Happy Saturday! You are most likely watching college football right now at this moment, which means you’re focused on a couple things: imbibing in your favorite eats and drinks, and getting mad as hell about Targeting.
Nothing’s perfect. But at the same time, nothing’s as infuriating as having a game interrupted—or worse, decided—by inconsistently-enforced, nebulous rules. We take that back, there is something that infuriating: listening to smug TV announcers ramble on like lawyers they saw on a primetime show.
Well, how do we solve it? Perhaps we cannot figure this out alone. We took to Google Translate, our faithful guide when the universe throws such mysteries at us. Read the whole dang rulebook here if you want, but we focused on this particular section:
Targeting and Making Forcible Contact to Head or Neck Area of a Defenseless Player ARTICLE 4. No player shall target and make forcible contact to the head or neck area of a defenseless opponent (See Note 2 below) with the helmet, forearm, hand, fist, elbow or shoulder. This foul requires that there be at least one indicator of targeting (See Note 1 below). When in question, it is a foul (Rules 2-27-14 and 9-6). (A.R. 9-1-4-I-VI) Note 1: “Targeting” means that a player takes aim at an opponent for purposes of attacking with forcible contact that goes beyond making a legal tackle or a legal block or playing the ball. Some indicators of targeting include but are not limited to: • Launch—a player leaving his feet to attack an opponent by an upward and forward thrust of the body to make forcible contact in the head or neck area • A crouch followed by an upward and forward thrust to attack with forcible contact at the head or neck area, even though one or both feet are still on the ground • Leading with helmet, shoulder, forearm, fist, hand or elbow to attack with forcible contact at the head or neck area • Lowering the head before attacking by initiating forcible contact with the crown of the helmet Note 2: Defenseless player (Rule 2-27-14). Examples of defenseless players include but are not limited to: • A player in the act of or just after throwing a pass. • A receiver attempting to catch a forward pass or in position to receive a backward pass, or one who has completed a catch and has not had time to protect himself or has not clearly become a ball carrier. • A kicker in the act of or just after kicking a ball, or during the kick or the return. • A kick returner attempting to catch or recover a kick, or one who has completed a catch or recovery and has not had time to protect himself or has not clearly become a ball carrier.. • A player on the ground. • A player obviously out of the play. • A player who receives a blind-side block. • A ball carrier already in the grasp of an opponent and whose forward progress has been stopped. • A quarterback any time after a change of possession
Still awake? Good. Here are the best and most helpful translations (selections have been trimmed for maximum helpfulness):
English to Finnish to English
Note 2: Failed Player (Rule 2-27-14). Examples of defensive players but not limited to:
• Player in or after passport.
• A receiver that attempts to grab forward or receive backwards, or who has been caught and has not been time to protect yourself or have not clearly become a balloon.
• Propeller ball during or after the propeller or during kick or return.
• A kicker who tries to get or take back a kick or who has catch or recovery and have had no time to protect themselves or has not clearly become a ball.
• Player in the country.
• The player is apparently out of the game.
• A player who receives a blind spot.
• A ballpoint pen as opponent and forward progress has been suspended.
• A game builder at any time after a change of control
Ballpoint pen opponents? International travel? Morphing into balloons? I knew Pac-12 After Dark got crazy, but hell’s bells.
English to Turkish to English
To attack with hard contact that goes beyond doing play a legal block or a legal block or ball. Some targeting indicators including but not limited to:
• Launch - a player who loses his feet to attack an opponent force up and down head or neck region
• A squatting followed by a push up and forward to attack
Difficult contact in the head or neck area, even if one or two feet they are still on the ground
• Attack with helmet, shoulder, forearm, fist, hand or elbow
Diabetic amputations and emphasis on strength coaches? Feels like the SEC is being singled out here.
English to Haitian Creole to English
A kickback attempt attempts to catch or recover a kick, or someone who has complete a catch or recovery and did not have time to protect itself or has not clearly become a ball insurance company.
Sounds like Arkansas special teams, folks,,,,,,,,,
English to Korean to English
• The kicker or kicker immediately after kicking the ball or kicking the ball, or
• a kick return attempting to kick or try to kick, or I have completed catching or recovering, and I had no time to protect myself. Or clearly the carrier was not visible.
• Players on the ground.
• A player who is obviously out of play.
The player who received the blind side block.
• The ball carriers and players already in the opponent’s hands
Progress has been aborted.
• Quarterback at any time after ownership change
But enough about Auburn’s offense.
English to Scottish Gaelic to English
This illness needs to be at least One indicator of target (See Note 1 below). When asked, it is illegal (Regulations 2-27-14 and 9-6). (A.R. 9-1-4-I-VI)
Note 1: “Target” means a player is challenging causes of invasion by invalid communication that goes beyond doing legal assault or legal block or playing a ball. Some of the target indicators but are not limited to:
• Play player leaving his legs to attack the enemy at the Gut on and forth the body to make unnecessary communication the head or the mill
• Crouch to continue and attack tight ties at the end or mill, even though there is one or both legs still on the ground
• Steering a helmet, shoulder, forearm, post, hand or apple to attack with important communication at the head or the mill
• Discontinue the head before attacking you by entering into contact with them the eyelid crown
This Braveheart sequel is going to be incredible.
English to Maori to English
Making and Increasing My Consent to the Chief or Affiliate List of Properties
Article 4. No player is focused on and focuses on the head or the neck of an arrogant enemy (see Note 2 below) with a helmet, hands, hands, hands, neck and shoulder. This activity requires more one point of focus (see Note 1 below). And when it is questioned, it’s a bad thing
Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying About Targeting And Enjoy Texas Football
English to Azerbaijani to English
Appealing and Targeting the President or the Neckpiece of Defenseless Gamers
Welp, that title is enough for me. These folks have all the answers.