SIX

I'll call my shot here, because this has been too dismal so far. The Aggies have struggled to score more than two offensive touchdowns in regulation against an SEC opponent this season. After last Saturday I am not confident the secondary will get us that desperately needed third touchdown. Why not a fumble-six? Yeah, look for one of those, ideally run in by Daylon Mack because he's gigantic and majestic and frighteningly quick and nimble, like an actual bull in a china shop.


ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

Normally I enjoy finding the hidden treasures in the schedule here, but there are two tasty treats this week that cannot be denied. Sit and watch the SEC dine on itself for lack of other worthy fare.

#6 GEORGIA @ #9 KENTUCKY
For the appetizer the chef has prepared a delightful top ten matchup of pickled Kirby Smart offense drizzled with a Kentucky bourbon defense glaze. Starting smooth and surprisingly light, this dish hits the gut hard and lingers painfully.

#1 ALABAMA @ #3 LSU
For the main course please enjoy with our compliments this platter of rare tiger meat, filleted, tenderized, battered, and seared to perfection. Beware the spice in this dish, even the most hardy of constitutions has assumed they defeated the tiger only to have it take revenge later that very night.


HOTREELZ


ROI'd RAGE

Look Jimbo, if we wanted to have a surprisingly good start only to have the bottom fall out mid-season with a loss to Nick Fitzgerald we could have saved about 2.5 mil a year doing it. Hell, all the faux-teak inlay in the Pitcock could have been real with that kinda walking around money. Time's a wastin' this season, and the only thing shorter than an Aggie booster's temper is his memory of the last SEC win.


PLACE YOUR BETS


BEST CASE / BESTER CASE

BEST CASE

Win. Just take care of business and let the last few years of history hold up for one more year at Jordan-Hare. Visiting team wins, get the hell out of there, and get ready to travel to Ole Miss.

BESTER CASE

Nobody takes my advice from the intro this week and I avoid a lawsuit. I do take my advice and discover that the mind has far greater powers than previously thought. I become Professor X and open a school for mutants. Also, Mond throws for three hundy.